There is a reason I decided not to write the Blog until today. I am going to touch on a serious topic for once. Namely the Goth club I went to last Monday. Now for those who don’t know me all that well I think goth chicks when they are not fat are super fucking hot and I do like a lot of the music so naturally a club that has what I want is the way to go. A little over a month ago my boy Seamus told me about this goth club here in SF and that I should go. Now I am a veteran of goth clubs having been to almost all that southern cal has to offer, basically the only one in Phoenix so I know what is good and what is bad.
After a month of telling Seamus that I would go I finally decided that I was going to go last week. But I started to think of every goth club I have been to and the fact that the bathroom is not a place you want to find yourself unless you want to have a dude proposition you to suck your dick or seeing people shoot heroine. I am into neither. So I decided to try and take a shit before I went even though I didn’t have to go. I mean seriously think about it, it is quite one thing to take a piss because you can shield your cock and cover your ass from attacks from behind. But taking a shit is quite another. Imagine your taking a shit on a toilet that probably has crusty seaman lining it, the door won’t lock and someone walks right in mid shit. I would say a fairly awkward situation to find yourself in. So I sit on my toilet for like 15 minutes and don’t shit and I figure I must not have to go and can hold it for two hours if I did have to go, plus I have been dropping think loads not that loose shit that always gets you wondering.
Satisfied with myself I get in my car and leave. Show up to the club which is only like ten minutes from my house find a good parking spot pay my five bucks to get in and get my hand stamped for reentry. Thinking to myself that Seamus was going to be there in part because he has been going and mostly because he told me he was going to go because I was there. Now every goth club has a black velvet entry point, this was no different what was different was that there were literally three people on the dace floor dancing alone and about 17 people total in the place. I go walking around trying to find Shea, can’t find him. The DJ is playing some good tunes so I am into it and am going to give it a good try. That was until that shit I tried to take 45 minutes before finally decided to show up. I started to survey the floor and noticed two dudes in fishnet walking into the bathroom at the same time. In retrospect now that I am writing this down I should have gone in just so I could have something more to say but staying true to myself I left and went home. I could not shit, five dollars wasted.
Now me going out is a function of the past four or five months where I have not really left the house and my life was basically, work, getting pissed at co-workers and trying to keep myself occupied at home. I was basically snapping because one of the last times I went out I went to Murio’s and met a chick. Now this was not a girl that you are proud of in fact I wanted nothing to do with her and was with my friend John. Together we came up with the term Buffalo Solider, referring to a guy that fucks a Buffalo Girl a term for an unfuckable girl. Now the game is only fun if other people play it and I should not say unfuckable because unfuckable is just that unfuckable, no matter how many drinks you have they are still just unfuckable. A Buffalo Girl is more a girl that you feel ashamed of after the fact, like you did just to do it because you know you could. Basically the other people that are hip to this term do not fuck Buffalos and I am the reigning champion.
At Murio’s this fateful night I am with my friend John after we had gotten done practicing and there she was. The absolute definition of a Buffalo Girl. John, looks at me and confirms if that is one and I tell him that if he scored that he will become champion. So John spits his lame ass game and she ends up sitting down next to me together we start singing Murder City Devils songs and start talking. Cool chick. John decides to bail out and to her that was a sign that I wanted to fuck. So she kept buying me drinks until close and the more I drank the more I started focusing on the one attractive thing about her. So I keep looking at her fingernails and I start to think damn those are some hot finger nails, this was the beginning of the end.
Last call hits I am out on the streets she is still talking to me every place is closed and she needs some water. Being that I am a nice guy I let her know I live around the corner and I can hook her up with some water. We get back to my pad I get her the water and she wants to tour. I quietly show her around, show her the living room, my TV room then open the door to my bedroom. She grabs my cock and starts making out with me. By this time I am drunk and the affection has me all boned up. She throws me on my bed, takes off all my clothes and avalanches me. I don’t remember anything past that point because I basically blacked out. I was so fucking drunk I was done.
There is nothing like waking up the next morning not even hung over to find an unfuckable sleeping right next to you. I quietly get up and get into the shower, using the luffa I am really trying to scrub myself clean. I get ready for work and wake her up and tell her I have to go, she gets her stuff and bails out. The second she bails I start destroying my room looking for any type of love glove, nothing. The entire day I am totally freaked the fuck out. This was a few weeks before Comic Con and really I was terrified for what ended up being months because of this. Waiting for the “I’m pregnant” phone call that never came. More so I was totally ashamed which is hard for me to get, but damn I felt horrible about myself for like five months. Now you all know why I have not been going out, that one night freaked me out fucking badly.
Fast forward to this week.
I drive a lot for work and I live in San Francisco so there are a lot of HIV and AIDS awareness posters everywhere. The more I keep driving the more I seem to see and the more I seem to see the more I start to think I had one of the two. Slowly I start to think more and more about it until last week I had enough I just needed to know. Last Wednesday I call the doctors office and make an appointment for that day to get fully tested for everything.
They naturally ask you questions. Why do you want to take this test? Well I slept with real fucked up girls. Do you have any sores on your penis? No. Does it hurt when you urinate? No. On and on they go asking questions partly because they want to know what type of tests to give you but I for one think they are measuring your chances in their head judging you.. after the questions they decide that I will not need the q tip up my dick hole and that a piss test would be just fine. I did a cartwheel over that. Then right before she sends me downstairs to give blood I ask her how long the test takes, she tells me two weeks which I was all freaked out about. Then she tells me that clean tests often take a day or two. Downstairs I go give my blood.
Friday, I am back at the doctors for a routine physical thinking to myself well if I am clean then they should have it, it has been two days. Nothing. On my walk home the only thing I can think about was her telling me that it takes one or two days if it is clean and that it had been two days and they had nothing. This made for a fucking great weekend.
I sit around trying to keep myself occupied and I really start to think that this is it that it is over or was it? I really started putting some legitimate thought into this. I started to think what is so bad? Think about it you get to die young and not get old man sagging balls. I am sure there are groups and shit that you can go to meet chicks, I mean at that point who really gives a fuck about anything and I am sure these chicks would be down to fuck like crazy. I basically convinced myself that had HIV/AIDS but still for about six days I was the most religious person in the world. I even bought one of those candles Mexicans buy at the (( cents store, you know the one with either Jesus or the Virgin Mary, I am now the proud owner of one.
Monday, I give a call to the doctors office to see if my results were in, nothing. All day today I am just fucking twisting hard core, then I get the phone call that the results were in but I had to come in. I start to think why do I have to come in if I am clean? Wouldn’t they only want you in if you had something so you can start talking about was you can live with it. Oh perhaps they put you in an AIDS database branding you for life. After that call I was really fucked up. But being that I am at work and had something to do I did finish what I had then went right home and played FIFA 10 for about a hour until I made the long walk to the doctors.
I sign in and pay my $20 copay for the third time in less than a week and they sit me in this room. I sat there for a while shaking and shit. The doctors comes in, scratch that barely opens the door and tells me I am fine all clear. I wasn’t even relieved I was more pissed that I just paid $20 bucks. Really if I have to come in and I am all good can’t you just fucking tell me in a room? Oh that’s right the medical field is fucking corrupt and all they want is you money.
Yes, I am free of all STDs and I am happy about that and I have come up with two new rules. First one, always wear a bag. Second, stop fucking whores. Third and most important of the all I will no longer meet girls and fuck girls that I meet at Murio’s ever again. You might ask why? Very easy one reason is that it is very difficult to not find a girl that does not fall into my second rule. Most importantly it is my bar and I really don’t want to see them again. It ruins my bar for me and I have no place to go to twice a week to bullshit.
Even though I was feeling down I still did go out for Halloween. I did keep it low key and went to Murio’s. I must tell you it was fun but I was so fucked up I was not having a good time. That and the fact that the dyke chick was there looking good. Yes, the same dyke chick that told me she was getting married to a chick. The same stupid cunt that was the topic of one of my last blogs. Well she was there, I am feeling like shit. The sight of her smiling having a good time made me feel worse. We accidentally saw each other and I keep it cool with one of those head nods. I did see her with some lame dude that she knows that is a closet faggot but no wife? Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that you are such a cunt that you can’t even tell me the truth, I bet there was no girl that she just didn’t like me which is fine.
I go outside to have a cigarette with Doorman Dave and she sends this dude out to talk to me. “Mary Ellen wants to know how you are doing?” Dude what the fuck is she going to write me a note that asks if I am mad at her with a box for no and a box for yes? Fuck just come out and talk to me. I do have to give her some credit she knew that I was looking good that night and I would blow her off. Lesson to all don’t fuck with me because I will fuck you back slowly and painfully until I decide I have hurt you 100 times more than you hurt me.
In short fuck you go eat some hairy cot and stay the fuck out of my fucking bar.
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