One thing that I really came to realize during Josh’s wedding is that we are world class complainers. We complain about anything and everything. We get to the church early for our picture session. We complain that it is to hot and that we have to be dressed up for the pictures. It didn’t help that LA was on fire that weekend and made it even worse. We have this chick taking pictures and instructing us to do the dumbest shit you could think of. Things like ok guys look surprised that Josh is getting married. Now guys act disappointed that he is getting married. Now guys line up next to the fish and make a funny face. Ok now guys let’s take a picture behind this tree, Josh you will stand in front and the groomsmen will stand behind the tree, but groomsman don’t get covered up by the tree.
So this photo session seemed to go on for five days. We did complain the entire time. So then the bridal party comes out, now this would have been fine but it was not just the bridal party and parents. No I guess the way her family rolls is all together at all times. If I had a number counter I would bet that about 90% of the people that she invited were there for the picture sessions. Is what this did was create confusion and made this shit go on even longer. Now I know I will probably be hated for saying this but who fucking cares. To her family, cousins and shit like that, grow the fuck up please, all they seem to do well is act like fools. So the rest of the time that the people that they paid to take pictures were trying to finish this all up, they get out their personal cameras and take their own wedding photos. Seriously come on. the best part of this was that Josh, Mike, Marky, Derek and myself were basically just sitting off in the corner watching this with nothing to do.
After the pictures were done we start to assemble inside for show time. Now I can be a little bit crazy in the head and it usually circulates around not being in control of a situation and having to take a shit. It is one of my worst fears in life, to take a shit on a plane or train. Now my absolute worst fear would be needing to take a shit or piss while I am standing next to Josh. So to combat this I did something that day that I probably will never do again. I did not eat at all and had very little to drink. I figured that if I did not eat then there would be no possible way I would have to take a shit. Little did I know the power of my own mind?
To recap what went on that day up until 5:30 when we finally started walking down the aisle, I had a funeral to go to in the morning, had to go back to my mom’s house and get dressed, drive to downtown LA and be there more than two hours before the wedding started at which time we took our wedding pictures. A lot of driving and thinking that day. After the pictures are done we go inside to start lining up but we end up waiting. Waiting might be the worst thing for a person with my condition. I remember I sat on the toilet for 15 minutes just in case I had to go, I knew I did not have to but just in case. Then I started to think that since I tried to take a shit I would probably have to take one during the ceremony. We are all sitting there at the back of the church, everyone was talking to each other, not me I thought about only one thing, what if I have to take a shit. I mean seriously what the fuck is wrong with me, I go through the pain of not eating all day long only to convince myself that I will have to take a shit during the ceremony embarrassing everyone involved.
T minus 10 minutes before the wedding is going to start and I am a sweating mess in the back not talking to anyone. I remember just talking to myself saying that I did not have to shit. Then I can’t take it and I run what seemed to be a half a mile to the nearest bathroom to again try and take a shit. Everyone was nervous that I was not going to make it, so for moral support my brother comes with me. His idea of moral support was to call me a fucking pussy and to hurry up because I am going to fuck up the whole thing. He was right, so even thought I did not take a shit I still wiped my ass and washed my hands, and then we made a mad dash for the wedding party. Now I can’t go anywhere, it is show time. So I talk to myself some more in the back pumping myself up.
For an anticlimactic ending to this story, as soon as I started down the aisle all of the shit thoughts were gone. I was there for my friend. I must say, one of the coolest things I have ever seen in my life happened that day. Very simply when Delia came down the aisle to meet Josh, in some odd way it was one of the proudest moments in my life. It was just so awesome to see this finally happening and I was a part of it.
No more sap the rest of the way. Now that the ceremony was all done I sign off on the witness papers for them and make a mad dash to the waiting areas to eat and drink something. I was in there for about 30 seconds when they tell me there are more pictures. Now I am looking outside and it is pitch black. Now I was getting really pissed, I really needed to eat something. So I go outside and I am in a bad mood, Delia is in a bad mood because she just wants all of this stuff to be over like the rest of us. The problem was that we were all burned out from the whole day. I take the guys to the side I tell them let’s just do this, these pictures are not for us they are for Josh, let’s just suck it up for five more minutes. My inspirational words worked and we able to get the final pictures done. Now I make a mad dash back to finally eat something.
By the time I am back in the reception room a Mariachi bands shows up and they start to play. So with all this yelpy shit music in the background I try to find something to eat. nothing, my anger level is rising rapidly. I ask where the food is, they have people bringing the food around the room. When I finally find some food I get a tap on my shoulder from Delia’s dad. Now this guy speaks almost no English at all but we were able to communicate. He basically instructed me to bring five shots of tequila back to him. So I go with my brother and Donovan to the bar and we get our shots. I am assuming one for me, him, uncle Nacho and their two friends. We get back with the shots the two friends are gone and I drink with him and uncle Nacho, my brother still holding two shots Delia’s dad tell me I have to drink them, so I do. Being that tequila was the first thing to hit my stomach all day it started to burn and I rapidly forgot where I was.
Like a perfect storm they open up the doors where we will be eating and all that good stuff. My words are slurry and I am really pissed because I was unable to find food to eat. My brother and I sit down at our table with our mom and a few people we did not know. Then it started to hit me that I would have to give a speech and I had not really thought about it other then I had a few topics I wanted to cover and I wanted to make it short. I remember my mom told me something about me not giving the speech or something like that, I can’t really remember I just remember getting really mad at my mom and pissing her off. A situation I regret and have apologized for. Then again I was told to leave the room because they have to announce the bridal party. Ok I am going to say this now and I should have said it before. Mother fucker, this was not josh or Delia’s fault, whoever was in charge of making sure that we know what was going really sucked. Plans constantly changed, I remembered asking if we were done with pictures, yes we were, then we have to go outside. Just a bunch unorganized wedding planers that probably should not be hired again, just my opinion.
We make our way outside so they can announce everyone. I remember asking josh because I was really unaware of what was going on at that point, the tequila had made its way through my system to its fullest, when I was going to have to give the speech and what was going on with that. He told me not to worry that they would let me know what was going on before I had to do it. Which I thought was good because then I could collect my thoughts for the three minutes that I needed my head to be clear. So as they announce the people you could really tell who was with who. All of Delia’s family members were doing fucking back flippers into supermen and break dancing to their chairs. Where as we just walked in looking at our seats. I remember when they called my name I gave a half assed wave and looked at the ground. Then I sit down and then I get up again because I hear that I am supposed to give a speech now. What the fuck!
I am totally taken off guard by this, something I had. See I am a planner, I plan shit five months in advance if I could, shit that just comes up really fucks me up. On my way up there I try to quickly figure out what I am going to say but I was nothing but drunk at that point. I do remember not really being able to feel my legs thinking that was some good tequila to fuck me up that bad. So there I am with Delia’s sister standing in the middle of the dance floor with a mic in my hand. No prepping, I did not know if I was supposed to lead people in a toast or what. I really had no ideas what I was supposed to do. I remembered looking at Sandra telling her to go first because I thought I was supposed to go last. Now I had been stressing over this speech for a few months I tried to write something down but everything I wrote sounded very gay which is why I decided to just think of topics I wanted to talk about and adlib the rest. Well that would have worked if I knew where I was. So I talk for about 45 seconds about how Josh is my best friend and I think of him as a brother and how cool it was to be a part of the whole thing. The end, I mean I really don’t remember what the fuck I said. I do remember feeling like I let Josh down and I was not buying their sympathy thanks for doing a good job on it. Sandra’s went on for about ten minutes.
After that I have food finally waiting for me, my mom was so pissed that she ate and took off. Then the music starts. Now I was really looking forward to dancing, in fact I spent about three weeks coming up with a play list at the DJ’s request. Let me just say that there was three tables with whit people in this place, the other 30 table were Mexican. I don’t have a problem with that at all. I do have a problem with the DJ playing nothing but Salsa Techno the whole time. Dude seriously we sat there for about two before ‘Play the funky music white boy’ was played. And let me tell you this, no matter how racist it was we really wanted to dance badly. So finally there is a song that we know and we start dancing because our music block would only last about 20 minutes. Totally lame, I suggested that they not pay the DJ, to basically ignore the grooms request and the fact that there are a lot of people there that did not have a fucking clue who Mana was are in my mind grounds for not paying. Would it have killed him to play some Depeche Mode? I mean I have been to their concerts nothing but brown people there, fucker.
For me it is easy to complain because I can. But for Josh and Delia who are probably fornicating right now in
This starts the third part of my blog title. I love that I can take some time off of work knowing that when I get back something or someone fucked up so bad that I would have to spend a week fixing it. This time turned out to be no different but it was far worse then anything I had ever come across before.
Knowing what I know I feared going into work when I got back last week. I just didn’t know what I would find. I get into work and it all looks good, I was really happy my guys in the Branch got the job done. So I figured that it was all good, then the emails started to happen.
An email chain was started by everyone’s favorite sales rep Pat Packer, and yes that is his name and he can go fuck himself. This fucking shit face put in a new system for a new customer late October, when this was going on it had been a total of four weeks since we gained their business. So this guy is crying up the ladder to get some technical help at this shop. This started conversations between him and myself, I simply asked what was going on at the shop and if he could be more clear on what and why he needs the help. He just told me that the email explained itself, well mother fucker if I am asking you what the fuck you meant you did a poor job of writing it. I am sorry to tell you, you are not as smart as you think. So he is on the phone bitching like a chick that just lost her virginity to a dude that came inside of her knocked her up and never called her back. He told me that he could tech the shop himself but since it was not in his job description he would not do it.
Ok first, don’t start with me on job descriptions, since I basically have to do all three major jobs that we employee at a professional level. So don’t bring that weak shit here bro. Secondly, yeah there are things about the job that we don’t want to do suck it up and be a fucking man. The conversation ended with him again saying that he wanted a tech there and he would not do anything to support the customer. Then I get the email response from my boss, basically calling this guy out in front of everybody. I laughed and I laughed at it. in fact my boss called me up and asked if was being to harsh, I told him that if I laugh at something I think it’s really mean and I had tears in my eyes reading his email. He laughed too, he hates Pat Packer resident of
The next day like the sly fox that I am, I give Pat a call asking him what our resolution was going to be on this issue. Now let me go back in time a few months ago. I worked my ass off and I was able to get us a new customer, I negotiated the contract with them and they are a large volume shop. Now for whatever reason I got a call from high up the corporate ladder telling me to put this account in Pat’s name. I did resist doing this because it would hurt my Branch financially and would also hurt my bonus at the end of the year. But sometimes when a person is as high up as this person is you just have to do what they say, so I did it. I come to find out a month later that Pat pulled a $1000 install fee for that shop, also he gets a 10% commission on the account. Doing the math I basically put $1500 a month in this guy’s pocket, who says that if you put the hard work in you reap the rewards? For a second I thought I was living in a Karl Marx utopian world, my bad.
So I start the conversation what are we going to do. And he starts to tell me that there is nothing we can do. They don’t want to see us there without a tech, they don’t want their contract check nothing. He tells me that we are done there. Now I am a little worried by this point in time. What I am thinking is we just installed a new customer one month ago and they want us out. Not only would that be a big blow to our ego it would also hurt us in what we/I have been trying to accomplish since taking this place over. So I start to press him with some questions. First one have you tried to help them before it got to this point, his answer was yes he had been working on this for over a week. My follow up to that was how many days has he been in the shop? This is when he snapped at me and I quote “fuck you don’t interrogate me, I don’t need to justify myself to you. No I have not been in the shop for that week.” Ah ok, now the gloves are off pal, don’t you think pal is the biggest slight you can give someone? Anyways, I tell him not to cuss at me and I was only wanting to know how a situation can get so bad so fast. I told him that he keeps crying over a tech issue when it is not a tech issue, that I was going to be a man and go into the shop and try to figure it out because he was to lazy to. I made sure that he knew I felt that he dropped the ball in that account. His response to me was “you’re right, I dropped the ball and I am not willing to pick it up,” then he hung up the phone on me.
I was so mad I was shaking. Here this guy is four kids and a wife that does not work, and he is bailing out on his job. He is the type of person that will always blame another person for something. He does not have the ability to take accountability for any of his actions. He is basically a useless human being. His family is a wreck, they had to ship one kid to
After that conversation I had no choice but to rat his bitch ass out and head out to that shop. Pat was right they did not want to see anybody but a tech, but I insisted and I all but forced myself back into that shop. They did not think I could do anything but I was able to get us started in the right direction again with those guys. I painted I did whatever I had to do. Turns out Pat had not been into the shop in over three weeks, he was also not returning their phone calls. Before I left they told me that they want nothing to do with that guy, I told them it was my pleasure to inform him of that. I get back to the office and write a nice long email and send it to everyone.
Fast forward to Monday, turns out he decided to miss a flight to LA to meet up with his boss, opting to call him to tell him that he was not going to make it. Then he put his two week notice in on Monday. I am sorry to say this but he will not be missed at all, in fact the reason he had to go to LA was so that he could be harshly reprimanded by the company and most likely fired. Also, turns out that he had to send his wife to work and he was crying about it. Dude seriously, what is wrong with needing your wife to work? I thought you guys would do anything for each other, except work? He was upset by this and a few months ago asked for a raise. A raise? Dude you have to bring in new accounts, you get paid salary plus commission plus an install bonus for every account that you bring in. If you would have done your job you would have made a killing. All this coming from a guy that at the meeting introducing himself told everyone that he was going to install a minimum of 20 new accounts before the end of the year. It was like Babe Ruth calling his shot, but he hit his and you are not Babe Ruth.
This is even better news for me because guess who is in line for that job? That’s right, I am. I am the guy that everyone wants to take that position and I will be honest I really want it. I really want to have all the benefits of being a sales rep, bonus plan, company car, free gas, free phone, expense account etc. Honestly I don’t know why this guy was complaining about anything, he had it all right there in the palm of his hand. I did the work for him and he got paid from it. He was probably pissed that I was not able to get him more business. After all that goes down with this guy the real bomb hits right before we are all about to leave for to celebrate Thanksgiving.
We found out that Pat was also working for a direct competitor for the entire month of November. So this guy was pulling two pay checks, selling for another company using our company car and all of our goodies. But being that my company is spineless they do nothing. They leave his phone on and let him use the car. If that does not tell you everything you need to know about this guy and his integrities then nothing will. As of Friday he was supposed to turn in all of his stuff but decided that it was not convenient for him to do so. What a total piece of shit. I hope that one day I see a car on fire and you are outside watching your family burning inside and I am the only one that can help. Do you want to know what I am going to do for you? Nothing.
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