The Leopard has left the building

O.K. all you dick heads and pussy lips, before you get on my ass I am just going to say these two things. First, my building was built in the late 1800’s. Second, I pay low rent for the city and with those two things combined I should not complain, but that would not be me. Being that the building I live in is so old there is not heat, there used to be a fire place that worked but I guess there was some issues a while back and we are no longer able to use it. This is the time of the year that it gets cold, so cold that I am watching TV last night and I could see my breath. I am now sleeping in three shirts and a jacket and I constantly look like I have been swimming in cold water. But today after a long day of work it finally dawned on me just how cold it is in here. So I am home and all day I thought about this big bowl of chili I wanted to eat, I leave at my normal time and I get lucky and find parking right in front of my house. I quickly run inside to start my cooking. I grab my can of chili, open it up and I find that it had been frozen! I ended up forcing it out using a spoon and to no surprise, the chili was dry. But enough about my sob stories.

This blog is all about nightmare girls out there and why you get no respect from us. I know what you are saying out there, the one person that does not get this. No I don’t mean ALL girls, but rather this is what we think of girls in general. They are greedy, cunty, selfish and needy. Case in point, Saturday night while out with my buddy John we come across a gem of a female.

We are at a kick ass punk show, I had not been to one since I went to the glass house every weekend so for me it was a nice change of pace. The band that we went to see are neighbors of John. It was good times, a lot of hot chicks with nose rings so I was happy. But we decided to leave because we took the MUNI to the show and did not want to pay for a cab to go back home and were worried about how late it ran. So we leave around midnight to go back to our hood. Basically every time we end up in my part of town we go to one place, Murio’s the best worst place in the city. A place you can see people doing blow off the bar, a crack whore in a skirt free lippin and four people terrified that they are there. One thing is constant there, you have to be able to give shit and take shit, which is why I like it.

We get in there and right away we see a chick sitting at the point. We identified her as the hottest chick in the bar and sat next to her. Well she was the hottest chick until she opened her mouth. My god what a self important bitch she is. the bar tender usually always gives people a lot of shit, that is just his thing. I guess before we got there he was making fun of her, oh no the world is going to end. So how did she react to this? She sat there looking at him complaining that the bar was no good and he was a jerk. She then starts to talk to me.

One of the first things out of her mouth was that she worked for a Bay Area sports station and is the only one in her department, because of that she is high priority. Really, wow I guess everyone in the world needs to lick your pussy. So she was mad that nobody there knew this about her. Well the reason that we do not know this about you is number one we don’t give a fuck who you are or what you do. And well that’s pretty much why, we don’t care. Are you on TV? No, you’re not and even if your were oh please let me work out my middle and index fingers and practice my clit massaging technique.

Then to try and make this broad happy the door man sits next to her and tries to talk to her. She is telling him how this was the worst place in the city, which she is dead wrong. Well, I guess it could be if you have no sense of humor and are self important which you clearly are. She starts in about how this other bar is so much better. I just look at her because the door man is getting nowhere with her and I just ask her, if she likes the other bar so much more why is she not there? I mean really this chick had been sitting there for over an hour before I got there with a warm beer just hard staring trying to get people on her side. Then she starts to go on about her fiancé, who for some odd reason was not there that night. I was getting really pissed off and I had to go outside for a smoke.

As I am out there the bar tender Nick comes out and we both look at each other and he was going to throw her out. I ask him to give me five more minutes so I can fuck with her a little bit. A request he was more then willing to accommodate for me. we finish our cigs and back in we go. By now she has moved next to John and she is talking her ear off. Then the conversation goes on about baseball. She knows nothing and pretends she does. Now I am being a little bit mean by just saying it is girls that do this, there are plenty of guys that pretend to know more than what they know about anything. Really we know people like that, I probably strike people as a know it all. But each and every time we meet a person like that we automatically get very angry. She goes on about how Japanese people do not know anything about baseball and they just wear the hats. Well now you are sounding more ill informed then ever. As a matter of fact they love the sport, they stay up all night to watch their national heros play in the MLB. Their game is different then ours but to say a group of people does not like a sport, really kind of pissed me off. It could be that my Grandpa lives there and tells me how much the Japs love the game, I don’t know what it was but I was pissed.

Nick makes his way over towards us and now I did not feel at all bad to laying into this fucking bitch. She has braces so I start to ask her the obvious questions, if you do in fact have a boy friend, which I seriously doubt because I do know some dudes that are tools but I have never met one that is a tool box which is what you clearly need. But I asked her if she ever got public hairs stuck in her braces. Her face turning red because everyone is now laughing at her. She looks at me and asks me if I ever get pubs stuck in my braces. Ok bitch my teeth are not straight but I don’t were braces, and yes sometimes because I like a chick that leaves some grass on the field I get some in my mouth.

Then I ask her were her boyfriend is. Oh well he is at a hockey game that I got him tickets for. I look at the time, 1:30. You fucking tell me what hockey game ends that late, exactly none ever except maybe a playoff game on east coast time. So I start to question her a little bit more. I don’t think she has a boyfriend and just through seeing and hearing her this dude if he really is out there must be the biggest tool box on the face of the planet. I then asked her if the reason she was such a bitch and at bars by herself was because her boyfriend could not take care of his business. I mean by know half the bar is just listening to this. They are all loving how awkward I am making her feel. After we made her feel like a clown the bar tender comes over grabs her warm beer and throws three dollar bills right in face and tells her to leave.

Now I tell you all this because for the most part guys think that all girls are just like that. They all wear leopard skin printed jackets like this chick did. Ladies if you wear leopard skin anything guys think like this; easy, scank, can fuck tonight, STD possible, if I bang she will stalk me, psycho whore, abort mission now and go for the cubby chick in the corner. But really think about it ladies, for the most part you come off to selfish, do you really think guys want to devote all of their time and energy to you? No not really, we usually have hobbies and friends outside of you. Please give us time to do those things. Trust me if you do, the time that we do spend with you will be even better. Who knows we might even go down on you even if we are tired.

A wedding, a funeral and a dumb ass part 2

One thing that I really came to realize during Josh’s wedding is that we are world class complainers. We complain about anything and everything. We get to the church early for our picture session. We complain that it is to hot and that we have to be dressed up for the pictures. It didn’t help that LA was on fire that weekend and made it even worse. We have this chick taking pictures and instructing us to do the dumbest shit you could think of. Things like ok guys look surprised that Josh is getting married. Now guys act disappointed that he is getting married. Now guys line up next to the fish and make a funny face. Ok now guys let’s take a picture behind this tree, Josh you will stand in front and the groomsmen will stand behind the tree, but groomsman don’t get covered up by the tree.

So this photo session seemed to go on for five days. We did complain the entire time. So then the bridal party comes out, now this would have been fine but it was not just the bridal party and parents. No I guess the way her family rolls is all together at all times. If I had a number counter I would bet that about 90% of the people that she invited were there for the picture sessions. Is what this did was create confusion and made this shit go on even longer. Now I know I will probably be hated for saying this but who fucking cares. To her family, cousins and shit like that, grow the fuck up please, all they seem to do well is act like fools. So the rest of the time that the people that they paid to take pictures were trying to finish this all up, they get out their personal cameras and take their own wedding photos. Seriously come on. the best part of this was that Josh, Mike, Marky, Derek and myself were basically just sitting off in the corner watching this with nothing to do.

After the pictures were done we start to assemble inside for show time. Now I can be a little bit crazy in the head and it usually circulates around not being in control of a situation and having to take a shit. It is one of my worst fears in life, to take a shit on a plane or train. Now my absolute worst fear would be needing to take a shit or piss while I am standing next to Josh. So to combat this I did something that day that I probably will never do again. I did not eat at all and had very little to drink. I figured that if I did not eat then there would be no possible way I would have to take a shit. Little did I know the power of my own mind?

To recap what went on that day up until 5:30 when we finally started walking down the aisle, I had a funeral to go to in the morning, had to go back to my mom’s house and get dressed, drive to downtown LA and be there more than two hours before the wedding started at which time we took our wedding pictures. A lot of driving and thinking that day. After the pictures are done we go inside to start lining up but we end up waiting. Waiting might be the worst thing for a person with my condition. I remember I sat on the toilet for 15 minutes just in case I had to go, I knew I did not have to but just in case. Then I started to think that since I tried to take a shit I would probably have to take one during the ceremony. We are all sitting there at the back of the church, everyone was talking to each other, not me I thought about only one thing, what if I have to take a shit. I mean seriously what the fuck is wrong with me, I go through the pain of not eating all day long only to convince myself that I will have to take a shit during the ceremony embarrassing everyone involved.

T minus 10 minutes before the wedding is going to start and I am a sweating mess in the back not talking to anyone. I remember just talking to myself saying that I did not have to shit. Then I can’t take it and I run what seemed to be a half a mile to the nearest bathroom to again try and take a shit. Everyone was nervous that I was not going to make it, so for moral support my brother comes with me. His idea of moral support was to call me a fucking pussy and to hurry up because I am going to fuck up the whole thing. He was right, so even thought I did not take a shit I still wiped my ass and washed my hands, and then we made a mad dash for the wedding party. Now I can’t go anywhere, it is show time. So I talk to myself some more in the back pumping myself up.

For an anticlimactic ending to this story, as soon as I started down the aisle all of the shit thoughts were gone. I was there for my friend. I must say, one of the coolest things I have ever seen in my life happened that day. Very simply when Delia came down the aisle to meet Josh, in some odd way it was one of the proudest moments in my life. It was just so awesome to see this finally happening and I was a part of it.

No more sap the rest of the way. Now that the ceremony was all done I sign off on the witness papers for them and make a mad dash to the waiting areas to eat and drink something. I was in there for about 30 seconds when they tell me there are more pictures. Now I am looking outside and it is pitch black. Now I was getting really pissed, I really needed to eat something. So I go outside and I am in a bad mood, Delia is in a bad mood because she just wants all of this stuff to be over like the rest of us. The problem was that we were all burned out from the whole day. I take the guys to the side I tell them let’s just do this, these pictures are not for us they are for Josh, let’s just suck it up for five more minutes. My inspirational words worked and we able to get the final pictures done. Now I make a mad dash back to finally eat something.

By the time I am back in the reception room a Mariachi bands shows up and they start to play. So with all this yelpy shit music in the background I try to find something to eat. nothing, my anger level is rising rapidly. I ask where the food is, they have people bringing the food around the room. When I finally find some food I get a tap on my shoulder from Delia’s dad. Now this guy speaks almost no English at all but we were able to communicate. He basically instructed me to bring five shots of tequila back to him. So I go with my brother and Donovan to the bar and we get our shots. I am assuming one for me, him, uncle Nacho and their two friends. We get back with the shots the two friends are gone and I drink with him and uncle Nacho, my brother still holding two shots Delia’s dad tell me I have to drink them, so I do. Being that tequila was the first thing to hit my stomach all day it started to burn and I rapidly forgot where I was.

Like a perfect storm they open up the doors where we will be eating and all that good stuff. My words are slurry and I am really pissed because I was unable to find food to eat. My brother and I sit down at our table with our mom and a few people we did not know. Then it started to hit me that I would have to give a speech and I had not really thought about it other then I had a few topics I wanted to cover and I wanted to make it short. I remember my mom told me something about me not giving the speech or something like that, I can’t really remember I just remember getting really mad at my mom and pissing her off. A situation I regret and have apologized for. Then again I was told to leave the room because they have to announce the bridal party. Ok I am going to say this now and I should have said it before. Mother fucker, this was not josh or Delia’s fault, whoever was in charge of making sure that we know what was going really sucked. Plans constantly changed, I remembered asking if we were done with pictures, yes we were, then we have to go outside. Just a bunch unorganized wedding planers that probably should not be hired again, just my opinion.

We make our way outside so they can announce everyone. I remember asking josh because I was really unaware of what was going on at that point, the tequila had made its way through my system to its fullest, when I was going to have to give the speech and what was going on with that. He told me not to worry that they would let me know what was going on before I had to do it. Which I thought was good because then I could collect my thoughts for the three minutes that I needed my head to be clear. So as they announce the people you could really tell who was with who. All of Delia’s family members were doing fucking back flippers into supermen and break dancing to their chairs. Where as we just walked in looking at our seats. I remember when they called my name I gave a half assed wave and looked at the ground. Then I sit down and then I get up again because I hear that I am supposed to give a speech now. What the fuck!

I am totally taken off guard by this, something I had. See I am a planner, I plan shit five months in advance if I could, shit that just comes up really fucks me up. On my way up there I try to quickly figure out what I am going to say but I was nothing but drunk at that point. I do remember not really being able to feel my legs thinking that was some good tequila to fuck me up that bad. So there I am with Delia’s sister standing in the middle of the dance floor with a mic in my hand. No prepping, I did not know if I was supposed to lead people in a toast or what. I really had no ideas what I was supposed to do. I remembered looking at Sandra telling her to go first because I thought I was supposed to go last. Now I had been stressing over this speech for a few months I tried to write something down but everything I wrote sounded very gay which is why I decided to just think of topics I wanted to talk about and adlib the rest. Well that would have worked if I knew where I was. So I talk for about 45 seconds about how Josh is my best friend and I think of him as a brother and how cool it was to be a part of the whole thing. The end, I mean I really don’t remember what the fuck I said. I do remember feeling like I let Josh down and I was not buying their sympathy thanks for doing a good job on it. Sandra’s went on for about ten minutes.

After that I have food finally waiting for me, my mom was so pissed that she ate and took off. Then the music starts. Now I was really looking forward to dancing, in fact I spent about three weeks coming up with a play list at the DJ’s request. Let me just say that there was three tables with whit people in this place, the other 30 table were Mexican. I don’t have a problem with that at all. I do have a problem with the DJ playing nothing but Salsa Techno the whole time. Dude seriously we sat there for about two before ‘Play the funky music white boy’ was played. And let me tell you this, no matter how racist it was we really wanted to dance badly. So finally there is a song that we know and we start dancing because our music block would only last about 20 minutes. Totally lame, I suggested that they not pay the DJ, to basically ignore the grooms request and the fact that there are a lot of people there that did not have a fucking clue who Mana was are in my mind grounds for not paying. Would it have killed him to play some Depeche Mode? I mean I have been to their concerts nothing but brown people there, fucker.

For me it is easy to complain because I can. But for Josh and Delia who are probably fornicating right now in Argentina, they put a lot of work into the whole thing. It was a really cool night and I am very glad to have been a part of the whole thing. I just know that seeing what they went through to get all this done and the money that they spent, it was enough for a selfish Jew like me to decide to never ever get married. Aside from all of that I had a pretty relaxing four day weekend got to see my brother, nephew, mom, sister in law and other family members. But then I started to realize that I had to go back to work.

This starts the third part of my blog title. I love that I can take some time off of work knowing that when I get back something or someone fucked up so bad that I would have to spend a week fixing it. This time turned out to be no different but it was far worse then anything I had ever come across before.

Knowing what I know I feared going into work when I got back last week. I just didn’t know what I would find. I get into work and it all looks good, I was really happy my guys in the Branch got the job done. So I figured that it was all good, then the emails started to happen.

An email chain was started by everyone’s favorite sales rep Pat Packer, and yes that is his name and he can go fuck himself. This fucking shit face put in a new system for a new customer late October, when this was going on it had been a total of four weeks since we gained their business. So this guy is crying up the ladder to get some technical help at this shop. This started conversations between him and myself, I simply asked what was going on at the shop and if he could be more clear on what and why he needs the help. He just told me that the email explained itself, well mother fucker if I am asking you what the fuck you meant you did a poor job of writing it. I am sorry to tell you, you are not as smart as you think. So he is on the phone bitching like a chick that just lost her virginity to a dude that came inside of her knocked her up and never called her back. He told me that he could tech the shop himself but since it was not in his job description he would not do it.

Ok first, don’t start with me on job descriptions, since I basically have to do all three major jobs that we employee at a professional level. So don’t bring that weak shit here bro. Secondly, yeah there are things about the job that we don’t want to do suck it up and be a fucking man. The conversation ended with him again saying that he wanted a tech there and he would not do anything to support the customer. Then I get the email response from my boss, basically calling this guy out in front of everybody. I laughed and I laughed at it. in fact my boss called me up and asked if was being to harsh, I told him that if I laugh at something I think it’s really mean and I had tears in my eyes reading his email. He laughed too, he hates Pat Packer resident of Brentwood CA, not the expensive so cal version, the trailer park version in northern CA. But it was decided by my boss to get tech support there if we tried to see what was really going on.

The next day like the sly fox that I am, I give Pat a call asking him what our resolution was going to be on this issue. Now let me go back in time a few months ago. I worked my ass off and I was able to get us a new customer, I negotiated the contract with them and they are a large volume shop. Now for whatever reason I got a call from high up the corporate ladder telling me to put this account in Pat’s name. I did resist doing this because it would hurt my Branch financially and would also hurt my bonus at the end of the year. But sometimes when a person is as high up as this person is you just have to do what they say, so I did it. I come to find out a month later that Pat pulled a $1000 install fee for that shop, also he gets a 10% commission on the account. Doing the math I basically put $1500 a month in this guy’s pocket, who says that if you put the hard work in you reap the rewards? For a second I thought I was living in a Karl Marx utopian world, my bad.

So I start the conversation what are we going to do. And he starts to tell me that there is nothing we can do. They don’t want to see us there without a tech, they don’t want their contract check nothing. He tells me that we are done there. Now I am a little worried by this point in time. What I am thinking is we just installed a new customer one month ago and they want us out. Not only would that be a big blow to our ego it would also hurt us in what we/I have been trying to accomplish since taking this place over. So I start to press him with some questions. First one have you tried to help them before it got to this point, his answer was yes he had been working on this for over a week. My follow up to that was how many days has he been in the shop? This is when he snapped at me and I quote “fuck you don’t interrogate me, I don’t need to justify myself to you. No I have not been in the shop for that week.” Ah ok, now the gloves are off pal, don’t you think pal is the biggest slight you can give someone? Anyways, I tell him not to cuss at me and I was only wanting to know how a situation can get so bad so fast. I told him that he keeps crying over a tech issue when it is not a tech issue, that I was going to be a man and go into the shop and try to figure it out because he was to lazy to. I made sure that he knew I felt that he dropped the ball in that account. His response to me was “you’re right, I dropped the ball and I am not willing to pick it up,” then he hung up the phone on me.

I was so mad I was shaking. Here this guy is four kids and a wife that does not work, and he is bailing out on his job. He is the type of person that will always blame another person for something. He does not have the ability to take accountability for any of his actions. He is basically a useless human being. His family is a wreck, they had to ship one kid to Utah because he was such a major fuck up and he could not afford to feed another person. While another one of his kids just got expelled from another school. I say you can tell a lot by a person by how his family is, and yes I know that there a few bad apples I am not talking about that. I am talking about Pat being a total failure both professionally and personally. His dad who also works for our company won’t talk to him, his family is falling apart. I would like to say I feel sorry for the guy, but honestly I don’t how can I and why should I?

After that conversation I had no choice but to rat his bitch ass out and head out to that shop. Pat was right they did not want to see anybody but a tech, but I insisted and I all but forced myself back into that shop. They did not think I could do anything but I was able to get us started in the right direction again with those guys. I painted I did whatever I had to do. Turns out Pat had not been into the shop in over three weeks, he was also not returning their phone calls. Before I left they told me that they want nothing to do with that guy, I told them it was my pleasure to inform him of that. I get back to the office and write a nice long email and send it to everyone.

Fast forward to Monday, turns out he decided to miss a flight to LA to meet up with his boss, opting to call him to tell him that he was not going to make it. Then he put his two week notice in on Monday. I am sorry to say this but he will not be missed at all, in fact the reason he had to go to LA was so that he could be harshly reprimanded by the company and most likely fired. Also, turns out that he had to send his wife to work and he was crying about it. Dude seriously, what is wrong with needing your wife to work? I thought you guys would do anything for each other, except work? He was upset by this and a few months ago asked for a raise. A raise? Dude you have to bring in new accounts, you get paid salary plus commission plus an install bonus for every account that you bring in. If you would have done your job you would have made a killing. All this coming from a guy that at the meeting introducing himself told everyone that he was going to install a minimum of 20 new accounts before the end of the year. It was like Babe Ruth calling his shot, but he hit his and you are not Babe Ruth.

This is even better news for me because guess who is in line for that job? That’s right, I am. I am the guy that everyone wants to take that position and I will be honest I really want it. I really want to have all the benefits of being a sales rep, bonus plan, company car, free gas, free phone, expense account etc. Honestly I don’t know why this guy was complaining about anything, he had it all right there in the palm of his hand. I did the work for him and he got paid from it. He was probably pissed that I was not able to get him more business. After all that goes down with this guy the real bomb hits right before we are all about to leave for to celebrate Thanksgiving.

We found out that Pat was also working for a direct competitor for the entire month of November. So this guy was pulling two pay checks, selling for another company using our company car and all of our goodies. But being that my company is spineless they do nothing. They leave his phone on and let him use the car. If that does not tell you everything you need to know about this guy and his integrities then nothing will. As of Friday he was supposed to turn in all of his stuff but decided that it was not convenient for him to do so. What a total piece of shit. I hope that one day I see a car on fire and you are outside watching your family burning inside and I am the only one that can help. Do you want to know what I am going to do for you? Nothing.

A wedding, a funeral and a dumbs ass part 1

Well for once I delayed writing this because I have a lot to cover. This will be a long one just to let you know, I might have to break it up into two parts. Bottom line, last weekend I went to a wedding and a funeral, this week I have a few things to cover. With that disclaimer out of the way let’s get right to it shall we?

Last weekend marked a very special event which was the wedding of Josh and Delia. Josh being my best friend, I will not bore you with why or how long we have known each other. Just know that I consider him to be my best friend and during his wedding I had the stress of being his best man. With that stress comes the planning on the bachelor party. This is a story all onto itself.

This started months ago when my brother kept hounding me to have a really sweet party for Josh. I partly believe that was because my brother needed to see something cool, so I said alright. But after talking with Josh we were not sure that we wanted to have some big event as a matter of fact the final word was not given until the Friday before the wedding. We were talking and neither of us like to spend money but at the same time, could we get a cool story out of having a party? Would we sit there in regret for years by not having one? Or would this big one of the biggest disasters known to man? Well we figured that not having one would lead to many regrets so we decided to have one.

The plan was simple, it had been in my mind for a few months on what I wanted to do at the party. First get all of Josh’s friends, drink, roast him and have a cool girl on girl show. In fact the ultimate goal was to have to chicks go ass to ass. So after the final word was given I did some heavy internet research and with the help of my friend Poorman I was able to narrow the search down to a few sites. Caexoticdancers.com was the site of choice for the party, but there were so many girls and so little time. I could tell the first time I went through the site it would be hard for me to pick two girls out, yeah there were a lot to choose from but I really don’t find strippers to be attractive in any way. Also, there was something in my head telling me that the girls I saw on the site would not be the girls that would be showing up for the party.

In decided to make this simple, I had Josh pick three of the girls that he would like to have show up. After all it was his party and it would not be a surprise. So he gives me his list and it was up to me to pick three more girls. Basically you give a list of six girls and you will get in this case two of the six. So after I get the list I read up on the rules and the rates. $300 to have them come for a show, flat rate for the two and depending on how much money you give them will determine how cool of a show you get. So I start building a spread sheet listing who would be attending the party, from that list I determined how much money each person would have to bring in order to keep the costs down for everyone. With this in mind I determined that if we had ten people show up we would each need to pitch in $60. I think $60 bucks to see two chicks fuck each other with a double sided dildo is an alright price. But as with everything there were some problems.

So you would think that Josh has enough friends to fill his place. Now let me just say this, we had committed six people, four more should be no problem. Well it turned out to be a problem. Out of the people that we wanted there you would not believe how many adults in their late 20’s early 30’s could not pay $60. I mean seriously, if you are over the age of 25 and you are not either going to school or trying to work more than 20 hours a week just put an end to yourself, because honestly you have no point. So of these people some are my good friends and they really wanted to go but could not afford it. what do you think there answer to me was? That’s right, they asked if their friends could come because their friends could pay. My answer was simply no. why would you even ask to invite a person to a bachelor party that the groom to be does not know or has never met? It doesn’t make sense to me what people think sometimes. Simple, get a job pay the $60 or don’t go.

So after the dust settled on who was going to go and who was confirmed I determined that we would have enough people to get the two chicks and have a kick ass show. I call the agency and request Mallory, Presley, Holly. Lock up the time and we are all set. Hop on a plane after work on a Thursday ready to head over to Josh’s place and have a good time. By now everyone that is going to attend is very excited.

So I land, rent my car and head right over to meet up with Josh, go to the store and buy the alcohol for the night. I determine that I will not be buying food for everyone and if they want something they can buy it themselves. We move his couches around so that we can all surround the strippers as they are doing their work. The people start to pile in and I collect the money as they walk into the door. I ended up paying for one of our friends Donovan because we just could not have this party without him. I put in money for another friend Justin because he was going to pay me with a check, he shows up and has money so I figure cool we are $60 over but I am $120 shorter. No problem I am the best man and I figured to spend a little bit more.

Around 10:30 everyone is there, which was a huge surprise to me, usually you will get those fuck heads that show up late even though you tell them not too. During this process I along with josh’s room mate Steve our doing our best to get him as drunk as possible. Josh never drinks but tonight was going to be different. So he is nice and drunk all the people are there and it is time to roast Josh. It was not too harsh, in the middle of it the strippers decided to show exactly on time. It was great because all of us were caught off guard by their punctuality, this started a wonderful night.

They give me a call because they cannot find parking and I tell them I would meet them outside. I must say I was a little nervous, hoping that they would look ok and a little bit like their pictures. So I see them pull up and from a distance I tell myself, not bad I think all the guys will like this. We get inside and the room goes silent, it was like none of the guys that were in there had ever seen a girl before. No one more excited then my friend Derek, this guy was like a caged animal. Even better when he is a diabetic and drinks a lot, let me just say a few months ago I talked some shit about Derek, I am taking it all back. Derek is the man. In fact all of the Castaneda brothers are the fucking shit. We set up the stripper base camp in Steve’s room, I didn’t want to have them in Josh’s room because I had my shit in there and did not want them to steal anything. It was suggested to me that I demand that they clap while they were out of site, I didn’t really have to worry about that since there was someone following them wherever they went. They call for me and I head up to the stripper base camp ready to negotiate.

Now I am in the room with these two chicks and they are going over the rules and shit with me, they also asked me what I wanted to have happen. I tell them that we are not really interested in getting lap dances for the guys. We would rather see a really out there show. Mind you I have all the money and I have been trusted to negotiate with them to get something that we all want to see, so I had a lot of pressure on me to get this done. First thing they tell me was it would be $300, so I get the money out and lay it on the bed. After I told them that we did not want to have private dances and if a guy wanted one it was up to him to pay for one, they look a little disappointed. Disappointed like they were hoping that all they would be doing were dances. Fuck that shit if I was to see a dance I will buy watered down coke and pay a cover charge. Then they started to tell me what they would do for the right amount of money. I tell them simply, we want to see you two fucking with a double sided dildo and go down on each other. I want you to give Josh some really good dances and make it a night none of us will forget. They tell me it would be an extra $300. knowing how much money I had I said alright, it made sense and we were planning on paying that amount of money for the night. Then they start throwing in extras.

The $300 that we agreed to now no longer included a double sided dildo, this no longer included having one of the guys use a massive dildo on either of them. This was starting to piss me off. Under a normal circumstance I would have just said no, but what am I going to do, I am in charge of this party and I need to do whatever I could to make it awesome. The strippers had me, I could do nothing. Either I be a Jew and the whole show sucks or I overspend and get something cool. I decide to overspend and lock them into girl on girl fucking in front of our eyes. Just as I thought the pain was over, they hit me up for one dollar bills. Wait a minute, I just paid you $700, none of this bullshit, my guys are not going to throw down one dollar bills at you cheap whores. Oh yes we will if you want them to perform. I swear to fucking god, this was the biggest negotiation ass fuck of all time, I could do nothing. I hated the feeling of not having any power of the situation. So I go into my cash stash and pull out $100 more and they change me out to ones.

I go down the stairs and start to distribute the cash and go over the rules with the guys. Guys here are your ones, you will have to throw a few out when they are doing there thing. If you want a dance you will have to buy one for yourself, the money that you pitched in was for the show. Amazing how a few of the people did not understand that as I was telling about the party. We get out blanket and spread it on the floor, the last thing we needed was stale pussy dust saturating the floor.

Down come the strippers complete with a bad mix of rap songs that we had to play. They sit Josh down and they start doing their thing. However, every five minutes they ask us to throw in another $20. I am getting pissed, I told these hoes what the deal was, but they knew that there would be a guy that threw in extra money and they were right. Then they ask again and again and again. By the third time all the guys are looking at me to throw money in while Josh is telling us they are ripping us off. I throw more money in. Josh by now is in his boxers, which they ripped and his ass was hanging out all night long. Awesome site to see. After the dance for the groom they go up the stairs to change.

About 45 minutes pass by and they are still up stairs, by now they guys are getting really pissed off as am I. Listen you fucking blood suckers, we paid you to dance not to make fun of us in another room. So I am aggravated like you would not believe, I had to go up stairs and ask them to hurry up. These two could not have been more pissed off and really did not want to be there. It was like that night they both had a realization that neither of them could tell their parents what they do for a living. Shaking their flat asses and foul pussies in front of guys, some of whom actually paid to see this.

So they get on the floor and start in on the 69 position, this is when the real fun started. And my main Derek was the one that started us of. As they are doing each other he starts to grab their tits, then basically everyone started to grab their tits. The best for me was seeing Donovan grab their tits. I feel so bad for this guy, he has had sex one time in life and it just so happened that I was there and busted in with a camera and started taking pictures. That was good night. So here he is he gets a taste of what a tit is again and he can’t get enough. All of his cares went away. Meanwhile Derek is playing with another set of tits belonging to one of the hoes, this hoe had tattoos surrounding her nipples. Derek was in love, if only for just 30 minutes, he was in love. Then you start having guys get two inches from the girls as they are licking each other, confirming to all that they are in fact giving head.

They pull away and start lighting candles and fuck themselves with them. Then comes the two sided beast. Legs akimbo they start to fuck hard, moving all over into the different positions that they could. I don’t know how they got this to happen but they are doing it doggy, very nice. It even got to the point that as they are doing it, the tit play comes in, guys grabbing ass, Derek at one point in time touched pussy which they did not like. One guy even had his hand on the exposed part of the dildo as they were fucking, making sure to tell everyone that he was not couching the vag. Yes we can see that. They stop and break out what I call the monster, it was about 12 inches in length and four inches in girth and had a clit stimulator. One lucky guy was able to use that in them, I will not mention any names. This same guy was lucky enough to put a candle in his mouth and use it to fuck both of them.

After the show they go up stairs and there is a line for private dances. Some of them lasted five minutes some lasted 30. One wonders what really happened during the longer sessions. You’re right they probably gave some head at a baring price.

After they left the party really died down. It was basically just the basic people, some people had to go to work the next day. Others were just there for the show. The rest of us drank and talked about the evening some more. By the end of the night Josh and Derek were basically holding hands on his couch. Bottom line Derek is the single greatest person I have ever come across. First he has a great catch phrase “more money then you’ll ever make.” Second, as he puts it he IS the most laid back person he knows. Thumbs up for Derek.

The nest day we wake up after about three hours of sleep and none of us could figure out why. My brother and I are looking at each other getting pissed off when Derek walks down the stairs. Now I have not been able to describe the shape Derek was in just a few hours before hand. He was the Michael Jordan of drunk that night, he had his fucking fingers inside a stripper’s asshole and did not even realize it. We gave him water laced with vodka and he downed that shit there would be no tomorrow. He was some how able to drink for four people that night and this mother fuckers walks right down the stairs without a care in the world, like he had not even touched a drop of anything. My brother and I are just looking at him and we both thought the same thing, this guy is super human and at that moment I wished I was him. This all changed very soon after he came down stairs.

About 15 minutes after he comes down Josh follows. He is pissed because he drank a lot for probably the third time in his life. We were just bullshitting watching some TV and ever so slowly Derek’s body remembered that he was drunk. I have never seen a guy get drunk before my eyes without drinking anything but water. It was truly amazing, heavenly in fact. Derek, was drunk dialing people at 8 in the morning, it was awesome. He called his mom expressing how drunk he was, lucky for us it was on speaker phone so we could hear just how disappointed she was in him. Derek’s mom, Derek is the bomb. At about 10 we take off, I drop Derek off and my brother and I thought we would not see him again for five days. Not the case.

One piece of business that we had to take care on the Friday was picking up our tuxedos. I meet up with Josh and I have my brother with me, get fitted. The first question we ask Josh was if Derek was able to function. At this point I should not be surprised by his answer, Derek had picked up his tux and was busy running his own errands. It was like nothing had happened. After that we go to the church for the rehearsal, my stress had begun.

So we get there and I don’t if this sounds like shit to you but basically nobody showed up for this. The Castaneda’s and Casalettas are in full effect in fact we were early. The bride brought one brother and sister with her, Josh arrived on his own. We were missing about half the people. I mean really, if you were invited and asked to be a part of a wedding for a friend or family member why would you not take it seriously? That means getting the fucking rehearsal on fucking time. So we are just sitting in the church looking at each other and the wedding planner who was giving us our instructions was basically like, fuck them we don’t have time for this shit so she starts. She lines us all up and we pretend to walk down the isle with the person we are matched up with. The maid of honor was there so I had no problem, it was funny for me to see everyone else but two walk down with nobody. I found it to be funny. Slowly others started to file in and eventually they were almost all there. Derek was the most concerned about his partner, he just had a feeling that she would be the ugliest one, he was right. She was also married and had a kid, snake eyes.

The wedding planner is spouting out instruction to everyone but she was doing it like we all went to that church. I left there so nervous and confused, I was almost better off not showing up because this fucked with my head until the wedding. More on that and a stupid choice I made.

After this was all over josh’s mom decides to have a get to know you dinner with her family and hers. First, she does not know how to give directions and we are all getting lost and getting pissed. Second, get to know you dinners should probably have assigned seats because I basically got to know my brother, Marky and Derek. We had the hardest time keeping quiet about the night before, Delia’s nosey sister kept trying to get us to admit what we did. As far as she knows we just drank a lot, she knew that there was something else going on but she could not figure it out. She is so sneaky that she would listen to us without listening to us and give reports to the family members she was sitting next to. Oh yeah did I mention that she was able to do this because they all speak Spanish and none of us do. Total crap, anyways no big deal we were able to keep out mouths shut for the most part.

Saturday arrives and I wake up early. I attended the funeral for Rajka B, Mike B’s mom. She had been fighting cancer for a few years and was one of the coolest ladies I have ever met in my life. She was one of the nicest people you could ever come across. Mike, was not upset aside from losing his mom he knew that she had lived a great life and was in pain for the last few months in a big way. In a sad way he was happy that the pain had ended for her. The funeral was very nice, a huge turn out a lot of friends showed up which I was pleasantly surprised to see, everything went well. I wished I could have stayed longer but I had to get ready for the wedding.

Part two coming this weekend.

Why is every body making fun of me?

Well we are now in a state of consent midnight and I for one love it. I am sure the only things that high expectations will bring us is massive failure and disappointment.


One thing I would like to get off of my chest. I will admit that I let a person’s comments get to me a little bit. I will not say that name as this person is a reader or perhaps my stories have pissed this person off to the point that they will no longer read. What could these comments have been? One thing that really gets under my skin is when somebody calls me a jock. Possibly because I associate that word with guys that are cheesy, singular and all around lame. Three things that I am not. So this person is very upset with my blogs and how I talk about and treat people, females to be exact. Here is what I have to say to this.


While you may think I am being jocular with my comments, commentary, stories or philosophies I am not. Instead I am merely stating my feeling and opinions. It is not my fault that I am so good at this people love to hear my stories and thoughts on various subjects. See, I have this gift, a gift of story telling. So if you find some personal offense to what I have written I do not apologize for your poor self esteem. If I have not named you by name then forget about it. If you think that I mistreat people, I do. If you think that I objectify women, you’re right I can’t see past their vaginas. If you think I think people are generally stupid, don’t you? If you think that I am a selfish prick, guilty as charged. Why do you think people read this?


Please do not blame me because you were made fun of a good portion of your life. That is not my fault. All I am trying to do is show you how perfect I really am and give you my version of the truth. If you like it, great keep reading. If you don’t, take my blog off of your bookmarks under favorites and stop reading.


Other then that I have had a pretty quiet week. I have not been woken up from a nice nap by a desperate chick calling my name out of my window. You know the second you pulled out and flipped out I forgot you were alive. Have fun coming home to a studio apartment with trash on the floors eating cookie dough because I know you can stand to add on type two diabetes to your growing list of physical problems.


Aside from the big national election there were a lot of state issues that were on the ballot. Armed with my voter sheet that I made after extensive research I went to vote after work. Thinking there was going to be a huge line I bring some chips and soda with me, walked the two blocks to my polling place and walked right in. Some fucking hype with this long line shit, try no fucking line. But here is the best part of my voting experience, my place had tables set up so you could see everyone in the room. I guess we don’t believe in a secret ballot up here. I must say it was beyond awesome to see people go right for President then feel that they had to vote on everything else. The problem was they had no fucking idea what any other issues were so they would read the caption and look worried. The look of worry gave way to the look of “fuck it” and they ended up just putting anything on there. Now did I vote on every issue? No I did not, I felt there were a few on the ballot that I really didn’t feel effected me so I left that up to people that truly cared one way or another. There was one ballot issue that was a hot button here in California.


That’s right, can the gays get “married?” A little background on this, back in 200 we voted that they could not, then the California Supreme Court ruled that they could. So for all those Howard Stern listeners out there, because of our great state George Takei was able to put a ring around Brad’s big balls. Not to long after the religious right saw that gays were getting married they flipped the fuck out and were able to get Prop 8 on the ballot. This was written to over turn the CSC and put that marriage is only between a man and a woman. So a vote yes would mean Brad and George go back to humping once a week, with George keeping all of his money. A vote No would say, no I want gay people to be miserable like the rest of the married people out there.


My vote on this was no. I mean really who gives a fuck? Some chicks like their vaginas so much that’s all they want to fuck. While some dudes like getting split open by a guy. No big fucking deal. So this Prop looked like it was going to go down until the out of state Mormons pumped millions and millions of dollars to scare families into thinking that their kids would be taught in school gay marriage. As of right now I don’t think they have called it, but when I last checked that fucker was going down and the entire city of San Francisco is about to riot.


I ask the out of state Mormons this. You have your own state and you are rapidly taking over others. Please, you people need to know that you are fucking psychotic. These are the same people that will make fun of a Mexican family for having five kids that can’t afford and they will turn around and have 8. I find it even stranger that all Mormon kids look the same, all blonde, pale and lifeless just like you. So when you die after being a good person by judging others have fun on your own planet. Oh wait that’s right when you die you have two options cremation or put in the ground. Hopefully you choose to be put in the ground so the only eternity you have is rotting. Please, don’t bring your out of state issues into mine because the next time you do I will drive to Utah and introduce to your young high school and college youths the amazing powers of crack. Then I will get to have the last laugh seeing them become homeless bums in San Francisco. Your boys will have no choice but to suck a dick just for a happy meal and your girls will find themselves taking orders from a pimp on a bike.


I will offer this to all of my readers. An idea from super fan Kelly Mac, if there is a topic you would like me to cover one week just fill out a comment and let me know what it is. Kelly has already given me one, so look for that next blog. Then, after years of waiting I get to be the best man at a Mexican wedding, si mon.

Stalked

You will be glad that I waited to write this. Just so you know I started to write this on Sunday then I had a girl come over so I stopped for obvious reasons. Basically I met this chick from a trusted online dating service, met up with her last week. Strap yourself in for this one.

First off I was very luke warm with this chick to begin with. I figured what the hell, the worst thing that can happen is I don’t like her. So we meet up at my favorite bar. As soon as I walk in I see her, she was pretty hard to miss and it wasn’t because she was wearing lime green. As a matter of fact I would have totally missed her on purpose if she had not been obsessively watching the door awaiting my arrival. As I am sitting there we start to talk, it is going ok. I felt that the real reason I was not into her was because I just didn’t like the conversation. A few hours pass and we decide to go back to my place.

I don’t know why I did but I started to make out with her. This goes on for a hour or so. I explain to her why girls should give it up on the first date. She agreed with me but at the same time did not act upon her agreement with me. Seriously, you girls really need to look at how you conduct yourselves. This chick totally wanted to have sex with me, but for some reason didn’t? It does not make any sense to me at all. Before she left I shared my need for alone time six days a week. So before we go to far she leaves. I am not worried.

Days go by and I find myself not caring at all, but for some reason on Sunday I decide to return a text message from her. One thing led to another and I find her at my place while I watch True Blood and Entourage. It would have been awesome if I could have watched these shows without her laying on my chest suffocating me. I also love when people open their fucking mouths while I am watching something. Listen, watch and shut the fuck up. Three fucking things, is that too hard to do? I didn’t think so.

As my chest is be smashed in she starts to make out with me. we end up on my bed. The whole time I am thinking that I should not do anything because I am just not into her at all. She is all over me, ripping off her clothes getting down to her underwear pulling me in, asking me if I have condoms. I finally decide to give in and give this dog a bone. Just as I do she does a 180 and tells me she can’t and is out of my door within 30 seconds. Good, nothing happened so nothing for me to feel guilty about.

Monday, text message saying she was sorry and she didn’t know what came over her. Work busy, stress high urge to kill co workers on the rise. I get home, play my video games and spend the night relaxing.

Tuesday, I decide to leave work a little on time. On my way home I am getting text messages from her telling me she is at the bar. Using my lingo when describing who is there. Fuck that shit, don’t fucking talk like me unless you already talk like me when we meet. I don’t find it at all flattering when a chick thinks I am so fucking awesome that she tries to mimic my mannerisms. Be your fucking self please, all you do is confirm in my mind that you are a weak minded fool. I do not respond to her messages. In fact I laugh on my way home and start to think about my nap.

I get home and I go right into my bed, I mean I was totally beat. Work was crazy I am getting pulled into all these different directions all of the time. I end up being put into the middle of all these different shit situations. The reason is because people like me enough to try to help a situation, anyways I am done with work talk for now. So I am in bed watching some election coverage thinking, damn none of this really matters, more on that next time. Just as I start to fall asleep I feel my phone start to vibrate, surprise! Another text. This one says that she would call but she thought I might not answer the phone and she is sorry for Sunday. Well yeah, she should be sorry I was about to do her a favor and no I would have answered. So my eyes are closed and I start to fall asleep.

Five minutes after I get her message just before I was about to fall into a deep sleep for the night I hear my name being called. It took me a second to realize it was my name and another second to realize that she was outside my window calling for me. Fucking crazy bitch. You make an ass out of yourself in my room then make an ass of yourself in public. How awesome of you and what a way to make me think you are totally not worth my time, you fucking loser. Maybe Santa Clause will be nice to you and put a life time gym pass into your stocking ;)~

In some brighter news, my mom is coming to visit this weekend. Great. This really fucks up my alone time. I work so fucking hard during the week I don’t want to do anything during my weekend. See I am different then most people that claim they work hard during the week. If you bust your ass during the week would that not make you tired and in need of rest? Exactly, you are just lying to yourself. You probably don’t work hard, you pretending to work hard makes more work for people like me that actually care about what they do. So do us all a favor, walk to the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge and jump. Maybe if I didn’t have to clean up other peoples fuck ups I would be able to enjoy my days off without having to do nothing just rest. Fuck you and the pussy you squeezed out of.

The Proposition

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