Back in the Saddle

Welcome back all of you, or should I say welcome back to me. I know I have been bad about updating my blog, but hey fuck you I have had better things to do with my time. One of which was think about how I can make the blog better. So currently I am working on my YouTube channel, adding more pictures and links to the site on a week to week basis. Also, please don’t hold me to one a week, if I have nothing to say I won’t say it, I hate mother fuckers that just talk to talk. I think the reason people like the blog is because I say shit. I don’t want to give a watered down version of just crap, I want to give you all something you can enjoy. Also, wouldn’t it be better since my blogs are long to enjoy what you are reading instead of just powering through garbage?

Let us go down memory lane share we, I started this blog so people I don’t talk to all the time can get updates on what I am up to. It as good for a while because when I moved to SF I wasn’t able to see or talk to everyone I know all the time, now that is still the case. Lately, well for the past year, when I started being a sales rep instead of the Branch manager I found that my free time was cut down a lot. I also found that after I got home I just didn’t feel like talking to anyone so I didn’t go out for a long time. Shit probably for 8 months total last year I didn’t even go outside, opting to try to pick up girls via the internet, that didn’t work and to play video games. There was even a three month time period that I didn’t go to my beloved Murio’s. So in all honesty did you really want to read about the newest black on white porn I was watching? Perhaps the newest video game conquest? Exactly my point, it was pointless for me to write anything at that time.

So let me give you as brief update, well as brief as I can be. I will start with new years eve. The night started out at our friend Greg’s house. It was nice and mellow, just friends hanging out before we all went and did our own thing. After that I went with John, Greg and my room mate Cheryl to Murio’s. It was a pretty quiet night until Cheryl thought she heard the bar tender nick call her a whore and threw her boot at him. If that wasn’t bad enough she walked behind the bar to try to beat him up. I was asked to escort her out, the best part was when I was leaving I asked the people that were there if they heard anything and they all told me she was crazy and that Nick said nothing like that. The next day was just as interesting as she denied any wrong doing, now being that I live with her I took the highest of the high roads and just agreed with her and asked her if she wanted to get some food. I found this to be a sign pointing in the right direction until the other piece of shit I like with Casey, or as we now call him Gasey invited himself to go. OK, now really who invites themselves to something, or am I the only one that sees a problem with that? Dude seriously there is a reason we don’t invite you to anything we do and it is because we fucking hate you. There is a reason that when you try to strike up a conversation with me I give you the most deadpan looks and say nothing to you and walk away. If you woke up dead tomorrow I would not care, in fact I would probably treat you like a dead pet and put you in a black trash bag and throw you away.

So now that he invited himself to go with us, I quickly called john because there was no way I could do it with just the three of us. John being a good friend comes along, Gasey did invite one of his other friends to go with us. So there we were a total of five of us, Gasey trying to get details of our night which was nothing more than us drinking at two different locations bullshitting with each other. Now since I was stressed out over the boot throwing incident after I closed the bar down I went home and I lay down on my bed, lights on and fully clothed. This is where Gasey earned his name sake, he tells all of us that he saw light in my room and came into my bed room and watched me sleep. To make matter worse he came back in to check on me. Check on me, why? I am fucking sleeping what do you need to check on? Oh yeah that’s right you probably wanted to check to see if I was into you, no. So he is telling us that he was watching me sleep, I stopped eating and my mouth dropped wide open, then he tells me that he was thinking of waking me up. I have my knife in my hand point it at him in front of his friend, a girl by the way that he claims to be into which is just a front because he is to embarrassed to come out and say he is gay which we would not have a problem with at all. I look at him and he has the fucking dumbest smile on his face and I tell him it was a good thing he didn’t wake me up. He asked me why and I simply said very seriously, because I probably would have killed you.

Let us now go into work, I am sure you all know that I hated the Manager I worked with. Only because he was just so dumb he made me look bad. Not only that I was depressed that I worked with a person that stupid. For a while I started to question why I worked with this company because he was so stupid I started feeling bad about myself. To boot, I looked over my numbers for 2009 which is important because my company gives out special awards when you attain a certain level of success. This year is a trip to the Bahamas, all expenses paid for, me plus one adult. One of the conditions of this was I had to beat my budget by 15% which I did easily I ended up doing it by close to 40%. But the other more important condition was that I had to sell at least 600k worth of stuff for the year. I ended the year with 599, 750. Leave it to me to not accept that and I started looking at my numbers very closely and I found out why. Because Byron was dumber then I could ever imagine, he failed to put four customers under my name like he was supposed to also he failed to collect on a COD customer for the entire month of December.

Knowing this, I gave a call to my boss who wanted this guy gone to, gave him what went down and he made the call to LP. After some interviews with me and him, where he tried to blame everything on me LP recommended to my boss that we not get rid of him. My boss who wanted to get rid of him convinced this guy to resign and there you go, he did. Because of the situation I ended up getting the trip, however I now do believe in karma for a few reasons. One being that the part timer broke his ankle and can’t come back to work for over a month, which means I spend three days sitting at the office bored out of my skull. The other is because during December and January I was dating a chick and she did something that I can’t fucking stand.

So I told you that I was again trying to pick up girls via the internet, and getting nowhere. Just as I was about to just say fuck it doesn’t work. Mostly because I can’t make myself sound good like other people can so when you read my profile it sounds so fucking dry and lifeless, just like me. But this girl Tia, I started talking to in October and I wasn’t sure if we would get along or what would happen so I do something I never do. I decided to not even force the issue and we would talk here and there and as the weeks went by we talked more and more until I thought we were both sure we would like each other. So we start dating, fucking cool chick, I got along with her really well I found her sexy, all that good stuff. Shit was going well at least I thought. This was until the day she flaked out on me, she invited me to her house for a lunch that she was going to make for me. Our idea was just to have a very mellow day together before she left on a business trip to DC. I then get the text, and that was how I know she meant nothing ever, because really if you like someone and you talk to them all the time are you going to send them a text to cancel? No you are going to call them and tell them what’s up. But no I get a text that simply said she was sorry but her boss called her to an emergency meeting on Sunday before they went to DC but that we were just putting it off until the next weekend. So while I was sitting at the bar talking for the first time about this girl I get this text. The bar tender looks at me, I look at him and we both knew what was up. Meanwhile Travis was trying to say maybe she was telling the truth. HA!

So I let it slide knowing that she had probably either gotten back with one of her exs or met some buff black dude at the guy with a 13” cock and felt it was more adult to send a text putting it off. I knew that as soon as I got that text, I knew it because I have been there so many other times before. So I wait and over the next week I send her two text messages, one asking her about her trip and the other wishing her a happy birthday. She failed to get back to me on either. Now the thing that fucked me up the most was that I was going to take her to the Bahamas with me. So I guess she lost out, not only do I eat pussy like a champion and fuck dirty but now I also have a free bad ass vacation with an open bar. All I have to say about this whole thing is fuck that bitch and I was only slightly bummed out for two days and got on with my life like she didn’t mean anything at all.

But again I was left not knowing who I would bring to the Bahamas with me. It was told to me by a few people I work with to not bring a guy friend with me. When I asked why they all told me it would look odd. My first thought after Tia, was to bring my friend Justin, his birthday would be the week before so it would be a good gift and we are both single and would help each other out to get some pussy while we were down there. My second thought was to bring a homeboy from work, I get along with him just as good as Justin, he is single and we would both try to fuck and herpes free bitch we wound on that island that was willing. Plus I work with him and he had never been on a trip like this, so I figured it would be a cool gesture. But no, everyone was telling me no, so I did the next best thing that I could, I called my friend Simon.

Simon, works at a PR firm as is a fucking genius when it comes to writing and making things sound awesome. So I give him bullet points, take a new picture and our Craig’s List add was born. It was the slickest ad ever, and through it I got two real responses, one girl was thin in her picture and fat in real life. Which I started asking myself the question, can Photoshop please be more expensive to less people have access to it, I still got two knuckles deep. I mean really I am not bringing some bitch from craigslist on a five day trip with me, as my boss told me I would fuck her once and get bored with her then be stuck for a few days. As a matter of fact I was going to add the link to the craigslist ad and I noticed a new response to the ad, my dick will get wet from this.

Bottom line I decided to bring my work homeboy Carlos, because we do work together, he is my tech rep so helps me out when I need it. And we would have a good time. It was hard telling Justin that I was not going to take him. But we have planned either a Cabo or Hawaii trip, so we will have fun. Plus there is always Comic Con. He will need to step his game up though, he did destroy a chick last year, but god damn she was ugly. I really don’t know how he was able to stay hard. As a matter of fact hey fucked her while I pretended to be asleep. Fucking hilarious. I guess this guy has a huge dick because when he whipped it out she straight up said “oh my god, that is huge.” To me the surprising this was not that he was able to fuck her but that he fucked her like a champ, I mean he fucked her like it mattered, like she was Megan Fox and he had one chance to show her what’s up. So he can’t finish and ends up face fucking her, so here I am trying not to laugh because this went on for like an hour, and the sound of her head getting blasted against the wall and him spraying her face down and getting it all over the walls was almost too much to take.

Lames

Oh were to begin this one. Should I start off by a full update of my second date? Perhaps again going over what a total bitch the guy I work with is? Or maybe just maybe I will talk about my time in Tennessee for Thanksgiving? Hum, decisions decisions. I think I will start with what makes me the most upset, my new roommate.

I am not going to go into the details as to why there is now a third person in my equation, just know that there is and the deal I have is that my shit has to stay the same and this person will have to go in a few months. Of course we don’t tell that person this because we want to rent out the other room. I am not sure a lot of you out there have had the pleasure of having to find a new roommate but it is strange. First off, we use craigslist so you never know what you are going to get. Everyone really wants the place so they lie and it is up to us to figure it all out. Is what we do is we give a small description of our place and of us and we see who takes the time to give thoughtful answers and ask a few people to check out the place. Pretty standard operation procedure if you ask me.

So when we look for people you see them for the first time. This was a few months ago so I don’t remember the order in which we saw people, one of the first people was a dude from Oakland. We usually offer people water or something to make them feel at home, but homebody had herpes on his face so that was done. In which case we decided that he would not be a good fit because if he accidentally used the wrong toothbrush we would be fucked. Then after like five people we came across a person that we felt would fit in nicely. And by nicely I mean a person that we can get rid of and not feel bad. A few of you have been to my place and we keep it pretty clean and we are pretty standard about cleaning up after yourself.

Move in day comes and the guy had his friends moving shit for him. No problem there, the problem starts when he has way to much shit and will not get rid of it. He plays this game were he will ask us if we have something and we say yes we do, then will tell us that he has a nice version of it. listen up pal, you ask us if we have something we do, we don’t need your shit so too fucking bad you have it put it in a fucking box. But no, every fucking day I see a bag of kitchen utensils looking right at me when I wake up in the morning. When will he put it away? I don’t know your guess is as good as mine.

Then there was the box of shit he left at the top of the stairs right in front of my closet. Now I am the type of person that I just expect people to pick up on shit and yes I know moving is hard but you have to have a place for everything. So I don’t say anything for the first few days. But every day I come home from work thinking that it will be taken care of and it’s not. Finally I had to do the only thing I could, I came up the stairs when I knew he was home and yelled who’s fucking box is out here and that I am about to throw it away. That night it was put away.

Then came my cups. I have one really bad habit which is I leave cups in my room. I know this about myself so I have had these cheap plastic cups I use for just that reason. They have been in the same spot since the day I moved in. They are easy because they stack up and don’t take a lot of room. Now while my main roommate was gone this dick decides now is the time to rearrange everything to make room for all of his shit. Which meant that for some reason my cups got moved. Now they didn’t get moved an inch or two they got moved into the pantry. Why? I am still trying to figure this out. All I know is that was the final straw. Now for people that know me the easiest way to freak me out is to move my stuff around. This was it. Not only did he move my cups but this fucking guy had so many cups that they could not fit on the cup shelf so he just decided to start spilling them into the plates.

But here is the worst fucking thing about this guy. He fucking talks a lot. He buts into conversations that I am having and just keeps fucking talking. He always starts things off with “what up kids?” which is as annoying as it sounds. My conversations with him go like this, he starts asking me what I am up too, I just look at him and say nothing. He keeps going on and I say nothing then walk away. He will complain that the toilet is running and somebody needs to fix it. As I am standing there I am just looking at him and I could not help myself but to tell him to get off his ass and fucking fix it himself. I seriously wish he was dead.

Now on to another annoying sack of shit, Byron. This guy now has it in his head that he is smarter than I am. Dude a fucking stray dog is smarter than you are, they at least know they are all but dead and walk on train tracks waiting for a train to take them out. His new thing is that he wants to try to get my boss and me fired. Why do you ask? I will tell you why because we both think he is a dumb mother fucker and doesn’t like that we are so much better than he is. He also wants to move up into the sales job that I have so he can make more money. Listen up pal, fuck you. I stay up at night thinking of the dumb ass shit that he tells me every day and how I can get rid of him.

Every day I hear from customers how much they hate him and the only reason they buy from us is because of me. Now if this guy wants me out fine, he needs to grow a ball sack and tell me to my face. I will gladly ask to leave. But he is so smart he doesn’t realize that in my entire company I have put the most new dollars than any other sales rep and he is a stupid fuck dime a dozen retard thinking he has power. So if you were my company would you rather keep a sales rep that put in new business while at the same time clean up his mess to keep current customers or would you rather get rid of that rep and replace a manager that you can find off the streets? But then again he is just that smart. Honestly I am getting the point of annoyance and not being able tolerating him to the point that I am going to ask to either transfer me or him, I just can’t do it and keep myself sane on a day to day basis.

Plus you dumb ass lives in a van. You work for a fortune 300 company and you live in a van, please.

Now what is better then a first date? A second of course. Except this second date I realized just how fucking self absorbed people really are and more important just how dumb they can be. So this bitch calls me up. Now mind you she should be doing whatever I want. I am sexy and she is ugly and she knows this. Basically I am way too good for her. But she is cool and we are into some of the same stuff. So I get a call last Saturday from her telling me she doesn’t want to date. My reaction to this was that’s fine. Which is really is, I was talking with my friend Phil a few weeks ago and there comes a point in your life when you don’t date enough and you don’t have enough relationships that you truly stop caring. I am now at that point. It is not a big deal to me anymore.

So she gets pissed that I am just so apathetic to her telling me this. When really why should I care, I went out with you once, nothing happened we don’t owe each other anything. Then she decides she wants to come over. Again I tell her I don’t care if she does or does not. She comes and we go to Murio’s, that way I can bail out at any time I want. We really start to talk and she realizes just how fucking amazing I am but at the same time I realize just how stupid she is. And by stupid, maybe not totally stupid, immature for sure and close to being certifiable.

She just starts talking on random bullshit all night long and I got to the point that I wanted some entertainment from this situation. She confesses that she is a chronic liar and that she needs people around her to be fucked up so that she can fix problems. Listen bitch and listen good. How the fuck can you fix other people problems when you can’t even see your own? Not only that you can’t even admit that you have any, when clearly you have more issues than four normal people do. So for a few hours she is drinking, I have two beers because I don’t drink a lot. I just let her ramble on and on because she likes the sound of her own voice.

After a while I just get tired of it and ask the door man to sit with us, or more me so I have someone to bullshit with. It was great seeing the crushed look on her face like she was not interesting enough for me. Which sorry you are not. I watch her spend live $60 bucks on herself and she starts to tell me that she doesn’t want a boyfriend. And I just look at her and tell her that’s fine then don’t have one. She also goes on to say that guys are useless and sex is lame.

Hold on a second, sex is lame? No bitch you are fucking lame. She is trying to convince me for a hour that a dildo is just as good as a cock. Alright I will give you this they probably get you off a lot easier then a dick will and you can buy them in different sizes. But why oh why are dildos not enough for basically every girl in the world? That’s right they are not as good. Such a fucking stupid argument and I did call her out on it and told her that she just thinks so little of herself that she thinks she can’t get a guy so she is in the process of convincing herself that a dildo will solve all of her problems. The silence was only awkward for her.

After that she wanted to leave and I watched her almost fall over several times to her car. At which time she told me that she really likes me which I responded sorry you told me that you don’t want to be in a relationship and that dicks are useless. She then tried to kiss me in which I moved my face. I then watched her get in her car and drive drunk.

This brings me to my point I guess. In fact this time I don’t have a point I am just writing tonight. But overall people are fucking really stupid and useless. Everyone wants everything. People now have this sense of entitlement that I just don’t understand. You have a roommate that thinks other people don’t live with him. You have a the person you work with that is just so painfully stupid and useless, yet they think they can do a better job than a person that is killing it. You have girls that have no fucking idea what they want so they build o a life which is a total lie. What the fuck is going on?

I am sick and tired of putting lames on blast and that is all I seem to be doing. No longer do I talk about me going out. No now all I seem to do is talk about people that annoy me to the point they dominate my thought process. I am not talking about fun stuff anymore, this ends. I can’t fucking do this anymore. Next one I write I will talk about my trip to Tennessee because you know I have some great things to say about that and my thoughts might actually entertain this time around.

Fight On

I write this one with a bruised ass check, I am working through the pain in order to bring you entertainment for the week. You might be asking yourself why my ass is bruised and you know I will break it down for you. Saturday night fresh off a hot date, first one in months for me. the date went well, girl is cool, looking to get a second more details to come in the future. After the date was over things went down hill from there. Since she came to my part of town we stayed local and when she left I noticed I was right across the street from Murio’s and decided I will go in for a drink and to bullshit with the door man and bar keep.

It is always good when I walk into that place, I have been going there for so long now that I am just known and I know the mainstays. After a long day of work or whatever I find it fun to go to a place that I feel comfortable. This Saturday was really slow and something odd was in the air. I noticed two people that have been going out for a while that work at the pizza place down the street in the middle of a heated argument and was a little bummed out by that. I didn’t get involved none of my business and when I walk in I am greeted by Dave the Doorman, one of the coolest guys I have met. Talk for a few then I get my drink.

Since it was slow I go out to have a smoke with Dave and we drink our beers at the door so he can check IDs. And when I say it was slow I mean slow, there was probably like 15 people in the place. Oh I failed to mention that someone got the great idea of putting a DJ in the back. Now I have issue with that because when I go there I want to hear punk music and have it be loud. With a DJ spinning classic soul hits it brought in a new crowd. The usual crowd there are in jeans and leather jackets, that night you had the normal crowd at the bar and dude with half way buttoned shirts cutting up rug in the back. Really not the standard for that place which is known to be a rough bar, perfect for likes to fight guy.

Dave and I are sitting there minding our own business when a rugby player and his friend come in. Dave, doing his job asks for ID the rugby guy was cool with it but his extremely drunk friend felt that he didn’t have to show ID. Before there could be an argument another asshole runs outside with an open beer so Dave runs after him to tell him he can’t have that. In the time he was gone the drunk guy looks at me and starts cussing Dave out behind his back. Now being that I am cool with Dave this rubbed me the wrong way. So I have words with the guy while the rugby guy is like oh no my friend is going to get killed tonight. Rugby guy was cool and mediated nicely and because he was cool about the whole thing when Dave came back in nothing happened. but the drunk guy could not leave well enough alone.

Right before they were going to leave drunk guy looks at me and tells me that I am the type of guy that he would jack off in my face. By this time rugby guy grabs his friend and starts to walk him out. Truth be told I am afraid of rugby guy because they feel no pain much like a retard and didn’t want to fight drunk guy for fear that rugby guy would kill me. See I know my limits and I do my best to put myself in winnable situations. At that point all Dave and I could do was laugh. Rugby guy was apologizing for his friend a lot and walked him. It was all good, the guy was drunk and not worth anything so they left. Dave and I have a good laugh after they bailed out.

Not even five minutes after they leave a dude with his girl come in and Dave asked for ID. The guy waves Dave off and was really rude about it. I mean come on, when a person that works at a bar asks for ID just fucking show it, this guy had to be all hard core. By the way he was fucking huge, his legs were as big as my waist. Dave gets up and gets between the big guy and the bar and tells him that he needs ID before they can be in there. The guy starts to question Dave asking who he was, Dave just says that he is the doorman. The guy pushes him aside and walks right up to the bar. Now the bartender Nicky is watching the whole thing and is rolling his eyes. Like he will let the guy buy a beer at that point, he wouldn’t even check the guy’s ID. A small argument starts up, the buff guy is claiming that is was racist and shit like that he was just trying to start trouble.

Now everyone I have this to has asked me if the guy was drunk. No he was not, he was a calm as can be he just didn’t a shit. He did get pissed a few times and would tell Dave to fuck off and shit like that. Things were getting a little bit testy and I can see that is was going to get out of control because the guy just didn’t care about anything other then getting what he wanted which was a beer without showing ID. At this point Nicky comes from behind the bar to try and calm the situation down. Dave was also doing his best to talk to the guy but after Nick got from behind the bar he just starts cussing at everyone and pushes Dave. At that point he was asked to leave but doesn’t want to. Instead he gets into Dave’s face and tells him that he is going to beat the shit out of him. I can see Dave getting a massive adrenaline rush because he was shaking not because he was scared but because he was getting ready to go with the guy. Now Dave is the same size as I am and this guy was fucking buff as fuck but he still didn’t back down.

Nick sensing that things were getting out of hand tells the guy he has to leave and there are plenty of other bars on the street he can go to. The guy gets even more pissed and again tells Dave he was going to beat his ass and pushes him. At that time I get up because the guy was so pissed at both of them that maybe if a random person got up he would calm down, wrong. After a few minutes he tells them that he was going to leave and starts towards the door. Dave and Nick are following him from behind to make sure he leaves. At this point they do not have their hands on him even after the guy pushed Dave, I am standing off to the side but kind of in the middle of it and he starts to walk out. Just before he gets to the door he turns around.

One last time he turns around but this time he pushes Dave again. Dave gets up in his face and starts to move him out of the bar at which point the guy tries to head but Dave glances at him turns to Nicky and pushes him into the door. All three of us then get the guy and start to aggressively get him out of the building. Once we get him to the door the guy starts to throw punches and we all use our energy to push the guy as far as we can from the bar. Well he was so big and strong that the push caught him off guard and grabs all of us at the same time as he is going down. We all go flying from the door to the curb. I bounce off the pile and hit the side of a car but as I hit the ground I look at the struggle and start to get back up because the guy was not staying down. But just as I get up another dude from inside runs out and gets the guy in a headlock and I grab my phone and call the cops.

For the short time I am on the ground I noticed that someone was bleeding and there was blood everywhere but didn’t think too much of it at the time. As I am on the phone they get the guy up from the ground and pin him up against a car. I am on the phone trying to keep calm, giving the lady the address, my name and what went down. Less than a minute later a cop car pulls up and three more follow, they come running out and separate all the people. Dave at this point is standing right next to me covered in blood. Then we notice that his head is busted wide open and we are all covered in his blood. The car was also a bloody mess but Dave was really messed up. The entire left side of his face was bloody, his clothes soaked in blood. I have blood on my clothes and on my arms. The cops are looking over Dave and ask him if he is alright, he keeps saying that he is but I tell him that he needs stitches and the cops agree so they call in the ambulance.

It was at this point in time that the buff guy looks at Dave and tells him that he is bleeding and wants to know how. We all start yelling at the guy who is trying to play it off like he did nothing wrong and walks over to Dave. The cops are doing a great job at this point as they let the guy walk right up to Dave until they realize what is going on and they all get on him. I mean really dude how the fuck do you think he got covered in blood could it have been because we had to throw you out of a bar and you decided to start throwing punches at us? Could it be that we all hit the curb or a car or the parking meter or all of the above. Fucking dumbass.

Now the ambulance arrived and we have to take off our shirts so they can hose us down because we all had blood on us. They check Dave out and it looked like he had a concussion and they put a neck brace on him. He gets taken away on a stretcher and the only thing I could do was give the paramedics my number because I am the only one that was involved that lives in SF and if he needed a ride home to call me.

After all the dust settled I drank more than what I planned on and we were all pissed. Meanwhile the half unbuttoned shirt people were having a great time because they go to this place for the first time and they see action and I start talking to a few other people. The buff guy gets cuffed and taken away.

So I am not in a good mood at this point, I am really pissed. So I am going to break down bars for all you people that go. Do not fuck with the doorman, if he asks for ID just fucking give it. do not fuck with the bartender, he won’t serve you drinks if you do. Most importantly if you are asked to leave take it like a fucking man and walk. Now buff guy is in jail he is going to have assault charges thrown against him, he is going to have to prove against ten other people who all saw the same thing. Hopefully Dave sues the fuck out of the guy causing him to loose they job he has having to wear a paper hat standing over greasy burgers making $8 an hour. All because you won’t show an ID. Now I am willing to bet that girl got wet in her pants and can’t wait for the guy to get out so she cam fuck his dick off which is sick for so many reasons.

I help close down the bar and walk home in a bad mood. This also sucks because I just don’t have the energy to write about the other stuff that happened to me this week. How I bought a new phone and will be posting short video clips on you tube. I can’t tell you the great time I had on Sunday and a bum sat at our table and started eating our food. How two drunk guys that just got done with a nacho eating contest started to pick up on my room mate. Sorry, maybe next week

A Slow Dive

There is a reason I decided not to write the Blog until today. I am going to touch on a serious topic for once. Namely the Goth club I went to last Monday. Now for those who don’t know me all that well I think goth chicks when they are not fat are super fucking hot and I do like a lot of the music so naturally a club that has what I want is the way to go. A little over a month ago my boy Seamus told me about this goth club here in SF and that I should go. Now I am a veteran of goth clubs having been to almost all that southern cal has to offer, basically the only one in Phoenix so I know what is good and what is bad.

After a month of telling Seamus that I would go I finally decided that I was going to go last week. But I started to think of every goth club I have been to and the fact that the bathroom is not a place you want to find yourself unless you want to have a dude proposition you to suck your dick or seeing people shoot heroine. I am into neither. So I decided to try and take a shit before I went even though I didn’t have to go. I mean seriously think about it, it is quite one thing to take a piss because you can shield your cock and cover your ass from attacks from behind. But taking a shit is quite another. Imagine your taking a shit on a toilet that probably has crusty seaman lining it, the door won’t lock and someone walks right in mid shit. I would say a fairly awkward situation to find yourself in. So I sit on my toilet for like 15 minutes and don’t shit and I figure I must not have to go and can hold it for two hours if I did have to go, plus I have been dropping think loads not that loose shit that always gets you wondering.

Satisfied with myself I get in my car and leave. Show up to the club which is only like ten minutes from my house find a good parking spot pay my five bucks to get in and get my hand stamped for reentry. Thinking to myself that Seamus was going to be there in part because he has been going and mostly because he told me he was going to go because I was there. Now every goth club has a black velvet entry point, this was no different what was different was that there were literally three people on the dace floor dancing alone and about 17 people total in the place. I go walking around trying to find Shea, can’t find him. The DJ is playing some good tunes so I am into it and am going to give it a good try. That was until that shit I tried to take 45 minutes before finally decided to show up. I started to survey the floor and noticed two dudes in fishnet walking into the bathroom at the same time. In retrospect now that I am writing this down I should have gone in just so I could have something more to say but staying true to myself I left and went home. I could not shit, five dollars wasted.

Now me going out is a function of the past four or five months where I have not really left the house and my life was basically, work, getting pissed at co-workers and trying to keep myself occupied at home. I was basically snapping because one of the last times I went out I went to Murio’s and met a chick. Now this was not a girl that you are proud of in fact I wanted nothing to do with her and was with my friend John. Together we came up with the term Buffalo Solider, referring to a guy that fucks a Buffalo Girl a term for an unfuckable girl. Now the game is only fun if other people play it and I should not say unfuckable because unfuckable is just that unfuckable, no matter how many drinks you have they are still just unfuckable. A Buffalo Girl is more a girl that you feel ashamed of after the fact, like you did just to do it because you know you could. Basically the other people that are hip to this term do not fuck Buffalos and I am the reigning champion.

At Murio’s this fateful night I am with my friend John after we had gotten done practicing and there she was. The absolute definition of a Buffalo Girl. John, looks at me and confirms if that is one and I tell him that if he scored that he will become champion. So John spits his lame ass game and she ends up sitting down next to me together we start singing Murder City Devils songs and start talking. Cool chick. John decides to bail out and to her that was a sign that I wanted to fuck. So she kept buying me drinks until close and the more I drank the more I started focusing on the one attractive thing about her. So I keep looking at her fingernails and I start to think damn those are some hot finger nails, this was the beginning of the end.

Last call hits I am out on the streets she is still talking to me every place is closed and she needs some water. Being that I am a nice guy I let her know I live around the corner and I can hook her up with some water. We get back to my pad I get her the water and she wants to tour. I quietly show her around, show her the living room, my TV room then open the door to my bedroom. She grabs my cock and starts making out with me. By this time I am drunk and the affection has me all boned up. She throws me on my bed, takes off all my clothes and avalanches me. I don’t remember anything past that point because I basically blacked out. I was so fucking drunk I was done.

There is nothing like waking up the next morning not even hung over to find an unfuckable sleeping right next to you. I quietly get up and get into the shower, using the luffa I am really trying to scrub myself clean. I get ready for work and wake her up and tell her I have to go, she gets her stuff and bails out. The second she bails I start destroying my room looking for any type of love glove, nothing. The entire day I am totally freaked the fuck out. This was a few weeks before Comic Con and really I was terrified for what ended up being months because of this. Waiting for the “I’m pregnant” phone call that never came. More so I was totally ashamed which is hard for me to get, but damn I felt horrible about myself for like five months. Now you all know why I have not been going out, that one night freaked me out fucking badly.

Fast forward to this week.

I drive a lot for work and I live in San Francisco so there are a lot of HIV and AIDS awareness posters everywhere. The more I keep driving the more I seem to see and the more I seem to see the more I start to think I had one of the two. Slowly I start to think more and more about it until last week I had enough I just needed to know. Last Wednesday I call the doctors office and make an appointment for that day to get fully tested for everything.

They naturally ask you questions. Why do you want to take this test? Well I slept with real fucked up girls. Do you have any sores on your penis? No. Does it hurt when you urinate? No. On and on they go asking questions partly because they want to know what type of tests to give you but I for one think they are measuring your chances in their head judging you.. after the questions they decide that I will not need the q tip up my dick hole and that a piss test would be just fine. I did a cartwheel over that. Then right before she sends me downstairs to give blood I ask her how long the test takes, she tells me two weeks which I was all freaked out about. Then she tells me that clean tests often take a day or two. Downstairs I go give my blood.

Friday, I am back at the doctors for a routine physical thinking to myself well if I am clean then they should have it, it has been two days. Nothing. On my walk home the only thing I can think about was her telling me that it takes one or two days if it is clean and that it had been two days and they had nothing. This made for a fucking great weekend.

I sit around trying to keep myself occupied and I really start to think that this is it that it is over or was it? I really started putting some legitimate thought into this. I started to think what is so bad? Think about it you get to die young and not get old man sagging balls. I am sure there are groups and shit that you can go to meet chicks, I mean at that point who really gives a fuck about anything and I am sure these chicks would be down to fuck like crazy. I basically convinced myself that had HIV/AIDS but still for about six days I was the most religious person in the world. I even bought one of those candles Mexicans buy at the (( cents store, you know the one with either Jesus or the Virgin Mary, I am now the proud owner of one.

Monday, I give a call to the doctors office to see if my results were in, nothing. All day today I am just fucking twisting hard core, then I get the phone call that the results were in but I had to come in. I start to think why do I have to come in if I am clean? Wouldn’t they only want you in if you had something so you can start talking about was you can live with it. Oh perhaps they put you in an AIDS database branding you for life. After that call I was really fucked up. But being that I am at work and had something to do I did finish what I had then went right home and played FIFA 10 for about a hour until I made the long walk to the doctors.

I sign in and pay my $20 copay for the third time in less than a week and they sit me in this room. I sat there for a while shaking and shit. The doctors comes in, scratch that barely opens the door and tells me I am fine all clear. I wasn’t even relieved I was more pissed that I just paid $20 bucks. Really if I have to come in and I am all good can’t you just fucking tell me in a room? Oh that’s right the medical field is fucking corrupt and all they want is you money.

Yes, I am free of all STDs and I am happy about that and I have come up with two new rules. First one, always wear a bag. Second, stop fucking whores. Third and most important of the all I will no longer meet girls and fuck girls that I meet at Murio’s ever again. You might ask why? Very easy one reason is that it is very difficult to not find a girl that does not fall into my second rule. Most importantly it is my bar and I really don’t want to see them again. It ruins my bar for me and I have no place to go to twice a week to bullshit.

Even though I was feeling down I still did go out for Halloween. I did keep it low key and went to Murio’s. I must tell you it was fun but I was so fucked up I was not having a good time. That and the fact that the dyke chick was there looking good. Yes, the same dyke chick that told me she was getting married to a chick. The same stupid cunt that was the topic of one of my last blogs. Well she was there, I am feeling like shit. The sight of her smiling having a good time made me feel worse. We accidentally saw each other and I keep it cool with one of those head nods. I did see her with some lame dude that she knows that is a closet faggot but no wife? Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that you are such a cunt that you can’t even tell me the truth, I bet there was no girl that she just didn’t like me which is fine.

I go outside to have a cigarette with Doorman Dave and she sends this dude out to talk to me. “Mary Ellen wants to know how you are doing?” Dude what the fuck is she going to write me a note that asks if I am mad at her with a box for no and a box for yes? Fuck just come out and talk to me. I do have to give her some credit she knew that I was looking good that night and I would blow her off. Lesson to all don’t fuck with me because I will fuck you back slowly and painfully until I decide I have hurt you 100 times more than you hurt me.

In short fuck you go eat some hairy cot and stay the fuck out of my fucking bar.

On Blast

Just a quick update on the past six plus months since I have updated the blog. Nothing of significance at all. Now I know you might be thinking yourself that I must have some crazy update or story. The truth is I really don’t, aside from Comic Con, which was so long ago it seems that I really don’t want to go over that right now. Other then that I have not really been going out or doing anything worthwhile. I have opted to waste my days and nights playing video games and having little or no contact with any one. By doing so I have gotten really bored and frustrated, luckily I have spent the past few weeks really thinking about this and decided that I need to balance out work and personal and not just work, come home, do whatever then go to sleep. After all the world is a better place when I get to put it in its place.

Now to a filthy nasty disease I have been coming across lately, people this time I am going after dudes because I am just get really sad when I see dudes that act like little bitches. The person I am putting on blast this week is a person I work with, his name is Byron and he is by far and away the biggest moron I have ever come across. He is the person that took over my position as manager of the store and he doesn’t know what he is doing. Instead of learning it he will just ask me because he knows I can’t stand to see failure.

So why I am putting this poor sorry motherfucker on blast? Easy, this goes along with my topic of guys tucking their penises inward creating a pseudo vagina. Let me give a little back story on this guy. He is from a Northern California mountain town by the name of Arnold. The type of place that is just far enough out of the way the idea of cable television is new to them. He was hired about six months after I was and had been the assistant in Sacramento where he sat around and did nothing and after being left high and dry by the original guy that took over for me it was my job to find a replacement. He was the first person I called because he had been with us for a while and worked at a fairly large branch, had been trying to transfer out so I figured that he would be ready. I remember the call to this day, he told me that he doesn’t want to move to SF and that he would not get paid enough for it. to which I said I live in the middle of the city and I do just fine. Then in so many words he told me that the Branch was too small and in a way beneath him. I automatically took him off the list and told my boss that he didn’t want to come. Two weeks later he was there because he given an ultimatum to take the job or look for another. Lucky me.

The first month or so he was staying at his ‘girlfriends’ house about an hour outside of town and would commute in. During this time he knocked her up and was very worried about the whole thing because he didn’t want to have any kids at the time and really wasn’t into this girl. All lies. After what he tells me a false alarm he found a place to live and then really didn’t talk to this girl but once, maybe twice a month only. He then tried to be Mr. SF and wanted to hang out with me to which I looked him dead in the eye and told him “no.” there was one time he called me and I thought it was work related so I picked up and he ended up being in front of my house and I took him to a bar with me where everyone thought he was a weird motherfucker and ignored him. For me it was really great because I am sick in this way, I really loved watching people walk away from him then talk to me and see him try to chime in. Oh man the looks on these people’s faces were awesome, they just straight up gave him the dirtiest looks. So I was satisfied in seeing other people treat him like shit. Then another time he just showed up to the bar because he thought I would be there. I had to take him outside and tell him that he was not welcome at the bar if I am there and he needs to leave and I went back inside to get my drink on.

So in these few social meetings with him I asked him a few questions about this bitch he was fucking. According to him she was a college fling that he kept around for the pussy. I would get a little bit deeper and ask him if he was fucking any bitches now. Oh yeah I failed to mention aside from being the world’s dumbest person he is close to also being the ugliest. His mouth is always open like he is ready to suck a cock or something. I will have to sneak a picture of him one of these days just to terrify my female readers and reconfirm with my male audience why they are not gay. He had not found any bitches to fuck which really doesn’t surprise me at all. I would also get into what type of girls he was into, because as you all know I will fuck almost any non Asian or black chick. I remember asking him because there is always this fat chick that will fuck any dude she sees and I told him to pull that and he tells me that he is not into fat girls. Again, lies.

Fast forward to July, I am getting my crew ready to go on a massive fuck spree at the Comic Con. I am in a really good mood because this is the one steady vacation that I take every year and I get to nerd out and be better than everyone. Before my vacation we have a meeting and I am doing my thing then during a break a bunch of guys pull me aside and me what is wrong with Byron. To which I said nothing he is probably nervous and they were really telling me that something is wrong with the guy and I had to tell them all that I don’t know because I don’t hang out with him more importantly I don’t care about him other then the eight hours of work he tried to do. So I could care less if his mom died or he got raped, I really do not give a shit. Then my boss pulls me aside and asks me to find out what is wrong with him so I see him outside and I ask him.

He is standing in the dark by himself and I can see that he was all fucked up from something. I walk up to him and tell him that everyone but me is worried about him and if there is something going on. he goes into his pocket and takes out an engagement ring. I look him dead in the eye and tell him that I thought he was not really into the girl and if he was sure he wanted to propose to her. He told me that over the weekend he already did and she said no and is fucking another dude. I do what I always do with him, I laughed in his face and he started to cry. So he spills his guts to me which I really appreciated trust me on that. Crying about how he was sure she was the one but didn’t want to commit before, but now he was sure about it. he then asks me what he should do, I told him to go home to his parents house drink a beer with the old man and forget about it because there is nothing else to do. But he keeps pressing and tells me that he wants to know why she said no. I had to remind him that she is going out with another dude and he started to cry more. I told him he has two choices, one you come back to work on Monday and you just let it go and be sad for a week. Second option would be to call her and ask her why because he really wanted closure on the situation. I advised against it but does he listen to me? No.

I split for San Diego and go to the Con, I come back all fired up and ready to go and I stop by the Branch in the morning to see what was going on with the guys. Well Byron is sitting behind the desk, door closed and crying. Instead of leaving the Branch I decide to wait because seeing this guy suffer puts me in a good mood. He tells me that he didn’t listen to my advise and went to her house after the meeting and sat in front of her place for hours until her dad came out and told him to leave before he calls the cops. Then on the Monday he sent like $100 worth of flowers to her and when I walked in that day her dad was on the phone with him telling him to forget about her, that it is over and they have filed a restraining order against him.

For three months he could not stop thinking about her. He would mope around the branch while the other people did his work for him. I would have to carry his stupid fucking ass on my back which got me to the point I was going to ask for a transfer just to get away from him. He did nothing. Remember it is not like he is smart and if he stops working he is even more useless than what he already is. So this girl fucked him up so badly that he could not even work. He hit rock bottom when he moved out of his place and moved all of his things to the branch where I am pretty sure he is living at, which he denies telling me that he is staying at hostels at night and going home on the weekends. I was witnessing a human downward spiral like I have never seen before and I must say I enjoyed it a little bit.

The worst was a few weeks ago he went to Bahamas with his parents and packed the fucking engagement ring with him. Who in their right fucking mind does that? He gets back and tells the guys at work that he was really sad because all he saw was young couples on their honeymoons and he stayed in his room and cried the whole time. Now at some point I decided that I had to be the one to teach him what is to be a man and last week I did that for him.

I had enough with this bullshit because I was really getting tired of doing his job for him so I took him up stairs and had a talk with him. Now this might sound like a contradiction to what I have been saying this whole time but I got a call from one of his friends randomly. How they got my number I have no idea all I know was this person called me to tell he that I had to talk to him because they were afraid he was going to do something to himself. I knew that I had to do something. We make the long walk to his bedroom, I mean upstairs break room with a bed, dresser, clothes and a TV and I sat his ass down. Now one reason I like this guy is because I can really punk him and I don’t have to cuss to do it. I start slow with him and ask him how he is doing.

Again he lies to me and tells me that he is doing good and he is over it. I look him dead in the eye and tell him that he needs to stop ling because the reason I am here is one I am tired of him not contributing at work and secondly one of his friends called me to tell me just how fucked up he is. He is in a total state of shock and I come clean and ask him why he is working in SF when he really doesn’t live here. His answer was basically that the people around him cover up his mistakes and that I carry him. I tell him just how sick I am of his shit and that I am strongly considering a transfer because I can’t stand working with him. I also let him know that customer hate him and the employees think that he is a joke. His only response to me was that he thought that was the case. So being that I am fucking awesome I let him have it just like I am going to let all of you have it right now.

Do not get hung up on a bitch, ever. If you are over the age of 16 and a girl breaks up with you, you have exactly one fucking week to get over it and if you are having trouble getting over it I have steps for you to take. Day one and two, listen to music in the dark. Day three think about what happened so it won’t happen again. Day four start thinking of reason you hate her. Day five watch porno and do not jack off. Days six and seven try to fuck as many girls as you can and it doesn’t matter what they look like you just need to fuck to get your man power back. Only a straight up pussy let’s a girl fuck him up for months effecting his work. Shit work should be the one place that you kick ass in times of high personal stress. As soon as you let this stuff slip into your work you are as good as done. Now do not listen to me is you are married and have actual things to loose, I have never been in that situation so I can’t give you advice.

Come to find out that when he thought the girl was knocked up she really was. He wanted her to have the baby and she was so desperate to get rid of the demon seed of Byron she stuck a hot coat hanger to pull it out. Not to mention that when he proposed to her he had not talked to her in over a month. Also, that around all of us at work he would tell us over and over again that he was not into her and she was just FWB. Lastly, you know how I said that he was not into fat chicks, well she was as fat as they come. Pretty fucking sad that the guys was holding onto that. Even more unforgivable was that he made sure all my customers knew about it. So when I told him that he brings nothing to the table I wasn’t being mean I was just stating a fact that he needed to know.

My boss then came in later that day and had almost the same conversation with him but more work related where I found out just how stupid he is. he excuse to us was that he has a learning disability citing that in college if the class took on hour to finish a test it would take him 70 minuets. Now that is insulting to my intelligence, I have a friend with a learning disability I know the fucking difference. Anyways I am done with this fucking guy and will do everything in my power to get him fired.

So back to the main topic, guys are now girls with dicks. They can no longer make decisions and cry about everything. What the fuck happened to the world? Why do girls like dudes like that? Is it because they look good in tight jeans? Please someone tell me because it is driving me fucking bananas. What ever happened to guys that can fix a toilet? What ever happened to guys that thought acting like a bitch was gay? Now it is almost acceptable. Well it fucking ends right now.

Ladies, you are no longer allowed to go out with a guy that doesn’t want to fuck you every night. You are no longer allowed to go out with a guy that doesn’t know the difference between a Phillips and flat head screw driver. You are no longer allowed to go out with a guy that spends more than $20 on a hair cut. You are no longer allowed to go out with a guy that is wearing more than $200 worth of clothing (number includes shoes) at any one time unless it is a suit or work clothes. If you see a hot guy at a bar drinking an appletini don’t even fucking bother. You are nothing more than enablers to this problem. Remember guys are not supposed to be hot like a bitch we are supposed to handle business at work, at home and in the bed