Lames

Oh were to begin this one. Should I start off by a full update of my second date? Perhaps again going over what a total bitch the guy I work with is? Or maybe just maybe I will talk about my time in Tennessee for Thanksgiving? Hum, decisions decisions. I think I will start with what makes me the most upset, my new roommate.

I am not going to go into the details as to why there is now a third person in my equation, just know that there is and the deal I have is that my shit has to stay the same and this person will have to go in a few months. Of course we don’t tell that person this because we want to rent out the other room. I am not sure a lot of you out there have had the pleasure of having to find a new roommate but it is strange. First off, we use craigslist so you never know what you are going to get. Everyone really wants the place so they lie and it is up to us to figure it all out. Is what we do is we give a small description of our place and of us and we see who takes the time to give thoughtful answers and ask a few people to check out the place. Pretty standard operation procedure if you ask me.

So when we look for people you see them for the first time. This was a few months ago so I don’t remember the order in which we saw people, one of the first people was a dude from Oakland. We usually offer people water or something to make them feel at home, but homebody had herpes on his face so that was done. In which case we decided that he would not be a good fit because if he accidentally used the wrong toothbrush we would be fucked. Then after like five people we came across a person that we felt would fit in nicely. And by nicely I mean a person that we can get rid of and not feel bad. A few of you have been to my place and we keep it pretty clean and we are pretty standard about cleaning up after yourself.

Move in day comes and the guy had his friends moving shit for him. No problem there, the problem starts when he has way to much shit and will not get rid of it. He plays this game were he will ask us if we have something and we say yes we do, then will tell us that he has a nice version of it. listen up pal, you ask us if we have something we do, we don’t need your shit so too fucking bad you have it put it in a fucking box. But no, every fucking day I see a bag of kitchen utensils looking right at me when I wake up in the morning. When will he put it away? I don’t know your guess is as good as mine.

Then there was the box of shit he left at the top of the stairs right in front of my closet. Now I am the type of person that I just expect people to pick up on shit and yes I know moving is hard but you have to have a place for everything. So I don’t say anything for the first few days. But every day I come home from work thinking that it will be taken care of and it’s not. Finally I had to do the only thing I could, I came up the stairs when I knew he was home and yelled who’s fucking box is out here and that I am about to throw it away. That night it was put away.

Then came my cups. I have one really bad habit which is I leave cups in my room. I know this about myself so I have had these cheap plastic cups I use for just that reason. They have been in the same spot since the day I moved in. They are easy because they stack up and don’t take a lot of room. Now while my main roommate was gone this dick decides now is the time to rearrange everything to make room for all of his shit. Which meant that for some reason my cups got moved. Now they didn’t get moved an inch or two they got moved into the pantry. Why? I am still trying to figure this out. All I know is that was the final straw. Now for people that know me the easiest way to freak me out is to move my stuff around. This was it. Not only did he move my cups but this fucking guy had so many cups that they could not fit on the cup shelf so he just decided to start spilling them into the plates.

But here is the worst fucking thing about this guy. He fucking talks a lot. He buts into conversations that I am having and just keeps fucking talking. He always starts things off with “what up kids?” which is as annoying as it sounds. My conversations with him go like this, he starts asking me what I am up too, I just look at him and say nothing. He keeps going on and I say nothing then walk away. He will complain that the toilet is running and somebody needs to fix it. As I am standing there I am just looking at him and I could not help myself but to tell him to get off his ass and fucking fix it himself. I seriously wish he was dead.

Now on to another annoying sack of shit, Byron. This guy now has it in his head that he is smarter than I am. Dude a fucking stray dog is smarter than you are, they at least know they are all but dead and walk on train tracks waiting for a train to take them out. His new thing is that he wants to try to get my boss and me fired. Why do you ask? I will tell you why because we both think he is a dumb mother fucker and doesn’t like that we are so much better than he is. He also wants to move up into the sales job that I have so he can make more money. Listen up pal, fuck you. I stay up at night thinking of the dumb ass shit that he tells me every day and how I can get rid of him.

Every day I hear from customers how much they hate him and the only reason they buy from us is because of me. Now if this guy wants me out fine, he needs to grow a ball sack and tell me to my face. I will gladly ask to leave. But he is so smart he doesn’t realize that in my entire company I have put the most new dollars than any other sales rep and he is a stupid fuck dime a dozen retard thinking he has power. So if you were my company would you rather keep a sales rep that put in new business while at the same time clean up his mess to keep current customers or would you rather get rid of that rep and replace a manager that you can find off the streets? But then again he is just that smart. Honestly I am getting the point of annoyance and not being able tolerating him to the point that I am going to ask to either transfer me or him, I just can’t do it and keep myself sane on a day to day basis.

Plus you dumb ass lives in a van. You work for a fortune 300 company and you live in a van, please.

Now what is better then a first date? A second of course. Except this second date I realized just how fucking self absorbed people really are and more important just how dumb they can be. So this bitch calls me up. Now mind you she should be doing whatever I want. I am sexy and she is ugly and she knows this. Basically I am way too good for her. But she is cool and we are into some of the same stuff. So I get a call last Saturday from her telling me she doesn’t want to date. My reaction to this was that’s fine. Which is really is, I was talking with my friend Phil a few weeks ago and there comes a point in your life when you don’t date enough and you don’t have enough relationships that you truly stop caring. I am now at that point. It is not a big deal to me anymore.

So she gets pissed that I am just so apathetic to her telling me this. When really why should I care, I went out with you once, nothing happened we don’t owe each other anything. Then she decides she wants to come over. Again I tell her I don’t care if she does or does not. She comes and we go to Murio’s, that way I can bail out at any time I want. We really start to talk and she realizes just how fucking amazing I am but at the same time I realize just how stupid she is. And by stupid, maybe not totally stupid, immature for sure and close to being certifiable.

She just starts talking on random bullshit all night long and I got to the point that I wanted some entertainment from this situation. She confesses that she is a chronic liar and that she needs people around her to be fucked up so that she can fix problems. Listen bitch and listen good. How the fuck can you fix other people problems when you can’t even see your own? Not only that you can’t even admit that you have any, when clearly you have more issues than four normal people do. So for a few hours she is drinking, I have two beers because I don’t drink a lot. I just let her ramble on and on because she likes the sound of her own voice.

After a while I just get tired of it and ask the door man to sit with us, or more me so I have someone to bullshit with. It was great seeing the crushed look on her face like she was not interesting enough for me. Which sorry you are not. I watch her spend live $60 bucks on herself and she starts to tell me that she doesn’t want a boyfriend. And I just look at her and tell her that’s fine then don’t have one. She also goes on to say that guys are useless and sex is lame.

Hold on a second, sex is lame? No bitch you are fucking lame. She is trying to convince me for a hour that a dildo is just as good as a cock. Alright I will give you this they probably get you off a lot easier then a dick will and you can buy them in different sizes. But why oh why are dildos not enough for basically every girl in the world? That’s right they are not as good. Such a fucking stupid argument and I did call her out on it and told her that she just thinks so little of herself that she thinks she can’t get a guy so she is in the process of convincing herself that a dildo will solve all of her problems. The silence was only awkward for her.

After that she wanted to leave and I watched her almost fall over several times to her car. At which time she told me that she really likes me which I responded sorry you told me that you don’t want to be in a relationship and that dicks are useless. She then tried to kiss me in which I moved my face. I then watched her get in her car and drive drunk.

This brings me to my point I guess. In fact this time I don’t have a point I am just writing tonight. But overall people are fucking really stupid and useless. Everyone wants everything. People now have this sense of entitlement that I just don’t understand. You have a roommate that thinks other people don’t live with him. You have a the person you work with that is just so painfully stupid and useless, yet they think they can do a better job than a person that is killing it. You have girls that have no fucking idea what they want so they build o a life which is a total lie. What the fuck is going on?

I am sick and tired of putting lames on blast and that is all I seem to be doing. No longer do I talk about me going out. No now all I seem to do is talk about people that annoy me to the point they dominate my thought process. I am not talking about fun stuff anymore, this ends. I can’t fucking do this anymore. Next one I write I will talk about my trip to Tennessee because you know I have some great things to say about that and my thoughts might actually entertain this time around.

Fight On

I write this one with a bruised ass check, I am working through the pain in order to bring you entertainment for the week. You might be asking yourself why my ass is bruised and you know I will break it down for you. Saturday night fresh off a hot date, first one in months for me. the date went well, girl is cool, looking to get a second more details to come in the future. After the date was over things went down hill from there. Since she came to my part of town we stayed local and when she left I noticed I was right across the street from Murio’s and decided I will go in for a drink and to bullshit with the door man and bar keep.

It is always good when I walk into that place, I have been going there for so long now that I am just known and I know the mainstays. After a long day of work or whatever I find it fun to go to a place that I feel comfortable. This Saturday was really slow and something odd was in the air. I noticed two people that have been going out for a while that work at the pizza place down the street in the middle of a heated argument and was a little bummed out by that. I didn’t get involved none of my business and when I walk in I am greeted by Dave the Doorman, one of the coolest guys I have met. Talk for a few then I get my drink.

Since it was slow I go out to have a smoke with Dave and we drink our beers at the door so he can check IDs. And when I say it was slow I mean slow, there was probably like 15 people in the place. Oh I failed to mention that someone got the great idea of putting a DJ in the back. Now I have issue with that because when I go there I want to hear punk music and have it be loud. With a DJ spinning classic soul hits it brought in a new crowd. The usual crowd there are in jeans and leather jackets, that night you had the normal crowd at the bar and dude with half way buttoned shirts cutting up rug in the back. Really not the standard for that place which is known to be a rough bar, perfect for likes to fight guy.

Dave and I are sitting there minding our own business when a rugby player and his friend come in. Dave, doing his job asks for ID the rugby guy was cool with it but his extremely drunk friend felt that he didn’t have to show ID. Before there could be an argument another asshole runs outside with an open beer so Dave runs after him to tell him he can’t have that. In the time he was gone the drunk guy looks at me and starts cussing Dave out behind his back. Now being that I am cool with Dave this rubbed me the wrong way. So I have words with the guy while the rugby guy is like oh no my friend is going to get killed tonight. Rugby guy was cool and mediated nicely and because he was cool about the whole thing when Dave came back in nothing happened. but the drunk guy could not leave well enough alone.

Right before they were going to leave drunk guy looks at me and tells me that I am the type of guy that he would jack off in my face. By this time rugby guy grabs his friend and starts to walk him out. Truth be told I am afraid of rugby guy because they feel no pain much like a retard and didn’t want to fight drunk guy for fear that rugby guy would kill me. See I know my limits and I do my best to put myself in winnable situations. At that point all Dave and I could do was laugh. Rugby guy was apologizing for his friend a lot and walked him. It was all good, the guy was drunk and not worth anything so they left. Dave and I have a good laugh after they bailed out.

Not even five minutes after they leave a dude with his girl come in and Dave asked for ID. The guy waves Dave off and was really rude about it. I mean come on, when a person that works at a bar asks for ID just fucking show it, this guy had to be all hard core. By the way he was fucking huge, his legs were as big as my waist. Dave gets up and gets between the big guy and the bar and tells him that he needs ID before they can be in there. The guy starts to question Dave asking who he was, Dave just says that he is the doorman. The guy pushes him aside and walks right up to the bar. Now the bartender Nicky is watching the whole thing and is rolling his eyes. Like he will let the guy buy a beer at that point, he wouldn’t even check the guy’s ID. A small argument starts up, the buff guy is claiming that is was racist and shit like that he was just trying to start trouble.

Now everyone I have this to has asked me if the guy was drunk. No he was not, he was a calm as can be he just didn’t a shit. He did get pissed a few times and would tell Dave to fuck off and shit like that. Things were getting a little bit testy and I can see that is was going to get out of control because the guy just didn’t care about anything other then getting what he wanted which was a beer without showing ID. At this point Nicky comes from behind the bar to try and calm the situation down. Dave was also doing his best to talk to the guy but after Nick got from behind the bar he just starts cussing at everyone and pushes Dave. At that point he was asked to leave but doesn’t want to. Instead he gets into Dave’s face and tells him that he is going to beat the shit out of him. I can see Dave getting a massive adrenaline rush because he was shaking not because he was scared but because he was getting ready to go with the guy. Now Dave is the same size as I am and this guy was fucking buff as fuck but he still didn’t back down.

Nick sensing that things were getting out of hand tells the guy he has to leave and there are plenty of other bars on the street he can go to. The guy gets even more pissed and again tells Dave he was going to beat his ass and pushes him. At that time I get up because the guy was so pissed at both of them that maybe if a random person got up he would calm down, wrong. After a few minutes he tells them that he was going to leave and starts towards the door. Dave and Nick are following him from behind to make sure he leaves. At this point they do not have their hands on him even after the guy pushed Dave, I am standing off to the side but kind of in the middle of it and he starts to walk out. Just before he gets to the door he turns around.

One last time he turns around but this time he pushes Dave again. Dave gets up in his face and starts to move him out of the bar at which point the guy tries to head but Dave glances at him turns to Nicky and pushes him into the door. All three of us then get the guy and start to aggressively get him out of the building. Once we get him to the door the guy starts to throw punches and we all use our energy to push the guy as far as we can from the bar. Well he was so big and strong that the push caught him off guard and grabs all of us at the same time as he is going down. We all go flying from the door to the curb. I bounce off the pile and hit the side of a car but as I hit the ground I look at the struggle and start to get back up because the guy was not staying down. But just as I get up another dude from inside runs out and gets the guy in a headlock and I grab my phone and call the cops.

For the short time I am on the ground I noticed that someone was bleeding and there was blood everywhere but didn’t think too much of it at the time. As I am on the phone they get the guy up from the ground and pin him up against a car. I am on the phone trying to keep calm, giving the lady the address, my name and what went down. Less than a minute later a cop car pulls up and three more follow, they come running out and separate all the people. Dave at this point is standing right next to me covered in blood. Then we notice that his head is busted wide open and we are all covered in his blood. The car was also a bloody mess but Dave was really messed up. The entire left side of his face was bloody, his clothes soaked in blood. I have blood on my clothes and on my arms. The cops are looking over Dave and ask him if he is alright, he keeps saying that he is but I tell him that he needs stitches and the cops agree so they call in the ambulance.

It was at this point in time that the buff guy looks at Dave and tells him that he is bleeding and wants to know how. We all start yelling at the guy who is trying to play it off like he did nothing wrong and walks over to Dave. The cops are doing a great job at this point as they let the guy walk right up to Dave until they realize what is going on and they all get on him. I mean really dude how the fuck do you think he got covered in blood could it have been because we had to throw you out of a bar and you decided to start throwing punches at us? Could it be that we all hit the curb or a car or the parking meter or all of the above. Fucking dumbass.

Now the ambulance arrived and we have to take off our shirts so they can hose us down because we all had blood on us. They check Dave out and it looked like he had a concussion and they put a neck brace on him. He gets taken away on a stretcher and the only thing I could do was give the paramedics my number because I am the only one that was involved that lives in SF and if he needed a ride home to call me.

After all the dust settled I drank more than what I planned on and we were all pissed. Meanwhile the half unbuttoned shirt people were having a great time because they go to this place for the first time and they see action and I start talking to a few other people. The buff guy gets cuffed and taken away.

So I am not in a good mood at this point, I am really pissed. So I am going to break down bars for all you people that go. Do not fuck with the doorman, if he asks for ID just fucking give it. do not fuck with the bartender, he won’t serve you drinks if you do. Most importantly if you are asked to leave take it like a fucking man and walk. Now buff guy is in jail he is going to have assault charges thrown against him, he is going to have to prove against ten other people who all saw the same thing. Hopefully Dave sues the fuck out of the guy causing him to loose they job he has having to wear a paper hat standing over greasy burgers making $8 an hour. All because you won’t show an ID. Now I am willing to bet that girl got wet in her pants and can’t wait for the guy to get out so she cam fuck his dick off which is sick for so many reasons.

I help close down the bar and walk home in a bad mood. This also sucks because I just don’t have the energy to write about the other stuff that happened to me this week. How I bought a new phone and will be posting short video clips on you tube. I can’t tell you the great time I had on Sunday and a bum sat at our table and started eating our food. How two drunk guys that just got done with a nacho eating contest started to pick up on my room mate. Sorry, maybe next week

A Slow Dive

There is a reason I decided not to write the Blog until today. I am going to touch on a serious topic for once. Namely the Goth club I went to last Monday. Now for those who don’t know me all that well I think goth chicks when they are not fat are super fucking hot and I do like a lot of the music so naturally a club that has what I want is the way to go. A little over a month ago my boy Seamus told me about this goth club here in SF and that I should go. Now I am a veteran of goth clubs having been to almost all that southern cal has to offer, basically the only one in Phoenix so I know what is good and what is bad.

After a month of telling Seamus that I would go I finally decided that I was going to go last week. But I started to think of every goth club I have been to and the fact that the bathroom is not a place you want to find yourself unless you want to have a dude proposition you to suck your dick or seeing people shoot heroine. I am into neither. So I decided to try and take a shit before I went even though I didn’t have to go. I mean seriously think about it, it is quite one thing to take a piss because you can shield your cock and cover your ass from attacks from behind. But taking a shit is quite another. Imagine your taking a shit on a toilet that probably has crusty seaman lining it, the door won’t lock and someone walks right in mid shit. I would say a fairly awkward situation to find yourself in. So I sit on my toilet for like 15 minutes and don’t shit and I figure I must not have to go and can hold it for two hours if I did have to go, plus I have been dropping think loads not that loose shit that always gets you wondering.

Satisfied with myself I get in my car and leave. Show up to the club which is only like ten minutes from my house find a good parking spot pay my five bucks to get in and get my hand stamped for reentry. Thinking to myself that Seamus was going to be there in part because he has been going and mostly because he told me he was going to go because I was there. Now every goth club has a black velvet entry point, this was no different what was different was that there were literally three people on the dace floor dancing alone and about 17 people total in the place. I go walking around trying to find Shea, can’t find him. The DJ is playing some good tunes so I am into it and am going to give it a good try. That was until that shit I tried to take 45 minutes before finally decided to show up. I started to survey the floor and noticed two dudes in fishnet walking into the bathroom at the same time. In retrospect now that I am writing this down I should have gone in just so I could have something more to say but staying true to myself I left and went home. I could not shit, five dollars wasted.

Now me going out is a function of the past four or five months where I have not really left the house and my life was basically, work, getting pissed at co-workers and trying to keep myself occupied at home. I was basically snapping because one of the last times I went out I went to Murio’s and met a chick. Now this was not a girl that you are proud of in fact I wanted nothing to do with her and was with my friend John. Together we came up with the term Buffalo Solider, referring to a guy that fucks a Buffalo Girl a term for an unfuckable girl. Now the game is only fun if other people play it and I should not say unfuckable because unfuckable is just that unfuckable, no matter how many drinks you have they are still just unfuckable. A Buffalo Girl is more a girl that you feel ashamed of after the fact, like you did just to do it because you know you could. Basically the other people that are hip to this term do not fuck Buffalos and I am the reigning champion.

At Murio’s this fateful night I am with my friend John after we had gotten done practicing and there she was. The absolute definition of a Buffalo Girl. John, looks at me and confirms if that is one and I tell him that if he scored that he will become champion. So John spits his lame ass game and she ends up sitting down next to me together we start singing Murder City Devils songs and start talking. Cool chick. John decides to bail out and to her that was a sign that I wanted to fuck. So she kept buying me drinks until close and the more I drank the more I started focusing on the one attractive thing about her. So I keep looking at her fingernails and I start to think damn those are some hot finger nails, this was the beginning of the end.

Last call hits I am out on the streets she is still talking to me every place is closed and she needs some water. Being that I am a nice guy I let her know I live around the corner and I can hook her up with some water. We get back to my pad I get her the water and she wants to tour. I quietly show her around, show her the living room, my TV room then open the door to my bedroom. She grabs my cock and starts making out with me. By this time I am drunk and the affection has me all boned up. She throws me on my bed, takes off all my clothes and avalanches me. I don’t remember anything past that point because I basically blacked out. I was so fucking drunk I was done.

There is nothing like waking up the next morning not even hung over to find an unfuckable sleeping right next to you. I quietly get up and get into the shower, using the luffa I am really trying to scrub myself clean. I get ready for work and wake her up and tell her I have to go, she gets her stuff and bails out. The second she bails I start destroying my room looking for any type of love glove, nothing. The entire day I am totally freaked the fuck out. This was a few weeks before Comic Con and really I was terrified for what ended up being months because of this. Waiting for the “I’m pregnant” phone call that never came. More so I was totally ashamed which is hard for me to get, but damn I felt horrible about myself for like five months. Now you all know why I have not been going out, that one night freaked me out fucking badly.

Fast forward to this week.

I drive a lot for work and I live in San Francisco so there are a lot of HIV and AIDS awareness posters everywhere. The more I keep driving the more I seem to see and the more I seem to see the more I start to think I had one of the two. Slowly I start to think more and more about it until last week I had enough I just needed to know. Last Wednesday I call the doctors office and make an appointment for that day to get fully tested for everything.

They naturally ask you questions. Why do you want to take this test? Well I slept with real fucked up girls. Do you have any sores on your penis? No. Does it hurt when you urinate? No. On and on they go asking questions partly because they want to know what type of tests to give you but I for one think they are measuring your chances in their head judging you.. after the questions they decide that I will not need the q tip up my dick hole and that a piss test would be just fine. I did a cartwheel over that. Then right before she sends me downstairs to give blood I ask her how long the test takes, she tells me two weeks which I was all freaked out about. Then she tells me that clean tests often take a day or two. Downstairs I go give my blood.

Friday, I am back at the doctors for a routine physical thinking to myself well if I am clean then they should have it, it has been two days. Nothing. On my walk home the only thing I can think about was her telling me that it takes one or two days if it is clean and that it had been two days and they had nothing. This made for a fucking great weekend.

I sit around trying to keep myself occupied and I really start to think that this is it that it is over or was it? I really started putting some legitimate thought into this. I started to think what is so bad? Think about it you get to die young and not get old man sagging balls. I am sure there are groups and shit that you can go to meet chicks, I mean at that point who really gives a fuck about anything and I am sure these chicks would be down to fuck like crazy. I basically convinced myself that had HIV/AIDS but still for about six days I was the most religious person in the world. I even bought one of those candles Mexicans buy at the (( cents store, you know the one with either Jesus or the Virgin Mary, I am now the proud owner of one.

Monday, I give a call to the doctors office to see if my results were in, nothing. All day today I am just fucking twisting hard core, then I get the phone call that the results were in but I had to come in. I start to think why do I have to come in if I am clean? Wouldn’t they only want you in if you had something so you can start talking about was you can live with it. Oh perhaps they put you in an AIDS database branding you for life. After that call I was really fucked up. But being that I am at work and had something to do I did finish what I had then went right home and played FIFA 10 for about a hour until I made the long walk to the doctors.

I sign in and pay my $20 copay for the third time in less than a week and they sit me in this room. I sat there for a while shaking and shit. The doctors comes in, scratch that barely opens the door and tells me I am fine all clear. I wasn’t even relieved I was more pissed that I just paid $20 bucks. Really if I have to come in and I am all good can’t you just fucking tell me in a room? Oh that’s right the medical field is fucking corrupt and all they want is you money.

Yes, I am free of all STDs and I am happy about that and I have come up with two new rules. First one, always wear a bag. Second, stop fucking whores. Third and most important of the all I will no longer meet girls and fuck girls that I meet at Murio’s ever again. You might ask why? Very easy one reason is that it is very difficult to not find a girl that does not fall into my second rule. Most importantly it is my bar and I really don’t want to see them again. It ruins my bar for me and I have no place to go to twice a week to bullshit.

Even though I was feeling down I still did go out for Halloween. I did keep it low key and went to Murio’s. I must tell you it was fun but I was so fucked up I was not having a good time. That and the fact that the dyke chick was there looking good. Yes, the same dyke chick that told me she was getting married to a chick. The same stupid cunt that was the topic of one of my last blogs. Well she was there, I am feeling like shit. The sight of her smiling having a good time made me feel worse. We accidentally saw each other and I keep it cool with one of those head nods. I did see her with some lame dude that she knows that is a closet faggot but no wife? Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that you are such a cunt that you can’t even tell me the truth, I bet there was no girl that she just didn’t like me which is fine.

I go outside to have a cigarette with Doorman Dave and she sends this dude out to talk to me. “Mary Ellen wants to know how you are doing?” Dude what the fuck is she going to write me a note that asks if I am mad at her with a box for no and a box for yes? Fuck just come out and talk to me. I do have to give her some credit she knew that I was looking good that night and I would blow her off. Lesson to all don’t fuck with me because I will fuck you back slowly and painfully until I decide I have hurt you 100 times more than you hurt me.

In short fuck you go eat some hairy cot and stay the fuck out of my fucking bar.