Well for once I delayed writing this because I have a lot to cover. This will be a long one just to let you know, I might have to break it up into two parts. Bottom line, last weekend I went to a wedding and a funeral, this week I have a few things to cover. With that disclaimer out of the way let’s get right to it shall we?
Last weekend marked a very special event which was the wedding of Josh and Delia. Josh being my best friend, I will not bore you with why or how long we have known each other. Just know that I consider him to be my best friend and during his wedding I had the stress of being his best man. With that stress comes the planning on the bachelor party. This is a story all onto itself.
This started months ago when my brother kept hounding me to have a really sweet party for Josh. I partly believe that was because my brother needed to see something cool, so I said alright. But after talking with Josh we were not sure that we wanted to have some big event as a matter of fact the final word was not given until the Friday before the wedding. We were talking and neither of us like to spend money but at the same time, could we get a cool story out of having a party? Would we sit there in regret for years by not having one? Or would this big one of the biggest disasters known to man? Well we figured that not having one would lead to many regrets so we decided to have one.
The plan was simple, it had been in my mind for a few months on what I wanted to do at the party. First get all of Josh’s friends, drink, roast him and have a cool girl on girl show. In fact the ultimate goal was to have to chicks go ass to ass. So after the final word was given I did some heavy internet research and with the help of my friend Poorman I was able to narrow the search down to a few sites. Caexoticdancers.com was the site of choice for the party, but there were so many girls and so little time. I could tell the first time I went through the site it would be hard for me to pick two girls out, yeah there were a lot to choose from but I really don’t find strippers to be attractive in any way. Also, there was something in my head telling me that the girls I saw on the site would not be the girls that would be showing up for the party.
In decided to make this simple, I had Josh pick three of the girls that he would like to have show up. After all it was his party and it would not be a surprise. So he gives me his list and it was up to me to pick three more girls. Basically you give a list of six girls and you will get in this case two of the six. So after I get the list I read up on the rules and the rates. $300 to have them come for a show, flat rate for the two and depending on how much money you give them will determine how cool of a show you get. So I start building a spread sheet listing who would be attending the party, from that list I determined how much money each person would have to bring in order to keep the costs down for everyone. With this in mind I determined that if we had ten people show up we would each need to pitch in $60. I think $60 bucks to see two chicks fuck each other with a double sided dildo is an alright price. But as with everything there were some problems.
So you would think that Josh has enough friends to fill his place. Now let me just say this, we had committed six people, four more should be no problem. Well it turned out to be a problem. Out of the people that we wanted there you would not believe how many adults in their late 20’s early 30’s could not pay $60. I mean seriously, if you are over the age of 25 and you are not either going to school or trying to work more than 20 hours a week just put an end to yourself, because honestly you have no point. So of these people some are my good friends and they really wanted to go but could not afford it. what do you think there answer to me was? That’s right, they asked if their friends could come because their friends could pay. My answer was simply no. why would you even ask to invite a person to a bachelor party that the groom to be does not know or has never met? It doesn’t make sense to me what people think sometimes. Simple, get a job pay the $60 or don’t go.
So after the dust settled on who was going to go and who was confirmed I determined that we would have enough people to get the two chicks and have a kick ass show. I call the agency and request Mallory, Presley, Holly. Lock up the time and we are all set. Hop on a plane after work on a Thursday ready to head over to Josh’s place and have a good time. By now everyone that is going to attend is very excited.
So I land, rent my car and head right over to meet up with Josh, go to the store and buy the alcohol for the night. I determine that I will not be buying food for everyone and if they want something they can buy it themselves. We move his couches around so that we can all surround the strippers as they are doing their work. The people start to pile in and I collect the money as they walk into the door. I ended up paying for one of our friends Donovan because we just could not have this party without him. I put in money for another friend Justin because he was going to pay me with a check, he shows up and has money so I figure cool we are $60 over but I am $120 shorter. No problem I am the best man and I figured to spend a little bit more.
Around 10:30 everyone is there, which was a huge surprise to me, usually you will get those fuck heads that show up late even though you tell them not too. During this process I along with josh’s room mate Steve our doing our best to get him as drunk as possible. Josh never drinks but tonight was going to be different. So he is nice and drunk all the people are there and it is time to roast Josh. It was not too harsh, in the middle of it the strippers decided to show exactly on time. It was great because all of us were caught off guard by their punctuality, this started a wonderful night.
They give me a call because they cannot find parking and I tell them I would meet them outside. I must say I was a little nervous, hoping that they would look ok and a little bit like their pictures. So I see them pull up and from a distance I tell myself, not bad I think all the guys will like this. We get inside and the room goes silent, it was like none of the guys that were in there had ever seen a girl before. No one more excited then my friend Derek, this guy was like a caged animal. Even better when he is a diabetic and drinks a lot, let me just say a few months ago I talked some shit about Derek, I am taking it all back. Derek is the man. In fact all of the Castaneda brothers are the fucking shit. We set up the stripper base camp in Steve’s room, I didn’t want to have them in Josh’s room because I had my shit in there and did not want them to steal anything. It was suggested to me that I demand that they clap while they were out of site, I didn’t really have to worry about that since there was someone following them wherever they went. They call for me and I head up to the stripper base camp ready to negotiate.
Now I am in the room with these two chicks and they are going over the rules and shit with me, they also asked me what I wanted to have happen. I tell them that we are not really interested in getting lap dances for the guys. We would rather see a really out there show. Mind you I have all the money and I have been trusted to negotiate with them to get something that we all want to see, so I had a lot of pressure on me to get this done. First thing they tell me was it would be $300, so I get the money out and lay it on the bed. After I told them that we did not want to have private dances and if a guy wanted one it was up to him to pay for one, they look a little disappointed. Disappointed like they were hoping that all they would be doing were dances. Fuck that shit if I was to see a dance I will buy watered down coke and pay a cover charge. Then they started to tell me what they would do for the right amount of money. I tell them simply, we want to see you two fucking with a double sided dildo and go down on each other. I want you to give Josh some really good dances and make it a night none of us will forget. They tell me it would be an extra $300. knowing how much money I had I said alright, it made sense and we were planning on paying that amount of money for the night. Then they start throwing in extras.
The $300 that we agreed to now no longer included a double sided dildo, this no longer included having one of the guys use a massive dildo on either of them. This was starting to piss me off. Under a normal circumstance I would have just said no, but what am I going to do, I am in charge of this party and I need to do whatever I could to make it awesome. The strippers had me, I could do nothing. Either I be a Jew and the whole show sucks or I overspend and get something cool. I decide to overspend and lock them into girl on girl fucking in front of our eyes. Just as I thought the pain was over, they hit me up for one dollar bills. Wait a minute, I just paid you $700, none of this bullshit, my guys are not going to throw down one dollar bills at you cheap whores. Oh yes we will if you want them to perform. I swear to fucking god, this was the biggest negotiation ass fuck of all time, I could do nothing. I hated the feeling of not having any power of the situation. So I go into my cash stash and pull out $100 more and they change me out to ones.
I go down the stairs and start to distribute the cash and go over the rules with the guys. Guys here are your ones, you will have to throw a few out when they are doing there thing. If you want a dance you will have to buy one for yourself, the money that you pitched in was for the show. Amazing how a few of the people did not understand that as I was telling about the party. We get out blanket and spread it on the floor, the last thing we needed was stale pussy dust saturating the floor.
Down come the strippers complete with a bad mix of rap songs that we had to play. They sit Josh down and they start doing their thing. However, every five minutes they ask us to throw in another $20. I am getting pissed, I told these hoes what the deal was, but they knew that there would be a guy that threw in extra money and they were right. Then they ask again and again and again. By the third time all the guys are looking at me to throw money in while Josh is telling us they are ripping us off. I throw more money in. Josh by now is in his boxers, which they ripped and his ass was hanging out all night long. Awesome site to see. After the dance for the groom they go up the stairs to change.
About 45 minutes pass by and they are still up stairs, by now they guys are getting really pissed off as am I. Listen you fucking blood suckers, we paid you to dance not to make fun of us in another room. So I am aggravated like you would not believe, I had to go up stairs and ask them to hurry up. These two could not have been more pissed off and really did not want to be there. It was like that night they both had a realization that neither of them could tell their parents what they do for a living. Shaking their flat asses and foul pussies in front of guys, some of whom actually paid to see this.
So they get on the floor and start in on the 69 position, this is when the real fun started. And my main Derek was the one that started us of. As they are doing each other he starts to grab their tits, then basically everyone started to grab their tits. The best for me was seeing Donovan grab their tits. I feel so bad for this guy, he has had sex one time in life and it just so happened that I was there and busted in with a camera and started taking pictures. That was good night. So here he is he gets a taste of what a tit is again and he can’t get enough. All of his cares went away. Meanwhile Derek is playing with another set of tits belonging to one of the hoes, this hoe had tattoos surrounding her nipples. Derek was in love, if only for just 30 minutes, he was in love. Then you start having guys get two inches from the girls as they are licking each other, confirming to all that they are in fact giving head.
They pull away and start lighting candles and fuck themselves with them. Then comes the two sided beast. Legs akimbo they start to fuck hard, moving all over into the different positions that they could. I don’t know how they got this to happen but they are doing it doggy, very nice. It even got to the point that as they are doing it, the tit play comes in, guys grabbing ass, Derek at one point in time touched pussy which they did not like. One guy even had his hand on the exposed part of the dildo as they were fucking, making sure to tell everyone that he was not couching the vag. Yes we can see that. They stop and break out what I call the monster, it was about 12 inches in length and four inches in girth and had a clit stimulator. One lucky guy was able to use that in them, I will not mention any names. This same guy was lucky enough to put a candle in his mouth and use it to fuck both of them.
After the show they go up stairs and there is a line for private dances. Some of them lasted five minutes some lasted 30. One wonders what really happened during the longer sessions. You’re right they probably gave some head at a baring price.
After they left the party really died down. It was basically just the basic people, some people had to go to work the next day. Others were just there for the show. The rest of us drank and talked about the evening some more. By the end of the night Josh and Derek were basically holding hands on his couch. Bottom line Derek is the single greatest person I have ever come across. First he has a great catch phrase “more money then you’ll ever make.” Second, as he puts it he IS the most laid back person he knows. Thumbs up for Derek.
The nest day we wake up after about three hours of sleep and none of us could figure out why. My brother and I are looking at each other getting pissed off when Derek walks down the stairs. Now I have not been able to describe the shape Derek was in just a few hours before hand. He was the Michael Jordan of drunk that night, he had his fucking fingers inside a stripper’s asshole and did not even realize it. We gave him water laced with vodka and he downed that shit there would be no tomorrow. He was some how able to drink for four people that night and this mother fuckers walks right down the stairs without a care in the world, like he had not even touched a drop of anything. My brother and I are just looking at him and we both thought the same thing, this guy is super human and at that moment I wished I was him. This all changed very soon after he came down stairs.
About 15 minutes after he comes down Josh follows. He is pissed because he drank a lot for probably the third time in his life. We were just bullshitting watching some TV and ever so slowly Derek’s body remembered that he was drunk. I have never seen a guy get drunk before my eyes without drinking anything but water. It was truly amazing, heavenly in fact. Derek, was drunk dialing people at 8 in the morning, it was awesome. He called his mom expressing how drunk he was, lucky for us it was on speaker phone so we could hear just how disappointed she was in him. Derek’s mom, Derek is the bomb. At about 10 we take off, I drop Derek off and my brother and I thought we would not see him again for five days. Not the case.
One piece of business that we had to take care on the Friday was picking up our tuxedos. I meet up with Josh and I have my brother with me, get fitted. The first question we ask Josh was if Derek was able to function. At this point I should not be surprised by his answer, Derek had picked up his tux and was busy running his own errands. It was like nothing had happened. After that we go to the church for the rehearsal, my stress had begun.
So we get there and I don’t if this sounds like shit to you but basically nobody showed up for this. The Castaneda’s and Casalettas are in full effect in fact we were early. The bride brought one brother and sister with her, Josh arrived on his own. We were missing about half the people. I mean really, if you were invited and asked to be a part of a wedding for a friend or family member why would you not take it seriously? That means getting the fucking rehearsal on fucking time. So we are just sitting in the church looking at each other and the wedding planner who was giving us our instructions was basically like, fuck them we don’t have time for this shit so she starts. She lines us all up and we pretend to walk down the isle with the person we are matched up with. The maid of honor was there so I had no problem, it was funny for me to see everyone else but two walk down with nobody. I found it to be funny. Slowly others started to file in and eventually they were almost all there. Derek was the most concerned about his partner, he just had a feeling that she would be the ugliest one, he was right. She was also married and had a kid, snake eyes.
The wedding planner is spouting out instruction to everyone but she was doing it like we all went to that church. I left there so nervous and confused, I was almost better off not showing up because this fucked with my head until the wedding. More on that and a stupid choice I made.
After this was all over josh’s mom decides to have a get to know you dinner with her family and hers. First, she does not know how to give directions and we are all getting lost and getting pissed. Second, get to know you dinners should probably have assigned seats because I basically got to know my brother, Marky and Derek. We had the hardest time keeping quiet about the night before, Delia’s nosey sister kept trying to get us to admit what we did. As far as she knows we just drank a lot, she knew that there was something else going on but she could not figure it out. She is so sneaky that she would listen to us without listening to us and give reports to the family members she was sitting next to. Oh yeah did I mention that she was able to do this because they all speak Spanish and none of us do. Total crap, anyways no big deal we were able to keep out mouths shut for the most part.
Saturday arrives and I wake up early. I attended the funeral for Rajka B, Mike B’s mom. She had been fighting cancer for a few years and was one of the coolest ladies I have ever met in my life. She was one of the nicest people you could ever come across. Mike, was not upset aside from losing his mom he knew that she had lived a great life and was in pain for the last few months in a big way. In a sad way he was happy that the pain had ended for her. The funeral was very nice, a huge turn out a lot of friends showed up which I was pleasantly surprised to see, everything went well. I wished I could have stayed longer but I had to get ready for the wedding.
Part two coming this weekend.
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