On Blast

Just a quick update on the past six plus months since I have updated the blog. Nothing of significance at all. Now I know you might be thinking yourself that I must have some crazy update or story. The truth is I really don’t, aside from Comic Con, which was so long ago it seems that I really don’t want to go over that right now. Other then that I have not really been going out or doing anything worthwhile. I have opted to waste my days and nights playing video games and having little or no contact with any one. By doing so I have gotten really bored and frustrated, luckily I have spent the past few weeks really thinking about this and decided that I need to balance out work and personal and not just work, come home, do whatever then go to sleep. After all the world is a better place when I get to put it in its place.

Now to a filthy nasty disease I have been coming across lately, people this time I am going after dudes because I am just get really sad when I see dudes that act like little bitches. The person I am putting on blast this week is a person I work with, his name is Byron and he is by far and away the biggest moron I have ever come across. He is the person that took over my position as manager of the store and he doesn’t know what he is doing. Instead of learning it he will just ask me because he knows I can’t stand to see failure.

So why I am putting this poor sorry motherfucker on blast? Easy, this goes along with my topic of guys tucking their penises inward creating a pseudo vagina. Let me give a little back story on this guy. He is from a Northern California mountain town by the name of Arnold. The type of place that is just far enough out of the way the idea of cable television is new to them. He was hired about six months after I was and had been the assistant in Sacramento where he sat around and did nothing and after being left high and dry by the original guy that took over for me it was my job to find a replacement. He was the first person I called because he had been with us for a while and worked at a fairly large branch, had been trying to transfer out so I figured that he would be ready. I remember the call to this day, he told me that he doesn’t want to move to SF and that he would not get paid enough for it. to which I said I live in the middle of the city and I do just fine. Then in so many words he told me that the Branch was too small and in a way beneath him. I automatically took him off the list and told my boss that he didn’t want to come. Two weeks later he was there because he given an ultimatum to take the job or look for another. Lucky me.

The first month or so he was staying at his ‘girlfriends’ house about an hour outside of town and would commute in. During this time he knocked her up and was very worried about the whole thing because he didn’t want to have any kids at the time and really wasn’t into this girl. All lies. After what he tells me a false alarm he found a place to live and then really didn’t talk to this girl but once, maybe twice a month only. He then tried to be Mr. SF and wanted to hang out with me to which I looked him dead in the eye and told him “no.” there was one time he called me and I thought it was work related so I picked up and he ended up being in front of my house and I took him to a bar with me where everyone thought he was a weird motherfucker and ignored him. For me it was really great because I am sick in this way, I really loved watching people walk away from him then talk to me and see him try to chime in. Oh man the looks on these people’s faces were awesome, they just straight up gave him the dirtiest looks. So I was satisfied in seeing other people treat him like shit. Then another time he just showed up to the bar because he thought I would be there. I had to take him outside and tell him that he was not welcome at the bar if I am there and he needs to leave and I went back inside to get my drink on.

So in these few social meetings with him I asked him a few questions about this bitch he was fucking. According to him she was a college fling that he kept around for the pussy. I would get a little bit deeper and ask him if he was fucking any bitches now. Oh yeah I failed to mention aside from being the world’s dumbest person he is close to also being the ugliest. His mouth is always open like he is ready to suck a cock or something. I will have to sneak a picture of him one of these days just to terrify my female readers and reconfirm with my male audience why they are not gay. He had not found any bitches to fuck which really doesn’t surprise me at all. I would also get into what type of girls he was into, because as you all know I will fuck almost any non Asian or black chick. I remember asking him because there is always this fat chick that will fuck any dude she sees and I told him to pull that and he tells me that he is not into fat girls. Again, lies.

Fast forward to July, I am getting my crew ready to go on a massive fuck spree at the Comic Con. I am in a really good mood because this is the one steady vacation that I take every year and I get to nerd out and be better than everyone. Before my vacation we have a meeting and I am doing my thing then during a break a bunch of guys pull me aside and me what is wrong with Byron. To which I said nothing he is probably nervous and they were really telling me that something is wrong with the guy and I had to tell them all that I don’t know because I don’t hang out with him more importantly I don’t care about him other then the eight hours of work he tried to do. So I could care less if his mom died or he got raped, I really do not give a shit. Then my boss pulls me aside and asks me to find out what is wrong with him so I see him outside and I ask him.

He is standing in the dark by himself and I can see that he was all fucked up from something. I walk up to him and tell him that everyone but me is worried about him and if there is something going on. he goes into his pocket and takes out an engagement ring. I look him dead in the eye and tell him that I thought he was not really into the girl and if he was sure he wanted to propose to her. He told me that over the weekend he already did and she said no and is fucking another dude. I do what I always do with him, I laughed in his face and he started to cry. So he spills his guts to me which I really appreciated trust me on that. Crying about how he was sure she was the one but didn’t want to commit before, but now he was sure about it. he then asks me what he should do, I told him to go home to his parents house drink a beer with the old man and forget about it because there is nothing else to do. But he keeps pressing and tells me that he wants to know why she said no. I had to remind him that she is going out with another dude and he started to cry more. I told him he has two choices, one you come back to work on Monday and you just let it go and be sad for a week. Second option would be to call her and ask her why because he really wanted closure on the situation. I advised against it but does he listen to me? No.

I split for San Diego and go to the Con, I come back all fired up and ready to go and I stop by the Branch in the morning to see what was going on with the guys. Well Byron is sitting behind the desk, door closed and crying. Instead of leaving the Branch I decide to wait because seeing this guy suffer puts me in a good mood. He tells me that he didn’t listen to my advise and went to her house after the meeting and sat in front of her place for hours until her dad came out and told him to leave before he calls the cops. Then on the Monday he sent like $100 worth of flowers to her and when I walked in that day her dad was on the phone with him telling him to forget about her, that it is over and they have filed a restraining order against him.

For three months he could not stop thinking about her. He would mope around the branch while the other people did his work for him. I would have to carry his stupid fucking ass on my back which got me to the point I was going to ask for a transfer just to get away from him. He did nothing. Remember it is not like he is smart and if he stops working he is even more useless than what he already is. So this girl fucked him up so badly that he could not even work. He hit rock bottom when he moved out of his place and moved all of his things to the branch where I am pretty sure he is living at, which he denies telling me that he is staying at hostels at night and going home on the weekends. I was witnessing a human downward spiral like I have never seen before and I must say I enjoyed it a little bit.

The worst was a few weeks ago he went to Bahamas with his parents and packed the fucking engagement ring with him. Who in their right fucking mind does that? He gets back and tells the guys at work that he was really sad because all he saw was young couples on their honeymoons and he stayed in his room and cried the whole time. Now at some point I decided that I had to be the one to teach him what is to be a man and last week I did that for him.

I had enough with this bullshit because I was really getting tired of doing his job for him so I took him up stairs and had a talk with him. Now this might sound like a contradiction to what I have been saying this whole time but I got a call from one of his friends randomly. How they got my number I have no idea all I know was this person called me to tell he that I had to talk to him because they were afraid he was going to do something to himself. I knew that I had to do something. We make the long walk to his bedroom, I mean upstairs break room with a bed, dresser, clothes and a TV and I sat his ass down. Now one reason I like this guy is because I can really punk him and I don’t have to cuss to do it. I start slow with him and ask him how he is doing.

Again he lies to me and tells me that he is doing good and he is over it. I look him dead in the eye and tell him that he needs to stop ling because the reason I am here is one I am tired of him not contributing at work and secondly one of his friends called me to tell me just how fucked up he is. He is in a total state of shock and I come clean and ask him why he is working in SF when he really doesn’t live here. His answer was basically that the people around him cover up his mistakes and that I carry him. I tell him just how sick I am of his shit and that I am strongly considering a transfer because I can’t stand working with him. I also let him know that customer hate him and the employees think that he is a joke. His only response to me was that he thought that was the case. So being that I am fucking awesome I let him have it just like I am going to let all of you have it right now.

Do not get hung up on a bitch, ever. If you are over the age of 16 and a girl breaks up with you, you have exactly one fucking week to get over it and if you are having trouble getting over it I have steps for you to take. Day one and two, listen to music in the dark. Day three think about what happened so it won’t happen again. Day four start thinking of reason you hate her. Day five watch porno and do not jack off. Days six and seven try to fuck as many girls as you can and it doesn’t matter what they look like you just need to fuck to get your man power back. Only a straight up pussy let’s a girl fuck him up for months effecting his work. Shit work should be the one place that you kick ass in times of high personal stress. As soon as you let this stuff slip into your work you are as good as done. Now do not listen to me is you are married and have actual things to loose, I have never been in that situation so I can’t give you advice.

Come to find out that when he thought the girl was knocked up she really was. He wanted her to have the baby and she was so desperate to get rid of the demon seed of Byron she stuck a hot coat hanger to pull it out. Not to mention that when he proposed to her he had not talked to her in over a month. Also, that around all of us at work he would tell us over and over again that he was not into her and she was just FWB. Lastly, you know how I said that he was not into fat chicks, well she was as fat as they come. Pretty fucking sad that the guys was holding onto that. Even more unforgivable was that he made sure all my customers knew about it. So when I told him that he brings nothing to the table I wasn’t being mean I was just stating a fact that he needed to know.

My boss then came in later that day and had almost the same conversation with him but more work related where I found out just how stupid he is. he excuse to us was that he has a learning disability citing that in college if the class took on hour to finish a test it would take him 70 minuets. Now that is insulting to my intelligence, I have a friend with a learning disability I know the fucking difference. Anyways I am done with this fucking guy and will do everything in my power to get him fired.

So back to the main topic, guys are now girls with dicks. They can no longer make decisions and cry about everything. What the fuck happened to the world? Why do girls like dudes like that? Is it because they look good in tight jeans? Please someone tell me because it is driving me fucking bananas. What ever happened to guys that can fix a toilet? What ever happened to guys that thought acting like a bitch was gay? Now it is almost acceptable. Well it fucking ends right now.

Ladies, you are no longer allowed to go out with a guy that doesn’t want to fuck you every night. You are no longer allowed to go out with a guy that doesn’t know the difference between a Phillips and flat head screw driver. You are no longer allowed to go out with a guy that spends more than $20 on a hair cut. You are no longer allowed to go out with a guy that is wearing more than $200 worth of clothing (number includes shoes) at any one time unless it is a suit or work clothes. If you see a hot guy at a bar drinking an appletini don’t even fucking bother. You are nothing more than enablers to this problem. Remember guys are not supposed to be hot like a bitch we are supposed to handle business at work, at home and in the bed

The Game

It has been a long time since I have posted, I thought that now would be a good time to get back into it. Good thing is that shit has gone down since my last post, so I will have something to talk about.


Work has been crazy for me, working so much that I am not able to have weekends or go out as much as I was. The one thing I have noticed is that I am trying to be the best rep I can be, so I have forgotten about other things I like to do in favor of working at my new position. just when I think I am able to get back I get really busy, currently I am working on three big fucking deals, so I have been at their disposal. But anyways fuck work, you don’t read this to read about work, you read to hear my fucked up stories and me talking shit. Trust me I have fucking plenty of that.


During the past two months or so I was lucky or unlucky enough to meet a girl. Of all places I meet her at the bar that I go to, Murio’s. the fucking last place you want to meet a chick as it is known for its loose women and bum kids. So I was fucking surprised that I met a chick that I actually got along with. This was in the beginning of February, just as I met her I had two friends from LA come up.


During their trip all I kept hearing was “Rob get me laid,” not only from my friend that came up from out of town but my local friends who still have not gotten it through their heads that I can’t get girls for myself or can I? my friend Cheryl that came up really propped me up, and really got me convinced that I have game. now I started to really think about that and how it all relates to my job. Being that I am in sales I really have to have some sort of personality so I decided to show off my skills that night.


Now I had met that chick the night before and stupid me thought it would work out with her. Yeah yeah fuck you I know, I should listen to my own advice from time to time. Live and learn. So I decide to tell my local friends I have a plan to pick up chicks and they want to know what it is. so simple, I tell them walk up to them and introduce yourself and ask them for their name. holy shit all they kept telling me was that it would never work in a million years. I end up getting so tired with their negative attitudes that I find two chicks that are at the bar and I ask which one of them wants to go up with me. Greg volunteers and sure enough I use my new plan and what happened? well it worked, they were just lame so I decided to cut them off. So fucking easy, the hard part is having something to talk to them about and that I don’t think anyone can help you out with.


The weekend in total was good it was nice to see my friends. I always like when some people come to visit me. sometimes I get bored with how I am in that while I think I am fairly cool person, sometimes I don’t open up and want to meet new people. After they left it ended up being a week straight with the girl I met.


Things were going great, for me I almost never meet a person that I really like that gets my stupid sense of humor so it was awesome. But the bad thing is usually when I meet chicks I don’t end up really falling for them so when that happens I loose sight of what you are supposed to do. So I will take some of the blame for the situation. But most of the blame goes to her.


I know what you are thinking, I am just being a whining little bitch. Well fuck you, I am not. So after that week or so of every day, spending every second possible with her she went and disappeared for like a week or so. And it kind of tire me up a little bit. But nothing like a drive to LA to fix that. I pretty much decided that it was not worth my efforts. I had called her a couple times and I am not going to be the annoying person that always calls. Besides, she wants to pretend that she is a grown up, well grown ups call people back. She wants to sit there and tell me how much she likes me and how she thinks of me all the time, well then she can call me back. I mean really that was where I was coming from on this whole thing. But still nothing, I became fine with it. I wrapped myself up in work and that seemed to work until she finally called me.


The message went a little something like this, sorry I have not called you back but I have been really busy and sometimes I get like this. Yeah sure what the fuck ever, honestly who the fuck do you think I am some kid missing a chromosome? No, I actually have a working brain and while I don’t let on what I am thinking or feeling, come on seriously. After all that I called her back, nothing and I get pissed at myself this time.


Another week goes by and I don’t think twice, but I some how win two free tickets to see Watchmen a week early in IMAX. I figure that all my friends would want to go. None of them could, so I try to sell my extra, no dice. I try to find a single chick at the comic convention I was at, none worth putting my hands down their pants so I call the girl. By some stroke of luck it was like she knew she was going to get something free out of the deal and answered. She ends up being my date for Watchmen, she is grabbing my cock and making out with me the entire time. After that nothing, no fucking thank you nothing.


But whatever, I went down that road it did not bother me like it did before, now I just felt like it was rude of her. So I go back to the place that it all started, Murio’s my bar. Well being that it is my bar and I had never seen that cunt their before that night who is sitting at the bar? That’s right, I can’t fucking escape this fucking bitch now. We talk for a little bit, it was really awkward for the first time. I go to smoke she decides to bum a smoke from me and in the process I look at her and I know that there is something wrong. So I call her out on it. she tries to play it off like there is nothing. But you know sometimes you can just tell when a person is not right, it could be something they say for her is was just her facial expression.


She starts the same old busy at work bullshit, which I tell her I am busy too but I still make time for little things. Then she tells me that she has been drinking a lot lately, great becoming an alcoholic that’s what I need. She goes into how she is bi-sexual and the past few weeks she has been identifying more with her lesbian side and how it makes her feel socially awkward and that is sucks for her when she is with me because nobody thinks twice. That she started hanging out with her best friend who is a lesbian and they decided to get engaged! Well by this time had enough of this bullshit, and nice Rob went away and my real side Angry Rob was there. Fuck that shit bitch.


No more holding back. I tell her that she is a fucking crazy bitch. First, you being bi is you wanting everything. Seriously pick a fucking side, I hate that shit, it is just so counter productive. When you are with a guy you want to get fucked and treated like a little girl. When you are with girls you want to act like the man. The only bi I can see you really being is bi-polar. And why try to make me feel bad that you feel awkward in public when you are with a girl, how the fuck is that anything close to my problem? Oh yeah that’s right it’s not and further more we live in San Francisco, nobody cares about anything in this fucking city at all, especially about you being gay. If anything the people that are giving you the looks are dykes from a les bar you went to the night before watching me finger you down town.


After putting her in her place she then tells me that it is just so easy for me because I am a white male. Where the fuck did that come from? Now all of the sudden she is unhappy at work and feels that she cannot do anything because she is a female minority (dyke) and has to stay there. Really seriously what the fuck. a week ago you were all about how women are just as good as men, no argument from me on that one. But now all of the sudden you are somehow a victim or circumstance? Please allow me to collect crocodile tears for you. I simply told her that if she thinks she has no choice then she is far dumber then I took her for and this whole thing was a mistake on my end.


I went out to smoke again came back in and sat far away from her. Now I get to be lucky and see her all the fucking time around my hood. Oh well what can you do. At first I was thinking of playing a game with myself called how many chicks can you fuck in a month. But after thinking about it I decided that it would not be a good idea because I have been so busy at work I would not have enough time to work on that. But fuck it let’s see what I can do. Every week I will update you with some chick I anger bang.

To the Beach and Back

A little more then a week into 2009 and I have nothing going on sexually. I have not had any luck the past few months. Oh well life goes on and I still look at almost everything that passes by me. it is so bad right now that my usual hang out spot has been dead too. This really sucks, these guys totally have my back but there is nothing going on. I am back on those stupid dating sites and still nothing. On that note I have to mention something that is bothering me about them. I am going to break it down for all you people out there right now. When you are on a dating site, first prepare to lie because nobody out there really likes who you really are. In fact here was my old profile…

“I feel like this whole thing is a bad advertisement and I am not going to sit here and try to make myself to appear to be any better or worse than what I might be. I feel that it is really up to the person reading this to decide what to think of me.

Having said that I prefer to stay at home and do activities that keep me here. I am not opposed to going out and jogging or playing soccer, usually when I do go out I go out by myself and I keep to myself. I probably suffer from extreme shyness or some sort of social disorder. I have a hard time opening up to people and my sense of humor is hard to understand.

I am looking for a person that can tolerate me and take interest in me. I do like to talk and have a good time but I tend to not have a good time when I am talking to a moron.

If you are interested wink at me and I will email you.”

Now while I feel that might not be the best way to get a girls attention, I was being honest. Now ladies out there, tell me the truth, you would most likely not respond to a guy that wrote that. My updated profile makes me sound a lot better then I really am. And for those of you that know me, probably know that I am much better in person. Also, I just have a really hard time writing about myself and giving people everything there is to know about me. I would like to think that if you are able to put everything about yourself in two paragraphs then you are not interesting or worth my time. You do have to admit on some level that is a masterpiece, which is why I kept it.

This brings me to my second point. Right before xmas I get all excited because a hot chick started a dialog with me, so I respond to her request, wait a week for her answer, respond back and I am still waiting. Seriously, fuck that shit. Why would you not do what I do if I am not interested in a person and tell them I am not interested in you? Like a person I know, she goes on these dating sites when she gets lonely and depressed. Why you might ask? Well she likes cock for starters and secondly when she has no money she knows she can fill up her week with at least four free dinners and movies. Then after each date she tells me how boring she thought the guy was. I always ask if she told him that she has no interest. The answer is always the same, well no I don’t know if I like him or not. Say what the fuck you mean please, just say you like being wanted and you like going out on dates with guys and not have to pay and you don’t want to ruin that by telling them the truth.

Not to say I am pissed, I am not. At this advanced age I know the score. I am not pressing or anything like that. In fact I almost don’t give a shit. Why you might be asking yourself? Well I will tell you why. I am working a lot during the week which takes up a lot of my time and efforts. I am pretty sure I could not give a girl that is looking for something serious the attention that they require. Because let’s be honest, when you are in a relationship, I basically go away and have to do shit for the other person and I am just not into that right now. Bottom line a girl has just a few things I need like a pussy but that won’t pay the bills.

Also, I started playing guitar again with my friend up here. We are writing surf music which is proving to be a lot of fun. No words just us acting like fools. As of right now we are calling ourselves 01 after our rating system for girls. The rating system is very easy and is based on binary code 0-I am not fucking, 1-I would, elegant in its simplicity.

I bought a long board (skateboard) and just go cruising through the park on weekends. It is very relaxing, it takes no skill at all you basically kick a few times and roll. So we ride to the end of the park which ends up at the beach and have a beer or two and ride back home. Very nice. In fact this morning I just put my head phones on and just went out. It was nice to be able to smoke and talk on the phone while I was riding.

Other then that I have just been working going out a little bit more then I would like. I find that going out is way to expensive and I would rather not spend money when I don’t need to. Sorry I am in a pissy mood, I’ll explain more at a later date.

The Girl without Shoes

Well I decided to start off the New Year right this year. Usually I will just stay at home and do nothing, but this year I decided to try something different and go out. My room mate was trying to get me to go to a club with her and some other friends but I was just not interested in it at all. No I really wanted to go to a Goth club just like in the old days of hanging out in Hollywood. But all the while I just was not sure what I really wanted to do because I am really cheap and the price tag attached to a awesome New Year’s Eve just always seemed like it was to much for me.

So all day long my room mate was still trying to get me to go with her to the club. After the millionth time of me saying no she finally got the hint. But before we go our separate ways we meet up at Greg’s house. Greg, is a 34 year old dude that lives off of his trust fund. Good guy, very childish but a good guy. I had never been to this guys house before, fucking massive, how this guy can’t get laid I have no idea. I mean really in the city you are lucky to get a room. Now I have two and basically every time I get a chick over I close the deal. This guy has a whole fucking house by himself which is unheard of. So we end up drinking just a little bit and playing foose ball, which I take way to seriously and want to win every time I play. So after about two hours of hanging out there watching Greg try to network his computer to his stereo we all decided to leave. They ask one last time if I wanted to go out with them, and for the final time of 2008 I told them no. and we go our separate ways.

Here is one thing that I have noticed about this group in general. I am not saying this is bad just that they don’t know me. You can’t make me do something that I don’t want to do. If I say no I mean it.

So I grab a bus to head downtown. Since the busses were free on New Years and running all night a lot of people were using them. But it was at the bus stop that I noticed something for the first time. New Year’s Eve, might be one of the worst nights to meet a person of the opposite sex. First off usually from what I see people go out as couples to eliminate meeting a random guy like me. Second, oh my fucking god seriously every year it is like people have never been out before. So I am stuck on a packed bus sitting directly across from six of the sluttiest chicks I have ever seen in my life. Each one of them dressed exactly the same, each one of them taking those fucking retarded pictures where they hold their own camera and make a silly face. Seriously, those fucking pictures need to fucking go, they are my definition of gay. So these hoes were totally drunk when they got on the bus, loud as fuck, but at the same time I could not stop looking up their skirts. Seeing camel toe where it was not intended is always a good thing.

I get off at my stop and I start the walk to my end destination. I am all pumped up because I was listening to Bauhuas and the Sisters of Mercy to get myself pumped up to dance. Now let me tell you, no I am not what you would call goth, those of you that know me probably have picked up on the fact that I have a very simple style. Also, years ago I tried to dip my hand into the gothic realm, I dyed my hair black and the whole deal. Basically it was the dumbest thing I ever did in my entire life and decided at that point I am cool the way I am. But I really like that type of music and I also like that people don’t dance together at those clubs. You just kind of look at the ground and do your thing. If you want to talk to a girl you do it either at the bar or in the smoking section. So for me it’s perfect, I like the music, I don’t feel any pressure to talk to girls, I really just feel like I can let it happen there as opposed to another type of place were everything is all in your face.

Now I used to go to clubs like this all of the time in LA, but it had been over a year. In fact the last time I went to a goth club was when I was living in AZ, which was a lot of fun for me. I remember the one golden rule about goth chicks, either they are really hot or really fucking ugly. So I am walking up and I see some dudes in top hats and capes running across the street and I knew I was close. I was just really excited to see what type of crowd there would be at this place. I do the typical move and just see who is out front and kind of make my judgment based on that. Holy fucking shit, wow ugliest people I had ever seen. So I really start to think if it was worth me paying $40 to dance when I could just wait until the next week and pay $10. I see a cab and I get in the thing so fast and tell him to take me right home.

I am home but I still really want to go out. See here is a thing with me, I am not all that spontaneous, I need to be prepared in my mind and I was all ready to go out that night so when I wind up back home I have the urge to go out. I think if you read my blog often you know exactly where I ended up. That’s right kids Murio’s. This was a different night people were actually inside drinking and because of this along with my relationship with the people that work there I did not have to pay for a single drink all night. So here I am thinking I am really fucking cool, but again I notice that the girls that are there bring guys with them to be safe, which is really no fun. If you are a couple just stay the fuck home and fuck, leave that night for super desperate people that just stand close to a single girl right before midnight hoping for a kiss. After I get a few free drinks I decide to go home and bring back a bottle of champagne to share with the fellas, we drink a little have a good time making fun of people then I make my way to the jute box. This was the first of two major mistakes I made that night.

Before the ball drops so I am still safe and in 2008 I walk to get some real music on and this chick grabs me and asks me what my name was. Honestly, I was not drunk enough to put it in her. But when she told me that she was going to make out with her friend that was hot I decided to open my mouth. “Yeah, that would be a great idea, your friend is so much hotter than you and I would like to see that.” They were not happy that I dissed the one girl, but really I don’t fucking care.

At about 1:30ish I decide that I need some food so I get to the pizza by the slice place. The same place that I called some dude a faggot and almost got into a fight with some drug dealers. I might have to get into that story next time I decide to write something. I just end up getting in these bad habits that I should be writing once a week and that turns into once every two weeks and I just forget what happened. in fact a lot of times after I write something I just forget it. Here is a little secret, I don’t put to much thought into writing this, I just sit in front of my computer and let it all out. I don’t stop writing until I am done so if it ends up being seven pages I am sitting here for two hours writing. But anyways I am back at the pizza place and you know when you are a pathetic desperate loser like I am you see hot chicks from a distance and start to think to yourself “man, if she just stood next to me she would find out how cool I am?” but ultimately it never ends up that way, usually they just walk right by you and pay no attention to you at all. Well this was that night, finally after 29 fucking years on this planet I thought something and it happened.

So this chick, her friend and her friends boyfriend are right behind me. we get to talk a little bit and I am like wow, finally my female counterpart. We both hate everything, we treat people like shit and we both think the world revolves around us. Fucking awesome I was digging her so I told her I would buy her some pizza. She was really surprised and after that I was going to go home and eat but they asked if I wanted to hang out with them and eat. By this time I was really fucked up and was not making the best decisions but I made the right one and I sat with them. So I am talking with this chick, her name is Holly we are getting along, she is from LA so we had some stuff in common which was cool. Bottom line we got along really well but like everything the night has to end, they were tired and had to get back home. I had not gotten her phone number. I remember in my mind thinking that while they are waiting for a cab I will talk to her a little bit more and get it then. See I am all fucking stupid when it comes to this, I won’t ask for a phone number if I am around people’s friends it always reminded me of stupid junior high shit and giggles. So I figure shit, it will probably be a good five minutes before they are able to get a cab and I will have my chance.

This is where me being a total planner backfires all the time because I could not adjust to this. We walk outside and I noticed that she was not wearing shoes and I was fascinated by that then they find a cab in seconds. Oh shit now what do I do? So the friend gives me a hug gets into the cab. Holly, gives me a hug and tells me that she wants to see me again. I am thinking great this is cool, get her fucking phone number. But my neurotic override system was telling me it was too late two of the three were in the cab and were ready to go. So after she tells me that she wants to see me again I just look at her and say “probably not” and walk away. But not before I saw the look on her face like oh my god, what was that.

To recap, it was not because I did not want to see her again. But instead my stupid mind told me that she was getting in a cab, it was too late to get her number, we live in a big city and the odds of me ever seeing her again were as close to zero as it could possibly be. So when I said “probably not” I was playing the odds of the situation. But I realize that she took it that I thought she was stupid and not worth my time. Way to fucking go Rob, may all my decisions in 2009 be just as bad.

The Leopard has left the building

O.K. all you dick heads and pussy lips, before you get on my ass I am just going to say these two things. First, my building was built in the late 1800’s. Second, I pay low rent for the city and with those two things combined I should not complain, but that would not be me. Being that the building I live in is so old there is not heat, there used to be a fire place that worked but I guess there was some issues a while back and we are no longer able to use it. This is the time of the year that it gets cold, so cold that I am watching TV last night and I could see my breath. I am now sleeping in three shirts and a jacket and I constantly look like I have been swimming in cold water. But today after a long day of work it finally dawned on me just how cold it is in here. So I am home and all day I thought about this big bowl of chili I wanted to eat, I leave at my normal time and I get lucky and find parking right in front of my house. I quickly run inside to start my cooking. I grab my can of chili, open it up and I find that it had been frozen! I ended up forcing it out using a spoon and to no surprise, the chili was dry. But enough about my sob stories.

This blog is all about nightmare girls out there and why you get no respect from us. I know what you are saying out there, the one person that does not get this. No I don’t mean ALL girls, but rather this is what we think of girls in general. They are greedy, cunty, selfish and needy. Case in point, Saturday night while out with my buddy John we come across a gem of a female.

We are at a kick ass punk show, I had not been to one since I went to the glass house every weekend so for me it was a nice change of pace. The band that we went to see are neighbors of John. It was good times, a lot of hot chicks with nose rings so I was happy. But we decided to leave because we took the MUNI to the show and did not want to pay for a cab to go back home and were worried about how late it ran. So we leave around midnight to go back to our hood. Basically every time we end up in my part of town we go to one place, Murio’s the best worst place in the city. A place you can see people doing blow off the bar, a crack whore in a skirt free lippin and four people terrified that they are there. One thing is constant there, you have to be able to give shit and take shit, which is why I like it.

We get in there and right away we see a chick sitting at the point. We identified her as the hottest chick in the bar and sat next to her. Well she was the hottest chick until she opened her mouth. My god what a self important bitch she is. the bar tender usually always gives people a lot of shit, that is just his thing. I guess before we got there he was making fun of her, oh no the world is going to end. So how did she react to this? She sat there looking at him complaining that the bar was no good and he was a jerk. She then starts to talk to me.

One of the first things out of her mouth was that she worked for a Bay Area sports station and is the only one in her department, because of that she is high priority. Really, wow I guess everyone in the world needs to lick your pussy. So she was mad that nobody there knew this about her. Well the reason that we do not know this about you is number one we don’t give a fuck who you are or what you do. And well that’s pretty much why, we don’t care. Are you on TV? No, you’re not and even if your were oh please let me work out my middle and index fingers and practice my clit massaging technique.

Then to try and make this broad happy the door man sits next to her and tries to talk to her. She is telling him how this was the worst place in the city, which she is dead wrong. Well, I guess it could be if you have no sense of humor and are self important which you clearly are. She starts in about how this other bar is so much better. I just look at her because the door man is getting nowhere with her and I just ask her, if she likes the other bar so much more why is she not there? I mean really this chick had been sitting there for over an hour before I got there with a warm beer just hard staring trying to get people on her side. Then she starts to go on about her fiancé, who for some odd reason was not there that night. I was getting really pissed off and I had to go outside for a smoke.

As I am out there the bar tender Nick comes out and we both look at each other and he was going to throw her out. I ask him to give me five more minutes so I can fuck with her a little bit. A request he was more then willing to accommodate for me. we finish our cigs and back in we go. By now she has moved next to John and she is talking her ear off. Then the conversation goes on about baseball. She knows nothing and pretends she does. Now I am being a little bit mean by just saying it is girls that do this, there are plenty of guys that pretend to know more than what they know about anything. Really we know people like that, I probably strike people as a know it all. But each and every time we meet a person like that we automatically get very angry. She goes on about how Japanese people do not know anything about baseball and they just wear the hats. Well now you are sounding more ill informed then ever. As a matter of fact they love the sport, they stay up all night to watch their national heros play in the MLB. Their game is different then ours but to say a group of people does not like a sport, really kind of pissed me off. It could be that my Grandpa lives there and tells me how much the Japs love the game, I don’t know what it was but I was pissed.

Nick makes his way over towards us and now I did not feel at all bad to laying into this fucking bitch. She has braces so I start to ask her the obvious questions, if you do in fact have a boy friend, which I seriously doubt because I do know some dudes that are tools but I have never met one that is a tool box which is what you clearly need. But I asked her if she ever got public hairs stuck in her braces. Her face turning red because everyone is now laughing at her. She looks at me and asks me if I ever get pubs stuck in my braces. Ok bitch my teeth are not straight but I don’t were braces, and yes sometimes because I like a chick that leaves some grass on the field I get some in my mouth.

Then I ask her were her boyfriend is. Oh well he is at a hockey game that I got him tickets for. I look at the time, 1:30. You fucking tell me what hockey game ends that late, exactly none ever except maybe a playoff game on east coast time. So I start to question her a little bit more. I don’t think she has a boyfriend and just through seeing and hearing her this dude if he really is out there must be the biggest tool box on the face of the planet. I then asked her if the reason she was such a bitch and at bars by herself was because her boyfriend could not take care of his business. I mean by know half the bar is just listening to this. They are all loving how awkward I am making her feel. After we made her feel like a clown the bar tender comes over grabs her warm beer and throws three dollar bills right in face and tells her to leave.

Now I tell you all this because for the most part guys think that all girls are just like that. They all wear leopard skin printed jackets like this chick did. Ladies if you wear leopard skin anything guys think like this; easy, scank, can fuck tonight, STD possible, if I bang she will stalk me, psycho whore, abort mission now and go for the cubby chick in the corner. But really think about it ladies, for the most part you come off to selfish, do you really think guys want to devote all of their time and energy to you? No not really, we usually have hobbies and friends outside of you. Please give us time to do those things. Trust me if you do, the time that we do spend with you will be even better. Who knows we might even go down on you even if we are tired.

A wedding, a funeral and a dumb ass part 2

One thing that I really came to realize during Josh’s wedding is that we are world class complainers. We complain about anything and everything. We get to the church early for our picture session. We complain that it is to hot and that we have to be dressed up for the pictures. It didn’t help that LA was on fire that weekend and made it even worse. We have this chick taking pictures and instructing us to do the dumbest shit you could think of. Things like ok guys look surprised that Josh is getting married. Now guys act disappointed that he is getting married. Now guys line up next to the fish and make a funny face. Ok now guys let’s take a picture behind this tree, Josh you will stand in front and the groomsmen will stand behind the tree, but groomsman don’t get covered up by the tree.

So this photo session seemed to go on for five days. We did complain the entire time. So then the bridal party comes out, now this would have been fine but it was not just the bridal party and parents. No I guess the way her family rolls is all together at all times. If I had a number counter I would bet that about 90% of the people that she invited were there for the picture sessions. Is what this did was create confusion and made this shit go on even longer. Now I know I will probably be hated for saying this but who fucking cares. To her family, cousins and shit like that, grow the fuck up please, all they seem to do well is act like fools. So the rest of the time that the people that they paid to take pictures were trying to finish this all up, they get out their personal cameras and take their own wedding photos. Seriously come on. the best part of this was that Josh, Mike, Marky, Derek and myself were basically just sitting off in the corner watching this with nothing to do.

After the pictures were done we start to assemble inside for show time. Now I can be a little bit crazy in the head and it usually circulates around not being in control of a situation and having to take a shit. It is one of my worst fears in life, to take a shit on a plane or train. Now my absolute worst fear would be needing to take a shit or piss while I am standing next to Josh. So to combat this I did something that day that I probably will never do again. I did not eat at all and had very little to drink. I figured that if I did not eat then there would be no possible way I would have to take a shit. Little did I know the power of my own mind?

To recap what went on that day up until 5:30 when we finally started walking down the aisle, I had a funeral to go to in the morning, had to go back to my mom’s house and get dressed, drive to downtown LA and be there more than two hours before the wedding started at which time we took our wedding pictures. A lot of driving and thinking that day. After the pictures are done we go inside to start lining up but we end up waiting. Waiting might be the worst thing for a person with my condition. I remember I sat on the toilet for 15 minutes just in case I had to go, I knew I did not have to but just in case. Then I started to think that since I tried to take a shit I would probably have to take one during the ceremony. We are all sitting there at the back of the church, everyone was talking to each other, not me I thought about only one thing, what if I have to take a shit. I mean seriously what the fuck is wrong with me, I go through the pain of not eating all day long only to convince myself that I will have to take a shit during the ceremony embarrassing everyone involved.

T minus 10 minutes before the wedding is going to start and I am a sweating mess in the back not talking to anyone. I remember just talking to myself saying that I did not have to shit. Then I can’t take it and I run what seemed to be a half a mile to the nearest bathroom to again try and take a shit. Everyone was nervous that I was not going to make it, so for moral support my brother comes with me. His idea of moral support was to call me a fucking pussy and to hurry up because I am going to fuck up the whole thing. He was right, so even thought I did not take a shit I still wiped my ass and washed my hands, and then we made a mad dash for the wedding party. Now I can’t go anywhere, it is show time. So I talk to myself some more in the back pumping myself up.

For an anticlimactic ending to this story, as soon as I started down the aisle all of the shit thoughts were gone. I was there for my friend. I must say, one of the coolest things I have ever seen in my life happened that day. Very simply when Delia came down the aisle to meet Josh, in some odd way it was one of the proudest moments in my life. It was just so awesome to see this finally happening and I was a part of it.

No more sap the rest of the way. Now that the ceremony was all done I sign off on the witness papers for them and make a mad dash to the waiting areas to eat and drink something. I was in there for about 30 seconds when they tell me there are more pictures. Now I am looking outside and it is pitch black. Now I was getting really pissed, I really needed to eat something. So I go outside and I am in a bad mood, Delia is in a bad mood because she just wants all of this stuff to be over like the rest of us. The problem was that we were all burned out from the whole day. I take the guys to the side I tell them let’s just do this, these pictures are not for us they are for Josh, let’s just suck it up for five more minutes. My inspirational words worked and we able to get the final pictures done. Now I make a mad dash back to finally eat something.

By the time I am back in the reception room a Mariachi bands shows up and they start to play. So with all this yelpy shit music in the background I try to find something to eat. nothing, my anger level is rising rapidly. I ask where the food is, they have people bringing the food around the room. When I finally find some food I get a tap on my shoulder from Delia’s dad. Now this guy speaks almost no English at all but we were able to communicate. He basically instructed me to bring five shots of tequila back to him. So I go with my brother and Donovan to the bar and we get our shots. I am assuming one for me, him, uncle Nacho and their two friends. We get back with the shots the two friends are gone and I drink with him and uncle Nacho, my brother still holding two shots Delia’s dad tell me I have to drink them, so I do. Being that tequila was the first thing to hit my stomach all day it started to burn and I rapidly forgot where I was.

Like a perfect storm they open up the doors where we will be eating and all that good stuff. My words are slurry and I am really pissed because I was unable to find food to eat. My brother and I sit down at our table with our mom and a few people we did not know. Then it started to hit me that I would have to give a speech and I had not really thought about it other then I had a few topics I wanted to cover and I wanted to make it short. I remember my mom told me something about me not giving the speech or something like that, I can’t really remember I just remember getting really mad at my mom and pissing her off. A situation I regret and have apologized for. Then again I was told to leave the room because they have to announce the bridal party. Ok I am going to say this now and I should have said it before. Mother fucker, this was not josh or Delia’s fault, whoever was in charge of making sure that we know what was going really sucked. Plans constantly changed, I remembered asking if we were done with pictures, yes we were, then we have to go outside. Just a bunch unorganized wedding planers that probably should not be hired again, just my opinion.

We make our way outside so they can announce everyone. I remember asking josh because I was really unaware of what was going on at that point, the tequila had made its way through my system to its fullest, when I was going to have to give the speech and what was going on with that. He told me not to worry that they would let me know what was going on before I had to do it. Which I thought was good because then I could collect my thoughts for the three minutes that I needed my head to be clear. So as they announce the people you could really tell who was with who. All of Delia’s family members were doing fucking back flippers into supermen and break dancing to their chairs. Where as we just walked in looking at our seats. I remember when they called my name I gave a half assed wave and looked at the ground. Then I sit down and then I get up again because I hear that I am supposed to give a speech now. What the fuck!

I am totally taken off guard by this, something I had. See I am a planner, I plan shit five months in advance if I could, shit that just comes up really fucks me up. On my way up there I try to quickly figure out what I am going to say but I was nothing but drunk at that point. I do remember not really being able to feel my legs thinking that was some good tequila to fuck me up that bad. So there I am with Delia’s sister standing in the middle of the dance floor with a mic in my hand. No prepping, I did not know if I was supposed to lead people in a toast or what. I really had no ideas what I was supposed to do. I remembered looking at Sandra telling her to go first because I thought I was supposed to go last. Now I had been stressing over this speech for a few months I tried to write something down but everything I wrote sounded very gay which is why I decided to just think of topics I wanted to talk about and adlib the rest. Well that would have worked if I knew where I was. So I talk for about 45 seconds about how Josh is my best friend and I think of him as a brother and how cool it was to be a part of the whole thing. The end, I mean I really don’t remember what the fuck I said. I do remember feeling like I let Josh down and I was not buying their sympathy thanks for doing a good job on it. Sandra’s went on for about ten minutes.

After that I have food finally waiting for me, my mom was so pissed that she ate and took off. Then the music starts. Now I was really looking forward to dancing, in fact I spent about three weeks coming up with a play list at the DJ’s request. Let me just say that there was three tables with whit people in this place, the other 30 table were Mexican. I don’t have a problem with that at all. I do have a problem with the DJ playing nothing but Salsa Techno the whole time. Dude seriously we sat there for about two before ‘Play the funky music white boy’ was played. And let me tell you this, no matter how racist it was we really wanted to dance badly. So finally there is a song that we know and we start dancing because our music block would only last about 20 minutes. Totally lame, I suggested that they not pay the DJ, to basically ignore the grooms request and the fact that there are a lot of people there that did not have a fucking clue who Mana was are in my mind grounds for not paying. Would it have killed him to play some Depeche Mode? I mean I have been to their concerts nothing but brown people there, fucker.

For me it is easy to complain because I can. But for Josh and Delia who are probably fornicating right now in Argentina, they put a lot of work into the whole thing. It was a really cool night and I am very glad to have been a part of the whole thing. I just know that seeing what they went through to get all this done and the money that they spent, it was enough for a selfish Jew like me to decide to never ever get married. Aside from all of that I had a pretty relaxing four day weekend got to see my brother, nephew, mom, sister in law and other family members. But then I started to realize that I had to go back to work.

This starts the third part of my blog title. I love that I can take some time off of work knowing that when I get back something or someone fucked up so bad that I would have to spend a week fixing it. This time turned out to be no different but it was far worse then anything I had ever come across before.

Knowing what I know I feared going into work when I got back last week. I just didn’t know what I would find. I get into work and it all looks good, I was really happy my guys in the Branch got the job done. So I figured that it was all good, then the emails started to happen.

An email chain was started by everyone’s favorite sales rep Pat Packer, and yes that is his name and he can go fuck himself. This fucking shit face put in a new system for a new customer late October, when this was going on it had been a total of four weeks since we gained their business. So this guy is crying up the ladder to get some technical help at this shop. This started conversations between him and myself, I simply asked what was going on at the shop and if he could be more clear on what and why he needs the help. He just told me that the email explained itself, well mother fucker if I am asking you what the fuck you meant you did a poor job of writing it. I am sorry to tell you, you are not as smart as you think. So he is on the phone bitching like a chick that just lost her virginity to a dude that came inside of her knocked her up and never called her back. He told me that he could tech the shop himself but since it was not in his job description he would not do it.

Ok first, don’t start with me on job descriptions, since I basically have to do all three major jobs that we employee at a professional level. So don’t bring that weak shit here bro. Secondly, yeah there are things about the job that we don’t want to do suck it up and be a fucking man. The conversation ended with him again saying that he wanted a tech there and he would not do anything to support the customer. Then I get the email response from my boss, basically calling this guy out in front of everybody. I laughed and I laughed at it. in fact my boss called me up and asked if was being to harsh, I told him that if I laugh at something I think it’s really mean and I had tears in my eyes reading his email. He laughed too, he hates Pat Packer resident of Brentwood CA, not the expensive so cal version, the trailer park version in northern CA. But it was decided by my boss to get tech support there if we tried to see what was really going on.

The next day like the sly fox that I am, I give Pat a call asking him what our resolution was going to be on this issue. Now let me go back in time a few months ago. I worked my ass off and I was able to get us a new customer, I negotiated the contract with them and they are a large volume shop. Now for whatever reason I got a call from high up the corporate ladder telling me to put this account in Pat’s name. I did resist doing this because it would hurt my Branch financially and would also hurt my bonus at the end of the year. But sometimes when a person is as high up as this person is you just have to do what they say, so I did it. I come to find out a month later that Pat pulled a $1000 install fee for that shop, also he gets a 10% commission on the account. Doing the math I basically put $1500 a month in this guy’s pocket, who says that if you put the hard work in you reap the rewards? For a second I thought I was living in a Karl Marx utopian world, my bad.

So I start the conversation what are we going to do. And he starts to tell me that there is nothing we can do. They don’t want to see us there without a tech, they don’t want their contract check nothing. He tells me that we are done there. Now I am a little worried by this point in time. What I am thinking is we just installed a new customer one month ago and they want us out. Not only would that be a big blow to our ego it would also hurt us in what we/I have been trying to accomplish since taking this place over. So I start to press him with some questions. First one have you tried to help them before it got to this point, his answer was yes he had been working on this for over a week. My follow up to that was how many days has he been in the shop? This is when he snapped at me and I quote “fuck you don’t interrogate me, I don’t need to justify myself to you. No I have not been in the shop for that week.” Ah ok, now the gloves are off pal, don’t you think pal is the biggest slight you can give someone? Anyways, I tell him not to cuss at me and I was only wanting to know how a situation can get so bad so fast. I told him that he keeps crying over a tech issue when it is not a tech issue, that I was going to be a man and go into the shop and try to figure it out because he was to lazy to. I made sure that he knew I felt that he dropped the ball in that account. His response to me was “you’re right, I dropped the ball and I am not willing to pick it up,” then he hung up the phone on me.

I was so mad I was shaking. Here this guy is four kids and a wife that does not work, and he is bailing out on his job. He is the type of person that will always blame another person for something. He does not have the ability to take accountability for any of his actions. He is basically a useless human being. His family is a wreck, they had to ship one kid to Utah because he was such a major fuck up and he could not afford to feed another person. While another one of his kids just got expelled from another school. I say you can tell a lot by a person by how his family is, and yes I know that there a few bad apples I am not talking about that. I am talking about Pat being a total failure both professionally and personally. His dad who also works for our company won’t talk to him, his family is falling apart. I would like to say I feel sorry for the guy, but honestly I don’t how can I and why should I?

After that conversation I had no choice but to rat his bitch ass out and head out to that shop. Pat was right they did not want to see anybody but a tech, but I insisted and I all but forced myself back into that shop. They did not think I could do anything but I was able to get us started in the right direction again with those guys. I painted I did whatever I had to do. Turns out Pat had not been into the shop in over three weeks, he was also not returning their phone calls. Before I left they told me that they want nothing to do with that guy, I told them it was my pleasure to inform him of that. I get back to the office and write a nice long email and send it to everyone.

Fast forward to Monday, turns out he decided to miss a flight to LA to meet up with his boss, opting to call him to tell him that he was not going to make it. Then he put his two week notice in on Monday. I am sorry to say this but he will not be missed at all, in fact the reason he had to go to LA was so that he could be harshly reprimanded by the company and most likely fired. Also, turns out that he had to send his wife to work and he was crying about it. Dude seriously, what is wrong with needing your wife to work? I thought you guys would do anything for each other, except work? He was upset by this and a few months ago asked for a raise. A raise? Dude you have to bring in new accounts, you get paid salary plus commission plus an install bonus for every account that you bring in. If you would have done your job you would have made a killing. All this coming from a guy that at the meeting introducing himself told everyone that he was going to install a minimum of 20 new accounts before the end of the year. It was like Babe Ruth calling his shot, but he hit his and you are not Babe Ruth.

This is even better news for me because guess who is in line for that job? That’s right, I am. I am the guy that everyone wants to take that position and I will be honest I really want it. I really want to have all the benefits of being a sales rep, bonus plan, company car, free gas, free phone, expense account etc. Honestly I don’t know why this guy was complaining about anything, he had it all right there in the palm of his hand. I did the work for him and he got paid from it. He was probably pissed that I was not able to get him more business. After all that goes down with this guy the real bomb hits right before we are all about to leave for to celebrate Thanksgiving.

We found out that Pat was also working for a direct competitor for the entire month of November. So this guy was pulling two pay checks, selling for another company using our company car and all of our goodies. But being that my company is spineless they do nothing. They leave his phone on and let him use the car. If that does not tell you everything you need to know about this guy and his integrities then nothing will. As of Friday he was supposed to turn in all of his stuff but decided that it was not convenient for him to do so. What a total piece of shit. I hope that one day I see a car on fire and you are outside watching your family burning inside and I am the only one that can help. Do you want to know what I am going to do for you? Nothing.