Stalked

You will be glad that I waited to write this. Just so you know I started to write this on Sunday then I had a girl come over so I stopped for obvious reasons. Basically I met this chick from a trusted online dating service, met up with her last week. Strap yourself in for this one.

First off I was very luke warm with this chick to begin with. I figured what the hell, the worst thing that can happen is I don’t like her. So we meet up at my favorite bar. As soon as I walk in I see her, she was pretty hard to miss and it wasn’t because she was wearing lime green. As a matter of fact I would have totally missed her on purpose if she had not been obsessively watching the door awaiting my arrival. As I am sitting there we start to talk, it is going ok. I felt that the real reason I was not into her was because I just didn’t like the conversation. A few hours pass and we decide to go back to my place.

I don’t know why I did but I started to make out with her. This goes on for a hour or so. I explain to her why girls should give it up on the first date. She agreed with me but at the same time did not act upon her agreement with me. Seriously, you girls really need to look at how you conduct yourselves. This chick totally wanted to have sex with me, but for some reason didn’t? It does not make any sense to me at all. Before she left I shared my need for alone time six days a week. So before we go to far she leaves. I am not worried.

Days go by and I find myself not caring at all, but for some reason on Sunday I decide to return a text message from her. One thing led to another and I find her at my place while I watch True Blood and Entourage. It would have been awesome if I could have watched these shows without her laying on my chest suffocating me. I also love when people open their fucking mouths while I am watching something. Listen, watch and shut the fuck up. Three fucking things, is that too hard to do? I didn’t think so.

As my chest is be smashed in she starts to make out with me. we end up on my bed. The whole time I am thinking that I should not do anything because I am just not into her at all. She is all over me, ripping off her clothes getting down to her underwear pulling me in, asking me if I have condoms. I finally decide to give in and give this dog a bone. Just as I do she does a 180 and tells me she can’t and is out of my door within 30 seconds. Good, nothing happened so nothing for me to feel guilty about.

Monday, text message saying she was sorry and she didn’t know what came over her. Work busy, stress high urge to kill co workers on the rise. I get home, play my video games and spend the night relaxing.

Tuesday, I decide to leave work a little on time. On my way home I am getting text messages from her telling me she is at the bar. Using my lingo when describing who is there. Fuck that shit, don’t fucking talk like me unless you already talk like me when we meet. I don’t find it at all flattering when a chick thinks I am so fucking awesome that she tries to mimic my mannerisms. Be your fucking self please, all you do is confirm in my mind that you are a weak minded fool. I do not respond to her messages. In fact I laugh on my way home and start to think about my nap.

I get home and I go right into my bed, I mean I was totally beat. Work was crazy I am getting pulled into all these different directions all of the time. I end up being put into the middle of all these different shit situations. The reason is because people like me enough to try to help a situation, anyways I am done with work talk for now. So I am in bed watching some election coverage thinking, damn none of this really matters, more on that next time. Just as I start to fall asleep I feel my phone start to vibrate, surprise! Another text. This one says that she would call but she thought I might not answer the phone and she is sorry for Sunday. Well yeah, she should be sorry I was about to do her a favor and no I would have answered. So my eyes are closed and I start to fall asleep.

Five minutes after I get her message just before I was about to fall into a deep sleep for the night I hear my name being called. It took me a second to realize it was my name and another second to realize that she was outside my window calling for me. Fucking crazy bitch. You make an ass out of yourself in my room then make an ass of yourself in public. How awesome of you and what a way to make me think you are totally not worth my time, you fucking loser. Maybe Santa Clause will be nice to you and put a life time gym pass into your stocking ;)~

In some brighter news, my mom is coming to visit this weekend. Great. This really fucks up my alone time. I work so fucking hard during the week I don’t want to do anything during my weekend. See I am different then most people that claim they work hard during the week. If you bust your ass during the week would that not make you tired and in need of rest? Exactly, you are just lying to yourself. You probably don’t work hard, you pretending to work hard makes more work for people like me that actually care about what they do. So do us all a favor, walk to the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge and jump. Maybe if I didn’t have to clean up other peoples fuck ups I would be able to enjoy my days off without having to do nothing just rest. Fuck you and the pussy you squeezed out of.

The Proposition

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Blues

I have been looking into ways to get out more without spending a lot of money. Lucky for me I live in San Francisco and there is always something going on in one of the parks. Weather it be movies at Dolores Park or free concert festivals in Golden Gate Park, I am finding if I look hard enough there is something I can do not spend a lot of money and meet chicks. This week I went to the Bluegrass festival held in Golden Gate Park.

Saturday morning I start it off like any other Saturday, I go wash my clothes. I find that during the morning on a weekend is a good time because I still have basically my whole day to do whatever I want to do. So I get up get my stuff together and head out, now it rained on Friday night for the first time in a few months and because it had been a few months I forgot what happens when it rains. I soon remembered upon arriving at my laundry mat to find it had been turned into a bum complex. As soon as I walked up on it I remembered that when it rains the bums scatter from the park like Mexican Lowriders when they see the cops. They do this simply because they are foul losers that need to keep dry and since they have no place to go and were probably up all night taking turns fucking the one bum chick in their crew they are more well equipped to show up and dry their clothes as soon as the doors open.

So I am in there putting my clothes away thinking that I will not be able to leave while my clothes are being done because I can’t trust any of them. Before I can start I walk over to the change machine but I could not quite reach it, why you ask? Simple, because there was one of these human rats buried under four sleeping bags from the goodwill and this inconsiderate asshole decides to sleep right underneath it. Me being the mean person that I am and getting really aggravated by the smell that they are creating I just step on his compound and lucky for me I connected with his head. So he wakes up all pissed and looks at me because he knows he can’t do anything and also realizes that he is asleep under the change machine. Showing the half of brain he has he moved realizing that I was not going to be the only one walking on him unless he moved.

Now back to the smell. The words here cannot not truly give this smell justice. Remember they don’t wash their clothes because to them putrid smells are nothing more then an aphrodisiac. Let me just say it’s a horrible smell but here is the worst part, as if the smell was not bad enough something else happens to the point that you can feel the smell all over your body. This happens when there are six of them, they only have enough money to dry one load of clothes, so they are in there with their dirty wet blankets and their body heat combined with the heat from the dryers it creates steam. So I am engulfed in smelly steam and I feel forced to stay there the whole time so I don’t get jacked by these jerks.

There I am sitting there miserable with only one thought I my head and that was to buy a washer and dryer that day. As I am thinking this I noticed that they all move outside blocking the front door I get up and walk around to just check it out. The feeling of loneliness really starts to creep over me because as I am walking around I realize that I am the only person that sleeps on a bed not made of leaves. I also notice one of the bum kids sitting at the table where we all fold our clothes and he is looking really suspicious. I get to see that he was trying to hide his crack pipe and drugs. I start to feel really ill at this point and start to wonder why the old man that owns this place that seems to always be there isn’t there in my time of need. So the kid seeing that it was safe starts to free base in the laundry mat. By this point I was ready to loose it but I calmed myself down and told him to put his shit out before I call the cops. He looks at me and just says “why” as a response. Really? Are you that stupid? I basically told him just to put it out because I don’t want to see his sorry ass do that stuff and the ever looming threat of the cops to come pick him up and deliver him back to his rich parents house loomed to large for him to not take seriously.

One good thing about the laundry that day was a blast from the past sent me a text. That’s right our favorite psycho chick Kate wants to hang out. Hell yes I want to hang out! This is how I found out about the Bluegrass festival that was going on one mile away from my front door. She tells me when time to meet and tells me to bring beer. I prepare for a great day.

As she requested I get the beer all in the hopes of seeing her in all of her glory. I am on the Muni heading out to where the concert is being held and lucky me I can’t listen to Stern because she is on the same train as I am and who with? None other then her cousin Mike, that’s right the same one that begged to see my cock for four hours the last time I hung out with her. Now I was not sure if it was Kate when I first stepped on the train. She must have gained a good 20 lbs from the last time I saw her. So she is wearing only pair of jeans that she has and has owned for a years but the pants are just so tight on her. You can see the seems busting from her zipper and large masses of flesh hanging all out. It was gross. It was just one disappointment after another, the next one was she stopped drinking and started to be more responsible. She moved in with her dad so she can save up money, she stopped randomly fucking guys, this would be the first day in a month hat she had a drink. Meanwhile Mike was also not the same little bitch that I remembered.

We end up at the west of the park and I really don’t know what to expect. One thing is when something is free it gets packed! This was no exception, nothing but lame young chicks trying to be funny or old hippies with their shirts off exposing us to their hairy backs. It was a trip for me to see these people who were definitely part of the baby boom era, that used to back free love and communism. Well now that they are older and made a killing in the stock market they have changed. Don’t be fooled, they still might have their beards or long hair. But it all rings hallow when they have massive compounds built with tvs and radios, fans to cool themselves and really expensive Tommy Bahamas shirts.

As for the music, it was cool. Don’t mistake a free festival with local acts only. This one had acts like Emmylou Harris and Iron & Wine. So the quality was good. I did get bored after a while and we ended up staying for only about three hours. I went home Kate and Mike went to Lovefest, which is a very similar event as Bluegrass festival but for electronic music. To my disappointment nothing crazy happened while we were there, in fact she is different when she is not drinking and by that I mean not fun or worth my time. No big deal because the day was just starting and there was a major Dodger game to watch.

My Saturday night was basically built around game three of the Dodgers Cubs series. Nervous as can be I lock myself into my room and give the game my total attention making sure to miss one second of the action. It was nervous time the Dodgers have not won a playoffs series since they won the world series in 1988. this pressure probably felt more by some of my other friends that basically build their lives around the Dodgers. About the 5^th inning just as things are getting really tense John gives me a call and tells me he is going to watch the game at my place. I don’t think John and I have ever watched a game together that the team we were rooting for won. So this just added to my tension. Long story short the Dodgers won and it was time to celebrate I grab my Dodger sweater that I have been waiting to wear around town with pride not just as a fuck you to the city and we go to Murio’s order us some 24oz. PBR and smile. That is until I was approached.

Here we are enjoying ourselves trying to decide what else we wanted to do that night and some dude that went up to only my chin started to try and punk me. Why did he want to punk me you ask? Simple, he was wearing a Cubs hat and the Dodgers once again ruined their season. It was obvious that he was a little bit drunk. So he walks right up to my chest, John is freaked out because he doesn’t like to fight and didn’t know what to do. So this little guy asks me what I was doing there and I told him I was celebrating and he must be drowning his sorrows. He goes back to how great the Cubs are and how I can’t take away the season they had, well little guy hate to break it to you but the Dodgers did. I am getting really upset but I really didn’t want to fight him so I thought of something more embarrassing for him. I basically intimidated him to the point that he shook my hand and wished the Dodgers well. I did this by just looking like at any second I was going to rip off his head and only gave one word answers, it seemed to work out nicely for me. he takes off John and I start to laugh at him because he was a looser and I go out for a smoke to celebrate.

Well the little guy didn’t know that I was outside and started talking shit to his friends about how he punked me. Here are his friends, one standard white guy and one really annoying dude. I found him annoying because he had a curly q mustache, top hate, tie that went down to his chest, walked around with a cane and tried to pick up girls by using a fake British accent. So I made eye contact with him and he gets all freaked out, now his male burlesque dancer friend asks me if I have a problem. I told him yes I did, I didn’t know which one of their asses to shove his cane up first. He is all embarrassed because he doesn’t know what to say, like he had a moment planned out in his mind if he ever got into a confrontation and he failed miserably, they all did was cower, of course he was talking to me in his regular voice so the foolish chicks that fell for his accent now think his lame and bail out on them, while the guy that works the door that knows me watches the hole thing laughing his ass buys me a drink. They leave in shame, we meet up with my room mate and her friend the Doctor.

We get there my room mate is with a dude the Doctor is really happy to see me and we start to talk about baseball. My room mate is having a good time, we drink a lot and dance to Drum and Bass. John, is just on fire trying to pick up Sweedish lesbians the whole night. I keep telling him how he is wasting his time but he doesn’t realize that he is. Last call arrives and we leave, we hit up the pizza by the slice place right next door and John runs into these young chicks he met at a bar the night before. And damn it I have told him many times, get their number don’t give them yours. He is talking to two of them I am talking to one, he is out of his mind drunk at this point in time and he tells them about the Bluegrass festival. They really just wanted to leave but he has one of those tactics that he is able to body position himself so that they can’t leave and just dominates the conversation. This one chick was basically like fuck it and just started to walk away and John gives his number to this one chick.

John is feeling good at this point, he feels that he pulled quality phone numbers. The Sweedish lesbians that the second last call was called they practically run across the street as John is talking to them. These other young chicks in front of the pizza place all but run away. John was not done. As we are waiting for our pizza to be done he starts talking to this other chick from Germany. She was pretty nice, visiting for the week staying with her cousins. John gets her number and we start walking home, she stops us and asks us if we want to stay at the bar the had been at and DJ. John stayed I went home. I should have stayed but I didn’t want to be trapped there until 6 in the morning. At the time it was already three so maybe I should have. Oh well.

I have this last thing. Guys don’t waste your time with girls that you have no chance with. Lesbians are not going to fuck you, chicks are not going to call you because they just wait for another guy that is better looking that calls them. Let’s not brag about getting a phone number from a girl that will never ever answer the phone when we call. We have all been there before, “dude, I got a number!”

“Alright Rob, you have to wait two days to call.”

You call anyways, not once but like three times and the only answer you get from them is when they are pissed that you have called them four straight days and they want you to leave them alone. So my single guy friends let’s make a pact to only talking about the girls we do have sex with and let’s not harp on every small victory that we come across.