Vegitarians For Fun

It is just a matter of time before I run out of things to say. This week is a perfect example of that. A few reasons for this are I am trying to save up money the next two months for my friends wedding, work has been very crazy this past week and finally my Grandma had successful quadruple bypass done on Friday so I was a little stressed over that. I am glad to say that she is doing fine and it would have been great if somebody that was there filled me in on the situation as opposed to me finding out second hand and hours after the fact. Nothing like the feeling of twisting all day long not knowing what is going on. So being that I don’t have a new story to tell this week I will tell an old one, The Carrot Story…

So back in the year 2000 I was a different person, stocked with my JNCO jeans and DJ Tron mix tapes. My glasses had a circumference of 6 inches, bad skin and a cracking voice. I was not the beautiful picture that I am today, I like to say that I was a late bloomer. I was also a bit of a pseudo gangster in the sense that I tried to play hard like I could beat up everyone and I was just the baddest man on the planet. Well with that great package came one thing I could not get and that was laid.

Back then everyone was using AOL as their primary service, chat rooms were blowing up and it was easy to talk to random chicks online which I did a lot. In fact I still do that. Well there was this one chick that I had met, her name was Becky from a little town called Brea. We ended up clicking over the internet and decided to meet up and go out and we ended up clicking in person. For some reason she thought I was very funny and smart, but at that time I hated myself and all compliments rung hollow to me. But she was a lot of firsts for me, the first time I stuck my fingers inside of a chick it was her. I remember looking at the whole thing like a science experiment. I was so excited I even went down on her, which again was the first time I had done that.

I remember it was during the summer I think I had just turned 21 and she was 19 just out of high school getting ready to go to UCLA. To be honest I can’t really remember if I was 20 or 21 which could push the date of this story back to the summer of 1999. But anyways, I am in her room on a warm summer’s day nobody home except us, I pull down those cotton panties with balloon prints on them looking at this unshaved vagina thinking, damn I am going to enjoy this. She was a little bit nervous to have me do anything to her down there. I really wasn’t listening to what she was saying so I went down there anyways, one huge lick and I was thinking man this does not taste anything like I thought it would so I give it another and another. I do remember really it tasting wrong but it was hard for me because it was my first time, it was just flat our gross. I may have been down there for one minute before she grabbed my hair and told me to stop because she had a yeast infection.

I quickly got up ran to the bathroom and started dry heaving. Rinsing my mouth with warm water pulling out public hairs from my mouth was not the utopian vision I had for my first mouth to vag experience. Needless to say I was a little bit pissed, but this was not the end of her pissing me off.

So for about four weeks we are going out to movies and dinners, things like that. In fact not that I really think about it she was the first girl that I really ever went out with when I had a car. But we would always end up at my house or her house at night. It was cool because I could spend the night at her place. Her parents did not care at all, in fact I thought they were pretty cool. So every night was the same, I would get her off by fingering her and I would get nothing in return. Is what she was able to do for me was tell me that she had sex before in fact is experienced anally, which really started to piss me off after a few weeks. Here I am some awkward kid experiencing something that most of my peers had gone through during high school. I mean I was late to the game on all of this shit, so yeah I was beyond anxious to have sex and all the tales she would tell me would just start to drive me crazy. After one night she told me she loved me but still would not let me put it in, I felt that I had to make a decision.

A day or two after she tells me she loves me I meet up with her on my day off during the week. No parents home, they are both at work we have her whole place to ourselves and I walk into there with intentions of finally getting it over with or just dumping her ass. We go get Jack In The Box and bring it back, she did not get any because her and her mom are vegetarians. I eat my food and she starts making out with me the second I am done. I remember being very aggressive this time, taking off her clothes and laying her across the kitchen table. She is totally naked I am going crazy and I whip out my dick and she tells me that this was not the right place. What your kitchen table is not good enough for you? So I was pissed but I keep doing stuff to her and just as I was ready to get bored like a sign from above I saw in her kitchen table bowl carrots.

I have no idea why I did this but I did, upon seeing the carrot I get one and I start talking dirty to her using the carrot as my instrument of pleasure. Saying shit like you want this carrot to fuck you hard don’t you? She was incredibly into it, shaking and quivering as I am doing my thing. I start to eat her out and use the carrot to tickle her asshole, to this day I still don’t think I have been able to turn on a girl like I did there. As I am tickling her ass with this carrot I slowly start to put it in her ass, this is driving her crazy. I am just putting the carrot further and further into her ass until I basically had the whole thing in there. I decided that would be a good time for me to leave.

I still have the carrot in my hand as I am using it on her but I had enough of this and I was ready to be done with the whole thing. So very quickly I break the exposed part of the carrot off leaving about 6 inches of it in her ass. I played it off by being shocked that my pager was going off. Remember pagers, those things that we used before cell phones because you had to spend $500 for a down payment and cell phones were modeled after bricks. I get my page and I start to walk away from her, she stops me and asked me where I was going. I looked her dead in the eye and said this “my mom is paging me 911, I’ve got to go” and took off with no intention of talking to her again. After a month of me not answering my phone she finally got the hint.

The Good Doctor

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Boo Hoo

Well I am late in writing this. Things have gone on over the past week. I would like to say that these things have been a downer but in reality I could give a shit. Last blog I touched on the chick I have been dating in which I referred to her as a ball buster. Well after I wrote that blog I did some thinking and the most prevalent thought in my head was why? Well the reason always comes down to sex and this chick afforded me an opportunity to have regular sex while not really giving a shit.

I go out and I find that chicks are for some reason liking me all of the sudden. I don’t know if it’s because I lie about my age or tell them that I am in the CIA. Whatever I am doing it is working. So when I go out to a bar with a friend and not even mean to meet a girl but I end up talking to one. One was even nice enough to take her top off and show the rest of the patrons. I had a lot of thinking to do after that point. Really what I am in this for?

So I took a little time off, a day or two and I had a date planned with the BB. We talked and I was asked if I was ready for the next day. I simply said this to her “eh.” She was concerned after my response. So I had to break it down for her. Why would I stay with a chick that after only a few weeks starts to get pissed at me for taking a piss after sex or one that wants me to talk to her every day. So I ended it with that, she was a little bit surprised that I was so calloused. Well I am like that I only truly care about myself, which brings me to a different question.

Why do I even want any type of girlfriend? I don’t think I am that type of person, I am way to selfish to give the constant care to another person. I mean the people that I really care about I talk to maybe twice a week and usually only once. Fuck the whole thing. If I am out there and I can get my dick wet, then fine I am good with that for a while.

Also, another problem that I have is I go from not hanging out with anyone and doing my thing and jump right into a chick that wants to occupy 90% of my free time. I do that shit all of the time and for years I always thought something was wrong with me when in truth I am just not that type pf person period. So while I thought that I could never have casual sex and I have been misguided up until this point. Casual sex is all I should be having, and really who gives a shit.

In other news I have been off for the past few weeks. I had lost a little fire and passion. My discipline has gone to shit. No more I am back, you will read many more stories of me fucking people over constantly. Perhaps a few of my random thoughts like this…

Bums, you fucking suck. When I go outside to smoke a cigarette please do not ask me for one, I don’t have one for you. When I am standing outside of work in the morning listening to music on head phones, I can’t hear you. All these fucks do is stand to my side obsessively staring at me like a puppy dog waiting for food. I don’t have any change, cigs, bananas or windows for you to wash so please keep walking. Even better when I tell someone, scratch that a bum that I do not have anything for them but they keep asking me as if annoying me further will change my mind. No it won’t. I had one ass face actually get pissed at me all I could do is look at him and tell him to go fuck himself. Public transportation should also be off limits to you as well. People like me have a job and use it to get to and from work. You beg all fucking day waiting to accumulate enough wealth to buy a buss pass that will last three hours and a coffee. Why do they need to get anywhere you ask? I am not sure but I am not going top rule out meth buys. But here is the real reason you scum ride the bus, to piss everyone else off.

Urine and diarrhea are not colognes, at least not in my part of the world. The world with a roof over my head that does not disintegrate when rain hits it. You breath smells and I do hate when you sit within five feet from me. Is there not some sort of health code that states to keep the rest of the passengers free of pink eye and homicidal tendencies bums should not ride the bus? Please can we get something on a ballot that takes that freedom away. I mean really where do they need to go and if they need to go somewhere do they need to get there at a certain time?

Ball Buster

I have been a little out of the loop the past three weeks so I apologize again for missing a week and having a very poor entry last week. I will have a much stronger showing this week, mostly because I actually went back out.

So a funny thing happened on the way to having a girlfriend. I have all but decided that I just can’t have one. I do no have the ability to put another person before myself on a continual basis. Of course for the first time in my life I am basically able to have sex with any chick I want, so why would I want to be tied to one girl? Exactly it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for me right now. Also, I am just plain no used to it. I am not used to either being able to put it in when I want or having a girlfriend. But as I eluded to last week there is a girl that I am going out with. It is going ok right now, I debated weather or not to include this story last week and I did not. But fuck it, who cares.

So almost two weeks ago I am hanging out with her before labor day weekend, she had plans to go back home for the weekend. And we had been hanging out messing around a few times a week for about two weeks, since we met. But this particular night I was finally able to inject her with my meat which was cool. More on that later. So in the build up to that point we were walking around getting some food and she starts to talk to me about my need for solitary vacations a few times a year. I basically have the need for about two to three weeks every year that I set aside for myself. During those weeks which could be just a long weekend, I do not want to talk to anybody or do anything. Sometimes I will be at home during that time, sometimes I will rent a hotel and just chill out with nothing. This is time I need for myself and I do take times like this every year. So she asks me about this and questions how often I need to do this for myself. So I explain it to her and tell her usually two weeks out of the year. She starts in telling me that she will not allow me to do that because she would not allow me to be in a situation that I am not able or willing to talk to her at least once a day. Exactly what I was thinking, we have only been hanging out for two weeks where is this coming from. Not to mention she got pissed when I told her that Com Con , I am so wrapped up in it that I end up not talking to anyone and I have a trip planned to go to Mexico City in 2009.

The story fast forwards back to her place. I had pretty much forgotten what she had said and played it off in my mind that it was just a joke gone wrong on her part. We start watching a movie and one thing leads to another and we end up on the bed, eventually without clothes. She scrambles around looking for condoms that she keeps under her bed accidentally activating her vibrator. She was very embarrassed and I was laughing at her. The big thing was after we were done, I really had to take a piss. I mean really bad. So I get up, mind you to get to her bathroom I put on only my boxers, and yes ladies who read this I do look like Brad Pitt in fight club. I get back and I find he standing almost in front of the bathroom and she had a look in her face. Well she starts to read me the riot act. I guess I am not supposed to leave her bed without telling her first, even if it’s to go take a fucking piss. I mean really what the fuck? she starts to tell me that I made her feel awkward for getting up like I had left. Listen up smarty pants, I am going to ditch you and not take my house keys, wallet, phone or clothes. I am going to walk home in just my boxers. So all I can remember is just looking at her just nodding my head saying either “I’m sorry” or Yes.”

So yes I was very happy that least weekend I was left alone and she was gone. That exchange got me to think a little bit more about me and relationships, also I basically slept all of last weekend which was nice. In the process I decided ok, I do get along with this girl, but maybe I have been wrong. Maybe because of how I am I needed to be a little bit smarter and really limit the number of times we hang out at first. Get myself used to spending time with just one person on a consistent basis. Then I got really sick and I have been basically down for a week.

Friday I start to get energized again, getting over being sick, wanting to go out again and wanting to hang out with the girl because it had been over a week. Hanging out with the girl did not happen, she had a friend come into town. No big deal to me. Saturday, I am out with my room mate and two of her friends that I know as well. There was a big Reggae festival in the park so we all go. Now first thing I don’t like Reggae, but I went just to do something different and check it out. So we are there hanging out drinking, it was a rare hot day in San Francisco so that made it uncomfortable for me. not to mention that there was a Dodger game that I was recording and I hate crowds. So talking with my room mates friend Shannon, who happens to be a big baseball fan herself that hates crowds and likes being alone more then being out, we decide to go back to my place to watch the baseball games.

We are at my place watching the games in one of my rooms, the one without a bed and we are expecting my room mate and our friend John to be back. I order some pizza for everyone to eat and I hear some noise in my kitchen so I figure that they must be back. Well it turns out that it was just my room mate but she was really pissed and was slamming shit all over the place making all kinds of noise. So I go in there and notice that she was getting ready to make something to eat and I tell her that I have a pizza coming. She gets all fucking bitchy with me and walks into her room. It dawns on me why she is pissed off but I don’t want to say anything.

So I go back into the room and tell Shannon that my room mate is really pissed off and I have no idea why, when I think I knew why she was pissed. A few minutes later John gets to my place and I tell him that Cheryl is pissed off. He confirms with me while we are all watching the game why she is pissed. Number one she is a bad drunk and gets cunty. Second, she was pissed at both Shannon and myself because she thought we were going to hook up. Now I don’t know why she is so worried or why she would even care. But I have told her many times because she has always been worried that Shannon and I would get together. To be honest, I think she is cool but I can’t really see myself going out with her in any other capacity then friends only. This is something that I have told my room mate and well if I am writing it here then it must be the truth. But she obviously doesn’t get that or doesn’t believe that because I was told that the whole way home all she did was bitch and moan about us watching a fucking baseball game together. I mean really junior high for her was over 25 years ago, get over it.

Once John confirms this story Shannon gets all pissed off and we look at each other with the same look on our face. So she gets up and talks to my room mate. After about five minutes she comes back in and says that she has calmed her down but she is still pissed off about her ex boyfriend that she broke up with six months ago. And now that she was pissed at me I will let my feelings be known. My room mate is weak minded and she cannot be alone. She has this boyfriend that she tells me she is not into physically at all but that he is nice. When I really know because she would always talk about how much money he made. She really thought of him as her meal ticket, that he would be the one to make a life for her. If you want to know why she in the time I have known her has never wanted to take agency in her life, feel free to ask her because I would like to know as well.

So after the baseball games are over John and I decide to bar hop. Now John is a good guy, but he doesn’t get it. His brother is the guitar player and founding member of No Doubt, yes the band that has a very hot female singer. To his credit he does not like to use that to pull chicks. But at the same time he has a hard time meeting girls that he doesn’t already know. I may be wrong but I would be all over telling girls who my brother is if he wasn’t a married mail delivering pot head. John, is not the best when it comes to things like that. I am now the extreme master of meeting random girls when out. It’s so easy I had no idea how simple it really is, you just say hello and ask how they are doing and go from there. To add to that I have found you really have to know yourself and put yourself in an situation or environment that you feel comfortable and confident in. for me that is just a few places. John, doesn’t get that and he wants to go to all of these places that I know right away we will not succeed at. But I want him to fail with me, so I let him pick. He wants to go into places that flat out do not fit in, girls in high heals dancing with guys wearing Rolex watches. We show up looking like hell and place after place he wants to go into is like this. We settle on a place called Noc Noc, when you go inside it reminds me of Tim Burton movies, so you know that I like it and they basically play 80’s goth music so again I did not want to leave. Problem was there were not a lot of people there, but it is a place that I would like to go to a lot more.

After Noc Noc, we go back up the street and hit up some more places, each one worse then the next. And I had to finally break it down for John so that he would understand. We end up at my place, Murio’s which is my Cheer’s. John goes there a lot as well. So we look around get some seats and I start to sit back and relax. John however has the ultimate look of desperation. He is leaning forward sitting at and awkward angle fawning over every girl that walks in. He asks me a question while he is doing that “Rob, you seem disinterested.” Soon after he says that girls start talking to me and you should have seen the look on his face, like when you first realized the your penis was not just for pissing but had a higher purpose. It’s funny because I am this guys hero, he is ten years older then I am but still I am his hero. All I do it just be myself but I am confident.

Well that’s all I have currently. Next weekend should be pretty big. In fact this week will be big. Happy birthday to my baby bro who had a bday September 3.

Because I am Late

As you can see I have gotten very lazy, partly because I have been sick and partly because I have been busy having sex. I will touch on that a little later first I want to give a shout out to one of my “readers,” Mr. Derek Castenada. Derek, thinks that I have a very boring life. Well Derek if you think having sex with three different chicks in the span of a week and a half is boring then yes I am boring. Sorry that I am not beating a chick that is 20 years older then me and a former crack runner at the docks. I have no fresh ink done on my forearm. And finally I do not have “more money then you’ll ever make.” Possibly the greatest line in the history of the world. You know come to think of it, Derek is 100% right I have a boring life. Derek, always gets into some shit, weather it’s knocking out a gangster at Mule’s, using his car to improve parked cars, giving himself diabetes and getting really drunk in general. Maybe Derek should have a blog not me.

Anyways, back to me. Nothing has been going on at all whatsoever. About the only think I can say is I have been going out with a chick for a couple weeks now. Basically since the last blog that I wrote. She is pretty cool, met her though match, which before I went out with her I decided she would be the last person that I meet from that. Turns out that she is pretty cool. But all that goes up must come down.

The down is this, my brother and friend Josh were talking about this whole thing. It appears that I might have gone above what I can realistically get. So naturally they had a conversation entitled ‘How will Rob fuck it up?’ Why is she out of my reach? I don’t know possibly because she is stable, is a lawyer and for some reason she likes me. So yeah looking at those things I can’t believe it either. Is what I want is the list that they came up with, as soon as I have that it will be posted.

Currently I am watching the Republican National Convention. Awesome stuff. I love how we have come to a point of slinging mud and making fun of the other person. Now it’s partyism, a word I just made up but i think describes what I see happening. Our Country is splitting in two. It has been doing this for a few years now in my opinion. We have a very polarizing figure that heads our Country and either you are happy to have or embarrassed by his sight. Now that he will be gone the gloves are off and each side is boasting how they know what we want. Do you? Do you know what I want? Further more all I end up hearing for either side is what I feel is a lot of hot air. Just tonight I have been hearing about what life will be like under McCain in 2013. Well I am currently living in 2008 and I want to know what you will do for right now. Who is to say that his old ass even lives to 2013? An argument that can be made for any candidate.

Here is my problem, in general terms. Our two party system really limits our choices. I have had debates with people that will not vote for either big party, usually is what that does is it takes the votes away from the Democrat side. Usually that is the side that people who vote for the green party or any of those other off parties will accept as opposed to a Republican. So we weaken ourselves and wonder why shit gets bad. Then you have the two big parties fighting in a sandbox trying to take over the school yard. They never seem to have something of substance to say either. They always use vague as fuck terms to describe what they will do. “I have a plan to rebuild our economy” well dick head feel free to clue me in on what your plan is. I am sorry if I am asking for more then you just telling me you have a plan, I need some substance I am not going to vote just to vote. If I don’t hear anything that I like I will keep my vote to myself and protest our system in that way.